Cutting the Heart by Psychohenry32

Cutting the Heart

[ Note: This is a story of how it all happened. This is a true story of how life can be. Each quote is one that makes sense of all this senselessness.]

“To Live Is so startling it leaves little time for anything else
~ Emily Dickinson ~

Lying under the shade of my familiar maple tree, relaxing as the world revolves around me. I don’t care anymore, the pain surges through my entire body. I want to sleep and make it go away. Saliva put it so simply: “Can’t you find it in your heart to make this go away and et me rest in pieces?” Cutting deeper in my skin - displacing the pain momentarily - the cuts spill over with my blood, gushing out of my body, transferring my invisible hurt in to a viewable substance. Eventually my pain inside subsides and all I feel or care about is that which I have done. The scars build up more and more. I do it everyday. My knife I have named Chip, because he “chips” away a;; that I feel until I have become numb to it. Chip understands why I need him.

“Ever stop to think and forget to start again?”

My friends don’t care, most of them don’t know. I’m sick of being shunned and left behind; people tend to walk on me, but who wants to step on an old, ratty, cut up rug? I wouldn’t. The pain keeps coming it is like the ocean’s waves, it surges towards the beach and then flees the scene in only moments, churning the sand as it goes.

“A true friend knows that you are a cracked egg but doesn’t care”

Eventually will I take this too far? Will I soon end it al? I don’t think so, not anytime soon anyway. Yet, it all depends on how shit hit’s the fan. Most would say I’m happy, but do happy people do what I have done, what I do? I’m kinda thinking NOT SO MUCH. HAPPY people are happy, they don’t need emotional releases or have a mask for everyday of the week to try to hide behind. I’m running out of excuses though, you can’t get into fights or fall down everyday. I’m normally A very open person, but this is my secret. The only ones who know are others like me, and they are hard to come by.

“The words ‘I am’ … are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you’re claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.”

I’m sick of shrinks, I don’t want to talk to another one! They don’t know much about it. Only other people like me understand what has been going on and why it will or will not continue. Shrinks can’t create physical pain, like I do, without having to see another shrink. So how could they possibly understand?

“Therapy is expensive … … popping bubble wrap is cheap.”

I’m sick of crying all the time. I’m tired of being tired I want it al to stop. Everything that I feel, everything that has happened … I wish that someone could find it in their heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces. I need to do it again. I need to se you … to figure out why I feel this way and what exactly it is that I feel for you. My heart is broken and requires a lot of healing before I can possibly love again. If in fact I find I could love you. I don’t want you to know about any of this. I don’t want you to freak on me, that would make it worse. I need to know if you still care, if I live or if I die. You left me hanging onto a hope, a single hope; came back out of nowhere and completely tore the ground right out from underneath me. I think I love you, more than anyone knows - including me - I thought I loved another, but now I’m not so sure.

“Until the day I die, I’ll spill my heart for you. As years go by I raced the clocks with you. But if you died right now you know that I’d die too.”
~Story of the Year - Until the day I die~

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. T always protects, it always TRUSTS, always HOPES, always perseveres. Love never fails.

“I wish I was a little kid again. Skinned knees are easier to heal than broken hearts.”

You’ll be leaving soon, and I’ll be here, waiting, like always. If I just keep telling myself that it will be alright in the end, will it be so? Letting you go is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. My only problem now is hiding all of the problems I’ve rounded up and kept within myself for so long, keeping them all within myself, without letting any of it show on the outside. It is easier for me to pretend I am an actual person if I keep it all on the inside, no one can see what isn’t there. Sometimes people need to read between the lines, especially when the lines are cuts that turn to scars that last forever.

“If the shoe fits but it in every color.”

I think maybe the answers aren’t as easy to find as one would hope. I have been searching for some time now, and keep finding the same thing. Nothing will end this. I will continue until the end comes. Or until the end of the suffering. I use a knife, others have used razor blades, fire, glass, anything they could find that would cut, burn or generally cause immense pain. I myself am a cutter, and have no problem admitting it, I do however have a problem talking about it. I do talk about it with Chip though, he’s been there with me for four ears now. He has seen it all with me, every cut, every scratch. I want to be happy, I want to be real, I really do. I’m just not quite sure where to begin to find myself, it was so long ago that I lost all that I was. If this would just go away and let me rest in pieces.

“Always remember to pillage before you burn.”

So much has happened in my years of being alive, as with every other person, but I have been marked by it all in a way that not everybody has been. I have a visible reminder of all that I do not wish to speak about. It feels like I have to keep all of this to myself, and that keeps an enormous amount of weight on top of me. I cannot lift it by myself. The weight seems so heavy at times that I feel as though suffocation is near and death will soon follow. But at these times of nearing death suddenly sparks a thought, and a desperate search is begun to find the “restart” button and once found the pressure lifts. Unfortunately my “restart” button is found with assistance from Chip. I usually can make a full recovery, but another mark is left behind. Sometimes in order for a full recovery to occur outside help is required, but fining help is not an easy task. Few can understand. I know now that people in general are rude, cruel, and self-centered; the person is compassionate, loving, and helps those in need. Most people I know don’t even see me, but I see them and if they needed me like I need them … would I lend a hand? Yes, I would. Why? Why should I help those who don’t even now my name? To give them a reason to remember my name.

“It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a bad example.”

I loved him from the moment we first met. I saw him standing there. I remember the look in his eyes, and now I long to see those eyes again. He left with out a word. No goodbye, he just left. And now I am left with the memory of him. He never knew how much he meant to me, and now he never will.

“Remind me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life.”
~Saliva - Rest in Pieces~

If it weren’t for the bad times we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good times. Unfortunately for those who are like me the bad times are the only times, they seem to never end, and eventually build up together like a giant monster.

“Even though I know, I don’t want to know. Yeah, I guess I know. I just hate how it sounds.”
~Finger Eleven - One Thing~

Every thought I try to write down, as though forgetting it would cause some kind of cataclysmic something. No one knows what is never said, words of wisdom I can only now understand. I understand a lot more now that I have seen many sides of the same story. I now know that it is from the giving and receiving end and also know and comprehend exactly how it effects me and those who care about me. Some people say that they know my story, but how could they, I don’t even know my story. I haven’t lived to see the end. I don’t believe that one day I will wake up and know everything, but it would be rather interesting for that to happen.

“The more you listen the more you know.”

I am getting more and more comfortable with people knowing my secrets. Not all of them of course, but this one. There are many cutters in this world, none of them alike. They often go unseen and unnoticed. When normal people find out that there friend is a cutter they tend to stick to two polar extremes, they either are really fake and try to give you the whole everything will be alright, or they flip out and try to force you to quit on the spot. And everyone knows that cold turkey works for very few people. I have been asked many times if I WANT to die - my answer, NO - or for now anyways, I haven’t been able to do all that I want with my life yet. Cutting isn’t a method of dying, it’s my way of dealing with strong emotions. Emotions so strong that no one should have to bear it all at once.

“Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be.”
~Nirvana - Come as You Are~

I love you, first and foremost as a friend. Nothing is the same anymore, it has all changed. I spent what felt like an eternity waiting, hoping, and praying; finally it all ended in one single, solitary moment. The moment I first saw you again. You were the one from my memories - tangible. My memories are all that I have left of you, I will see you in my dreams. All my love to you my dear. All the pain you caused me is worth it … if only I could tell you that when there was still time. I am truly scared only a couple of things.
Poodles
Being alone
Being trapped in a cage
Spiders
Clowns
I don’t want you to be gone forever. You left and came back before, so I’ll keep my fingers crossed. But until that time here I am - hurting and alone.

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”

Sometimes emotions boil over and it feels as though your heart is about to erupt with the violence and devastation of Mt. Vesuvius, you can’t control yourself at times like this and it is now that most damage is done, whether it is inanimate objects, other people, yourself, this is when it will be done.

“You have the right to remain silent so please SHUT UP”

I try to imagine your reaction to all that I’ve written, I’ve tried to hide it from everyone who would spill the beans. I need to be the one who tells you all I have been hiding from the rest of the world. I don’t want to cause any trouble to anyone. Someone once told me that if I were to create a different world in my head, to escape whatever id bothering me. But I am already enough of a head case. I don’t need something else to keep me locked inside myself. I need to get out and have some good old fashioned fun.

“Don’t interrupt me while I’m talking to myself”

Under the large maple tree I sat, being cooled by the shade. Above me clouds as white as a dove. I sit here and ponder some of the world’s great wonders; like: why if silence is golden is shouting so much fun? And why is life like a roll of toilet paper, long and useful? But as I pondered these and may similar questions my attention was abruptly shifted to an annoying group of little bugs hovering just a few inches in front of my face, and as they hovered I thought of how fun it would be to fly and hang around and be a `bug, but only for a while. I suddenly got the urge to fly with this particular group of bugs, and soon enough I was. And then I think I came back to Earth, but just as quickly had I landed I was taken off to another place and given a gift. In this place appeared a familiar face, I miss this face. These eyes, oh how my heart aches to have you here with me, and now here you are! You came to me and told me everything was going to be ok. From that point on we talked the rest of that day, how great it was for us to spend time together, if only it would have lasted longer. Before I knew it, it was dusk. You leaned in to tell me one last thing, and just then I had a jump. I’m not sure what caused it, but I sure wish it had waited till I heard all you had to say. And then I returned to my senseless ponderings of the questions of our times. Hoping that once I floated off again that you would finish your story, but until then and after. I will have you forever in my memory. I love you with all that I am. You were my best friend. I hope to see you again.

“Sanity is like being trapped in a box. With insanity you have the whole universe”

I keep coming back to you, and how much it hurts to let you go. But in order for me to go on, I have to let you go. My heart may explode and I would be glad if it did, for then I could put all of this behind me and have a better existence. I’ve missed you for too long now, and every time I think about you I start to cry, all while the monster inside me grows stronger. I think I see you everywhere I go, like you’re here - but you never are.

“With in thy grave!
Oh no, but on some other flight -
Thou camest to mankind
To rent it with good-night -”
~Emily Dickinson~

I’m still here, still not wanting to live but not wanting to die. Although not completely sure if either one is the greater. What I want is control over my own life, a feeling I only felt with you. Now without you here, I feel as though my life is not truly mine, I feel that those who feel responsible for me have chosen to pick my path for me. I want to be the one to pick what I want to do with the rest of my life. Cutting gives me some control over this situation and I don’t know if I am willing to sacrifice that. I want to be able to say this is what I want and have those I love be proud of my decisions as I am happy with them. Every decision I have made on my own I have been happy with, but the ones I have made with the pushing of other people I have been forced into many situations I have not truly ever been comfortable with. I am good at pretending that I am happy, sitting still, tiptoeing around, being stealthy. It all tends to work with me quite well, I’ve kept myself together this long.

“Don’t rub the lamp unless your ready for the genie”

Two roads my have diverged in Robert Frost’s yellow wood, but I do not have the luxury of having the road less traveled by to choose where I will end up, that has already been decided, but not by me. My road, my path seems to be pre-decided. Am I not wise enough to determine what I can and cannot do? I know my abilities and my likes and I can decide what is right and what is wrong, so why can’t I chose what I do? I feel immense pressure to do what everyone else wants. But if I keep following the thoughts and ideas of others, what happens once that stops? How will I function? My whole life it seems has not truly been mine.

“As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect may splinters”

I miss you, more than the one that came before you. He in a way sent you to me, I believe. And in this time I miss you as well, for only once in a person’s life is a love like this supposed to happen it seems that some one up there must favor me. For having you here is like having him here again, only better, for you make me whole; without causing my to cut it out of me first. For that I am truly thankful. You will never know how much you mean to me, as will he. But he has long since deserted me to go about his merry way, and left me high and dry - hoping that I would follow suit, but he asked too much and I could not follow him to death. Thanks to you for being a shoulder to cry on, an ear that listened when no one else would, a friend to the friendless. You are many things which you are not aware of. One day I hope you see all in you that I see, for then you will understand why I love you so. You like me are good at not being seen, hiding from those who wish to point out what your faults are. I am indebted to you for the rest of my life.

“I DO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE CRAZY, BUT I AM GOING TO LOVE YOU ANYWAYS.”

I miss you a lot. Everyone that I know says that I should just give up; that you are a waste of my time, but that’s just it - it’s MY time - not there’s. Even though it may not be a part of “the plan”, I’m going to start spending my time doing what I want to do. Even if I end up being slammed back inside a cage. For you, I would chance everything. When I’m with you nothing matters, I don’t have a care in the world. The only thing that matters is you. I love you to pieces, I would not be the same without you, I know that for sure. You have saved me once before too, but you do not know it. You aren’t the only one who has made an impact in my life and not known about it. I’ve been keeping it a secret for years now, but for some reason I can’t seem to control it anymore. Usually I crack, but now it’s no trouble at all. I’m not good at asking for help, but right now it’s what I need. I need a friend who isn’t afraid to look me in the face and be able to see the real me in here somewhere. The real me is still around here somewhere, I’ve just lost it. I love you even more for trying to help me, but you can only do so much.

“There is no short-cut to anywhere worth going”

A friend told me that I’d have to explain my scars someday, and that I shouldn’t feel the need to die. He told his story, and now my dreams are littered with scenes I haven’t even seen. One would think that it would be enough to scare me out of it, but on the contrary, it only made me crave it more. Now after my attacks, guilt is all I feel - and a lesson learned once again - the hard way. I couldn’t let you down (years of living for other people will do that to you) because it would hurt much more than what I already feel. I just don’t want to be stuck here, trapped in a cage. I want to fly away and be free, like most people in this world are allowed to be.

“A secret can be kept between two people if one of them is dead.”

The secret is spreading. The cutting is deeper. More is coming out putting it into place is where I’m lost. Nothing makes much sense anymore, it all blends together. Days run on and on and never seem to end and all of a sudden it’s next month. I don’t remember yesterday, I don’t remember when yesterday began. All I know is that in the here and now I wish I were someplace else, anywhere else. It doesn’t matter where I just want to run away and never say good-bye, I don’t want to feel what I feel anymore. To feel nothing is what I want. To struggle my way to the surface and understanding what is going on.

“Been there done that bought the t-shirt”

I saw you again today, came to a partial understanding, but now more questions have surfaced, because of all that has happened in my past and all I have to work through. Having your heart ripped out of your chest hurts, A LOT!!!!!! I’m sure that no one exactly understands what could bring a person to do shit like this. I don’t even know right now, what makes me do it or why I do it.

“Nothing is as big as the rock you step on when you’re barefoot”

He made me go see a “shrink” today. I hate him so much right now. That woman cannot possibly understand what is going on. It feels good to talk to someone who isn’t completely biased though. And all that has happened over the past couple of years spills out of me, and into this room. I went all the way back to the beginning. I was young and for months on end couldn’t feel any kind of emotion. One night I decided to feel. Telling someone this made a world of difference, but I still didn’t want it to happen.

“”

You left me all alone. Friendless, and alone. I want so bad to hurt you right now, I never had a friend like you before and I probably will never again. You really hurt me. And I think it’s time hat I try to forgive you, but all the hurt, how could you. I live and you … just existed for years, and now you haunt my dreams … what made you feel that bad? Someone once came along and I allowed them to fill your role for a while. But he too hurt me as you did, only not as permanently. He didn’t want to take up any responsibility for anything. And I was the one to suffer from that.

“I hate everything about you, why do I love you”
~ Three Days Grace - Everything About You ~

Day by day I get a little better, I guess, but occasionally I fall backwards and slip up a little. In any kind of uphill battle you always have places where you slip and fall.

“You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. If I could start again. A million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way.”
~ Nine Inch Nails - Hurt ~

I love you I love you I love you I love you

May 14
Sweetie,
I know that I haven’t been a good friend lately and I’m sorry. I know what you are going through. Trust me I was there once. It sucks having someone you care about and just found again leave. Just, I am scared about how serious yours is getting. I have lost 3 friends through cutting. I do not want to loose you. You were my first true friend. Sorry for ignoring your situation. I don’t mean to, it’s just I’ve had urges to cut again. So Sweetie please find help. Or find someone you can really talk to. I will be here for you.
Love always-N-forever

Remember you can call however late the pone lines are open.

Love You Kid

I love you I love you I love you I love you

The problem with cutting is that it’s so secretive, is that it’s easiest to talk about it when you’re not doing it.

This is my letter to the world
That never wrote to me
The simple news that nature told -
With tender Majesty.
Her message is committed
To hands I cannot see
For love of Her - Sweet - countrymen
Judge tenderly - of Me
~ Emily Dickinson ~

Days go bye and life changes, but cutting will always be there. I have been “saving” myself with it for years now. But sometimes it’s what’s killing me. Confusion. All I am, is nothing. I breathe in … and for what???????? Do I want to keep living? For today the answer is yes, but tomorrow … we’ll have to see. Change is all around. Growing older brings more and more changes. Is it really that bad?????? What harm comes from growing and stretching? Or is it the unfamiliarity with this what I fear? No matter what, that answer can’t come in blood. Too late is the time for understanding this now, too many scars have already been made. Things have been set into motion that cannot be broken. Letters to those loved are all that connect us now. Distance between us strangle any kind of relationship. How I long to see your face. Hear your voice. Be carefree like we used to be. But still nothing changes. My heart is breaking and nothing can be done to fix it. With every beat of my heart I feel as though part of me is dying.

“Ashes to ashes and dust to dust~

But to death I do not surrender. I challenge myself to live. For one day it might be of use to me to have traveled this far. Still going on … the road will turn. And I … I am better prepared. Having beaten many obstacles. I’ve made it this far … what’s the point of giving up now? There is little point to anything anymore. Fuck everything. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play Chess?”

I think that when you’re born you have all the knowledge to live your entire life, you know who you are. You know your destiny. You know where you’re going to be at the end of your days, but in order for it to take place you must forget about it, for a time. In order to fully appreciate where you do and what you do. You must think and believe that you, yourself have accomplished this. And that it wasn’t pre-destined. But if we didn’t know at one point where we are going or what we will do with our lives. How do you explain people who just do things that normal human beings wouldn’t do? They are friends to the friendless. They live in poverty, and feed the hungry. How or why would any sane human being want to help those who appear to many … don’t want to help themselves? I believe that it has to do with an internal force pushing towards what it needs to do. I just wish mine would pop up and say something, or at least give me a nudge in some direction.

“And now for something COMLETELY different”

Time has come for us to go and then we shall find true happiness. Death is only an end for a time. Too much also tells us that we have lived before. Troubles the present may have ties to our past, a past we may not even be aware of. Psychics often phonies tell many of past lives, but who’s to say that in some cases that these people with ties to the unknown aren’t actually speaking the truth? I know that spirits are around, having felt some myself. They love interactions with the living, I think. They have shown me so much … with so little. Crazy some call me. Some say gifted. It’s not a constant connection, but a flow of information I can access if and when I need to; sometimes I don’t even know that I needed it until it had already come. Now what this has to do with cutting is very simple. Having the presence of someone else in the room, when you can see that you are the only one there is kind of creepy. It’s not blood and guts creepy, but still quite creepy. I know that whom ever it is in there with me cares a great deal for me, I just can’t figure out who they are. And just for clarification … there is a difference between spirits and ghosts … I feel spirits … not ghosts.

“Back to our regularly scheduled program”

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I should just go ahead and do it. But today I will continue to do what I have done my whole life - ignore the feelings that I don’t fully understand. Only paying attention to those emotions I can understand at the moment. I know what I am and I know what I’m not. I am a womyn. Beautiful. Smart. Crazy. Down to Earth. Loved. I am a lot of different things. But if only you could see me for what I’m not letting you see. He inside is just as important as the outside.

“Don’t criticize my mess unless you would like to become part of it”

With all I know now, compared to all that I knew then. Even though it’s not exactly pretty, all the time. I’m glad that I have allowed the time to see it more clearly.

“I Do”
And my sweet, sweet friend I think you should hear
I do love you more than you know.
And really try to be there for you, but as we go our ways I will loose you soon, my friend.
But we’ll meet again in the home we love and you and me will be free.
The little bird flew away and we both stopped and stared. Today might be my big mistake and I can’t face the morrow. But in your eyes I see a plan that only you could hold. And I try to remember what I could have done to make me feel like letting go. Without you here I might as well just leave this world behind.
And my sweet, sweet friend I think you should hear
I do love you more than you know.
And really try to be there for you, but as we go our ways I will loose you soon, my friend.
But we’ll meet again in the home we love and you and me will be free.
I remember well the day we said good-bye. And I thought I was the one to walk away. Saving you meant more to me than holding onto what I thought I had. My mistake I made that day I never thought I could undo.
And my sweet, sweet friend I think you should hear
I do love you more than you know.
And really try to be there for you, but as we went our ways I lost my best friend.
And we’ll meet again in the home we love and you and me will be free.
All the things I’ve tried to hide. Even though you always knew I would be with you. Patiently you waited for me to understand that loving you meant everything to me.
And my sweet, sweet friend I think you should hear
I do love you more than you know.
And really try to be there for you, but as we go our ways I will find you soon, my friend.
And we’ve found ourselves in the home we love and you and me are free.
And my sweet, sweet friend I think you should hear.
I do love you more than you know.

Music is good for the soul. Putting poems to a tune is frustrating. But sometimes in your head are the answers to all musical catastrophes. Cutting is a solution to the moment. Singing is a solution for a couple hours. Weed is a solution for a couple days. And they are some things who make some musicians going. I only want to ponder the irrelevant. The only time I am truly allowed to freely explore all that is irrelevant is during a little trip of one kind or another. Mother Earth made it so why not enjoy it. Make the damn shit legal already. Our country’s government is a little more bible bound than I like. Some days it’s less apparent and some days I would really like to clobber all government officials. I still plead the 5th.

“Today is the day when dreaming ends”

But you haven’t known what I’ve done to you. Nobody knows what I do to you. And I don’t want them to. I want to keep you a BLOODY secret, alright. If you pop open one more time … I just might have to put an end to everything right now. If you happen to show yourself to anyone again and we end up in the psych ward on a thorazine drip, don’t come crawling to me.

Life, like the flutter of wings.
Feel your hollow bones rushing into me as your longing to say
So I, I will paint you in silver, I will wrap you in cold.
I will lift up your forces aside.
~ A.F.I. - Silver and Cold ~

Bug spray commercials can be quite bothersome, especially when they come up with those “cleaver” slogans …… like that one that ‘kills bugs dead’. How do you kill things dead? Once you kill them aren’t they already dead? Why do we insist on advertising brutality? Everywhere you look someone is killing someone else. Through deductive reasoning I believe that Disney movies are the worst and The Simpson’s teach the better ideas. Times like these are saddened by the children are more violent than their parents can handle. Children are our future and we as a society have ignored our children for so long that we have desensitized ourselves beyond a reasonable limit. In our everything is NOW or I’m not happy world we have compromised the innocence of our children. People continually destroy themselves to obtain what they want for a few moments. Some choose to “sleep” their cares away, others choose to drink them away. Some prefer to shoot up and forget their cares. Well what I choose to do is no different, more destructive in some senses, but at least it isn’t necessarily as deadly as many other options. If I were to go on a binge and then get behind the wheel of a car, the chances of me hitting someone or something are pretty slim. And you can’t get pregnant from puling a knife across your arm.

“Those who are different change the world, those who are the same keep it that way.”

Chip and I - for now - have parted ways once again. But I still can’t totally let go of him. I still need him … to some degree. He was my best friend through this whole mess. I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer live my life using him as a crutch. I need to live for myself - living for anyone else is just stupid. Nobody else but you can determine what you need in time to get it to you before it’s too late. There will be a couple people in life who try to help you with whatever may be bothering you, but they cannot do anything about it, but you should let them try, it’s good for them - serves there purpose. Friends you can never have too many of. But lovers you can. The line between friend and lover is incredibly thin. A person can easily cross the line multiple times before you figure out that they aren’t any good for you.

“Follow your dreams … except for the one where you’re at school in your underwear.”

This is the end of the world as we know it … the whole time line is off by a little, but here’s to the good old days I’ll look back on and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I haven’t decided what the hell I’m going to do with all the time I have left … but hey I’m young … I’ve got plenty of time to make it, break it, or hurl on it when I get too drunk. Well hopefully there won’t be too much of that last part.

“We will rip off your testicles … and slash your tires.”

Dreams come true everyday. Even Darth Vader had to start off somewhere. I bow down to only a few people … George Lucas is one of those people, the man is an absolute genus (not Guinness) he starts in the middle of the story and then eventually gets to the beginning. Smart move if you ask me. Anther man my hat goes off to is Robert Fulgrum … a guy who wrote this book … I like his style as well … abstract stories randomly pieced together … sounds almost too god to be true. I have a couple other people my hat goes off to, but they aren’t important now.

“Who
died
and
made
you
Darth
Vader?”

Today was the worst day of my life … I think. I haven’t cried so much in years. I wish I could take this all back and start over a couple years ago, knowing then what I know now. Boy would I love to change some of the ‘stuff’ that happened. But I guess without it I wouldn’t be me. And since I look better now I can’t even wish for my old thighs back … maybe a smaller chest … but my thighs I’ll keep.

“The hardest thing I will ever to do is walk away, pretending that I don’t love you.”

I am a bitch!!! And damn proud of it! I don’t care what you think about me either. Sometimes I do things that are just for me, including being a bitch. You are a bitch too, but I would not like to associate with you any longer than I already have. You give bitches like me a bad rap. I have loathed you for years. You have tried in so many ways is to take over my life, well guess what hoe, only I will be living my life. Thank you. Ever since I met you, you have tried to be like me. It felt for a while that you were better at being me than I was. You took my hair style and color at first. Then you moved on to my friends; you feed on their compassion and the attention they give you, and they in turn feel needed so they fall for it. After I started dating, you started getting jealous. You tried to steal every boyfriend I have ever had, even the ones that were jerks. You even found a way to turn my circle of friends against me a great number of times. The one thing you never took into account is that I used to play football and am a genuinely nice person to everyone I meet, not just the ones that I want to use for my own personal advantage. Yes you have screwed me into the ground on numerous occasions and I have continued to put up with it, when many would simply cut you off. I have been extremely forgiving, but I have not forgotten what you have done to me. You will pay in some way or another for what you have done to me throughout our friendship. I believe in Karma, and it is a wonderful thing. You will never be able to appreciate it as much as I do. If you think that you can get away from this unscathed you are dead wrong. You can’t think that you can put me through all the shit you put me through and get away with it. Yes I have beaten you up on numerous occasion, but probably not enough for it to be even.