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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: manderz_1207
    ASL Info:    15/f/mi
    Elite Ratio:    5.45 - 95/109/38
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 702



    Description:
       Long nights all alone without him by my side.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here I am still awake, writing of you,
    telling my feelings to this blank paper.
    Never getting to see you or hear your sweet voice,
    so horribly lonely without you at my side.
    Wishing you were here with me every night.


    All the stars in the sky couldn't help me right now,
    as I wish and I wish; sit and figure out how.
    How I can make it these long hopeless nights,
    without you right here, to make it all right.

    Holding my hand in those times of need,
    wiping my eyes when not all is complete.
    Rocking me gently as I sleep in your arms,
    Whisper to me how to love me is not hard.





    Submitted on 2006-01-18 15:00:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hello Mandy,

    the opening here I like. the loneliness and putting feelings to a blank paper. the longing goes on throughout the three stanzas. the strongest sense of want and need I get in the second stanza. because of the illustration of how even the stars cannot help. on the angle of the stars, they are a beauty to look at but also are an indication of direction. whatever it is, all seems gloomy regardless of its intended meaning. the third line could be shortened if you desire reading: “never seeing or hearing your sweet voice” the second line “as I wish and I wish” I wonder if that would be nicer if you can change that up a bit. I do like the second part of that particular verse though. I do like the 3rd line in the second stanza but not particularly the to “make it all right” of the 4th line. it sounds awfully like a soft rock tune perhaps something better for that. the third stanza I like in its entirety. I do like it as a whole the feelings are sad and yet the third stanza leaves it off fairly romantic and hopeful. well done Mandy,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem has a common theme but has been written quite well. The middle stanza has a rhyming scheme going so maybe you should do the same to the other stanzas (its easier said than done, trust me). By doing that, the poem would flow even better.

    This poem reminded me of certain hopeless love life situations. It struck a chord. Lets keep it at that.

    "All the stars in the sky couldn't help me right now,
    as I wish and I wish;"
    I really do like those lines. That was ingenius.

    The thing i didn't like: no title.
    SUGGESTION:
    "Here i am still awake, writing to you" (the first line of the poem being also the title was a technique used a lot by Wordsworth).

    I got more but i guess its really up to you to name it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by The Uncanny | [ Reply to This ]
      These actually have a strange sort of lyrical flow to them. I don't know if you did that intentionally or not, but that's something I thought about while reading it. I liked the speech you used too, about the stars and the wishing and all that, because that's a common thing in poetry, just not always used the way you used it. And, I also love the line about telling your feelings to the paper as a metaphor for writing the poem, it was clever. It was a good length too, because usually I come across a lot of poems or stories that are either way too long or way too short, and that's not good. Pulling off a good length is actually harder than it seems.

    It was a good write, boosted by the fact that you took one of (if not the) most common inspiration there is for poetry (unrequited love) and you wrote a poem about it, and just because the inspiration was common, didn't make the poem crappy and generic.

    -Adam

    P.S. I believe a good title for this might be "All Alone" or something to that effect.
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Trifecta | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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