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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Innocencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 899
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 828



    Description:
       Just a few footnotes...

    The first stanza has been complained about and many times misinterpreted by readers. It simply contains two biblical allusions, both pertaining to King David of Israel.

    To the critics:
    Be as blunt and scathing as possible. I won't come away with anything unless you tell me what you don't like.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInnocencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    On my head:
    70,000 stricken
    With pestilence and death
    On my shoulders:
    The life of a man
    Who deserved to kill me

    No light of day and no right to pray
    The dull deaf ache chokes me alive

    Sins gather like thunderheads
    And threaten to drown me
    Sins burn my thoughts to the ground
    My mindís effigy is ashes now
    Sins amass like troops in a battlefield
    While I draw my pen from its sheath

    I die only once
    But you stab me post mortem
    And shoot me into a million pieces
    Crushed under stones
    One by one
    By one by one
    Are dropped into the ever-overflowing bucket
    That lies on my grave
    Pushing me deeper into the realm of forgotten

    I am innocence.




    Submitted on 2006-01-19 15:43:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      By the last line I was just like "Oh, wow". lol, I know the title pretty much summarises the piece but I had dismissed it while reading the poem and before realising it was a metaphor for innocence, I thought it was just 'okay' you know.

    I'm rambling on, you asked for criticism? Hmm, well the opening stanza was rather off-putting although by the end I see it fits the piece. What am I on about, I can't find anything to criticise. Forgive me. Your poem is above bashing.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      An interesting Biblical perspective on the nature of repentance (an adulterer and murderer pronounced innocent by the Divine Judge who weighs the intent of the heart). A very fine piece of writing with an intriguing twist at the end. Did you intend to suggest character assasination with the post mortem stabbing in the final stanza? It seems an appropriate metaphor given the critical view society has of Judeo-Christian values. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is deep. I have to say that I truly loved it. This really made me think because the last line, you completely went a different way, and so I had to re-read it, and switch King David to innocence, and it's amazing because it fits perfectly like a fitted glove. I think you overused the word "sin" in the third stanza, but maybe you only did that to enforce and emphasize the thought, so maybe I am wrong. Anywho, the third stanza is the one thats my favorite because it's the one I re-re-read with the innocence and King David, and I have to say how cool it is that that works, and I'm in aw right now, because this is really good. Congratulations to you awesome work.
    Peace and love,
    Aya
    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]


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    88110

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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