Description: I'm very proud of this one. I edited it a lot and took the advice of someone who commented me on my last work. I think this one is a keeper. (^_^)
*This is the new and improved edition. I may re post as to let people have the full effect of the poem how it was meant to look.*
I can still feel the bite marks on my neck
An ecstasy not easily forgotten
As the tears of angels
Fell from the heavens
In light whispers on the ground...
That night I lost my soul
Every touch made me want you more
And your smile told me the same
I was trapped in that moment
Against concrete walls that made me shiver
Over stairs that lead to
Both heaven and hell
The choice was ours to make
Return to the weeping angels
Or follow the path to the devil's home
And the fire that all but darkened it
So we became demons in that flame
And succumb to the desire
That burned in us so long
The passion we so rightly deserved
But all that shimmers in this world
Is sure to fade
And the heat incinerated our thoughts
And we walked in silence and reflection
Ascending the darkened stairway
Back to the misted night skies
And we parted ways indefinitely
Never to live in quite the same way
But alike and apart all the same
And the angels sang at the joyous end
That marked my sleepless nights
ok that was cool. but I rather heaven eh. . BUT IT WAS COOL and I like the neck biting and tears very nice and sad but thats why its nice. LET YOUR POETRY SHOW SOMTHING for it must be meaningful without a feeling giving to your writing it has no life therefore it cannot live and if it cannot live then it will die but if it dies then people will not like it but we should not care what others think cause its what we think not others. so let none mock your poetry no matter how sencless it is as long as its meaningful to you. but that was a good poem special with the 'all that shimmers in the world will shurely fade' that was my faveorite part. well keep up that rockin stuff cause it rocks my socks, but oops I droped them in the docks.BUST A RYHM, PEACE OUT
The storyline is great and the passion in this is intense. First I need to say this: the write is clumped together, it has no form to it and also there are words that are not complete. I will do my best to repair the broken words and misspelled words and also show you everything that has been changed or corrected by using these brackets [ ] if you like what I did and want to copy and paste it please remove all the brackets. also tighten up any ellipses and commas after removing the brackets. As far as punctuation I will leave that be. If you like there are some I could recommend who excel in punctuation.
~~~~ I can still feel the [bite marks] on my neck An ecstasy not easily forgotten As the tears of angels fell from the heavens In light whispers on the ground[…]
[That] night I lost my soul Every touch made me want you more And your smile [told] me the same I was trapped in that moment Against concrete [walls] that made me shiver
Over stairs that lead to both heaven and hell The choice was ours to make Return to the weeping angels Or follow the path to the devil's [rest] And the fire that[,] that all but darkened it
So we became demons in that flame And succumb to the desire that burned in us so long The passion we so rightly deserved
But all that shimmers In this world is sure to fade And the heat incinerated our thoughts we walked in silence and reflection
Ascending the darkened stairway Back to the misted night skies And we parted ways [indefinitely] Never to live in quite the same way But alike and apart all the same
And the angels sang at the [joyous] end That marked my [sleepless] nights ~~~~~~~
Ok, now onto the second part here digging into this delicious piece.
this piece has to tones for me one is that it is a sexual encounter on the violent side and the other that it is a dark encounter both I will look at. I will use my stanzas for reference purposes: 6 stanzas recognized and two remaining lines at the end.
st1: here I see the encounter a bite that remains remembered. the shock part here is the angels who weep from heaven as if innocence is lost. light whispers on the ground has me thinking of two things one is rain and the other is debasement. the dark enjoyment seems to overshadow the tears. but not so much what is to come in the next stanza.
st2: In the first line I changed the “the” to “that” signifying a greater importance on a specific night. The magnetism displayed in line two and three is well written. I like that “trapped” though it seems not unwillingness but more of eroticism. The wall I like that too, it gives it more focus on the two that are there and also may be symbolic as well. Walls generally are a separation yet when one is back into it then it becomes something much different there is no where to go almost as if (forgive the expression) resistance is futile. There is more reason I see here to drift in and out of symbolism as I read on.
st3: stairs that lead to heaven and hell. if one goes up a stairway it leads to the divine and if one goes down a stairway it leads to the occult. That is one way to look at stairs as something more than just what one walks on. Which pulls me into the second line here the choice and that is it there is always a choice but often times it is muddled in our desires. The angels are weeping for the soul hanging in the balance. Which way to the light or perhaps to where the devil lies? The fire here I see as passion and its draw is much too great than to consider any other direction.
st4: “so we become” this entrance signifies the end of the choice it has been made as so beautifully put “demons in the flame” again flame here can be passion and/or a sweetheart and must not forget its basic meaning of fire which does make it enjoyably dark. the rest tells me it was something that has been sitting for awhile and was stoked rather quickly.
st5: Now here the sentiment here all that shimmers is sure to fade as far as a feeling yes it does appear so. The third and fourth lines here are sad almost seems as if there was a little regret with the heat incinerating the thoughts with silence and reflection.
St6: the ascent out of the stairway back into the hum drum of life and the parting is depressing. Things have changed the two part ways. Both alike, unless it is a description of the state of the soul I would have trouble grasping that.
the final two lines as angels sing the marked sleepless nights. now why are they singing I wonder maybe the character has trouble finding such an encounter again.
I really like this a lot. It is mysterious, passionate, dark, rich, and quite lovely to read once the kinks are out. Take care,
This is a good poem. It made me think of a vampire sex thingy in a way, and I guess that would be because of the "bitemarks on your neck" hee hee! And also the title as vampires sleep during the day, but of course you could be awake simply just having sex too but...anyway... I did notice a few typos and spelling errors throughout this poem and recommend you take a read through and fix them. A poem is only as strong as its words and if you have frequent errors it does make the poem seem rushed and takes away from the overall impact of the write. The words are all that we have to go by so they really should be correct. Besides that, this is a good poem. Take care.
This is a really deep and personal I understand this write but it seems you got a little carried away in the descriptive words used Keep in mind Please that is just my opinion I would never tell someone how to write as all writes are personal You really captured your theme well with this one as it carried all the way thru God Bless Ron
Very nicely done.. though there are still a few errors.. mostly grammatical and spelling though so no real worries there... the piece itself was amazing in its emotion and description.. the depiction of the stairs and the act that sends mortal souls to hell supposedly (not a believer in hell). Good job. -Alli
all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade...very good...i loved it. It is very dark and some what beautiful. But it didn't affect me the way it affected the others. I must be stupid heh. But i still think it is good. The immagrey was wonderful, great job.
I really enjoyed that piece a lot. Very passionate and moving. I have had those same feelings before so it was very easy for me to relate to you. I love this line, Return to the weeping angels Or follow the path to the devil's home the poem uses a lot of great descriptions/metaphors. Check out some of my work because I feel it is a lot like this, good job
im really at a loss of words. this was very emotional i almost had to remind myself to breath. i wish i had an encounter that was as intense as this poem made me feel. thanks. U.R.
few. that was pretty intense. i gotta admit, such a harsh discription of sex kinda bothered me a little, which i guess is probably what you were going for so i'd say you did a nice job. i loved the way you started it off and then it seemed to suddenly turn really dark. if it were me i might have created another stanza or try to put a line or something in there to the transition a little smoother.
but you did get me feeling and thinking which is always a good thing for a writer, so nice job. peace. meredith.
Submission Name: Sleepless Nights
. BUT IT WAS COOL and I like the neck biting and tears very nice and sad but thats why its nice. LET YOUR POETRY SHOW SOMTHING for it must be meaningful without a feeling giving to your writing it has no life therefore it cannot live and if it cannot live then it will die but if it dies then people will not like it but we should not care what others think cause its what we think not others. so let none mock your poetry no matter how sencless it is as long as its meaningful to you. but that was a good poem special with the 'all that shimmers in the world will shurely fade' that was my faveorite part. well keep up that rockin stuff cause it rocks my socks, but oops I droped them in the docks.BUST A RYHM, PEACE OUT