The first stanza has been complained about and many times misinterpreted by readers. It simply contains two biblical allusions, both pertaining to King David of Israel.
To the critics:
Be as blunt and scathing as possible. I won't come away with anything unless you tell me what you don't like.
On my head:
70,000 stricken
With pestilence and death
On my shoulders:
The life of a man
Who deserved to kill me
No light of day and no right to pray
The dull deaf ache chokes me alive
Sins gather like thunderheads
And threaten to drown me
Sins burn my thoughts to the ground
My mind’s effigy is ashes now
Sins amass like troops in a battlefield
While I draw my pen from its sheath
I die only once
But you stab me post mortem
And shoot me into a million pieces
Crushed under stones
One by one
By one by one
Are dropped into the ever-overflowing bucket
That lies on my grave
Pushing me deeper into the realm of forgotten
By the last line I was just like "Oh, wow". lol, I know the title pretty much summarises the piece but I had dismissed it while reading the poem and before realising it was a metaphor for innocence, I thought it was just 'okay' you know.
I'm rambling on, you asked for criticism? Hmm, well the opening stanza was rather off-putting although by the end I see it fits the piece. What am I on about, I can't find anything to criticise. Forgive me. Your poem is above bashing.
An interesting Biblical perspective on the nature of repentance (an adulterer and murderer pronounced innocent by the Divine Judge who weighs the intent of the heart). A very fine piece of writing with an intriguing twist at the end. Did you intend to suggest character assasination with the post mortem stabbing in the final stanza? It seems an appropriate metaphor given the critical view society has of Judeo-Christian values. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
Wow. This is deep. I have to say that I truly loved it. This really made me think because the last line, you completely went a different way, and so I had to re-read it, and switch King David to innocence, and it's amazing because it fits perfectly like a fitted glove. I think you overused the word "sin" in the third stanza, but maybe you only did that to enforce and emphasize the thought, so maybe I am wrong. Anywho, the third stanza is the one thats my favorite because it's the one I re-re-read with the innocence and King David, and I have to say how cool it is that that works, and I'm in aw right now, because this is really good. Congratulations to you awesome work. Peace and love, Aya
Submission Name: Innocence
