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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: i restdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/I am dead inside
    Total Views: 594
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 267



    Description:
       just something quick. i hope you all like this different style.
    love love


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsi restdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i scream
    this rage inside me burns.
    i cry
    this pain i feel can't turn.
    i shout
    this anger in me goes.
    i yell
    for what i want to know
    i hate this passion is my doom
    i die
    i rest inside my tomb.




    Submitted on 2006-01-17 18:41:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Short and well, not sweet, but sweet in a dark way! he he he
    I liked the all lower case - it goes with the mood of this piece. I took it that the tomb was like, life or yourself.
    Good!
    Love,Peace,Joy&Smiles 2 share
    tif
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      As I read it, I think the item Meotoko felt was missing is a carriage-return after "hate".

    I like the terse lines too, though I wonder if using the same rhythm in each pair of lines isn't too monotonous. Maybe changing the last line to "inside my tomb I rest" would mix up it up some?

    -Frank
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
      nice poem. i like the 2 worded lines that explain the rest of the "stanza"..however i was a little confused on the line that read "i hate this passion is my doom"...it's almost as if you're missing a word or it needs a conjunction or to be divided.
    *barbie*
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Meotoko | [ Reply to This ]


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