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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Through The Stormdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Heat
    ASL Info:    15/M/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.11 - 44/58/15
    Words: 222
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 170
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1513



    Description:
       "Through The Storm" was written on January 19, 2006. It is the long awaited poem that I have been waiting to pen for a long time. It is written to help with Hurricane Katrina relief, and with other disasters. Our help should not just be a project that we put togetherl; it should be our promise, just like entertainer Stevie Wonder somewhat said.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThrough The Stormdots
    -------------------------------------------


    People all around,
    Listen to me clear and loud.
    It is time for us to band,
    To lend a healing hand.
    In a part of earth is destruction,
    Where being felt is devastation.
    Stopped is the rain,
    But still going on is the pain.
    Time for God to send a dove,
    Because now is the time to love.
    From above, He'll blow the horn,
    Saying He'll protect you through the storm.

    We say we are a democracy,
    But down there was a anarchy.
    Scenes of sadness shown on the T.V.,
    For the whole nation to see.
    It looked as if there were multiple shootings,
    All there was was a disaster and lootings.
    All around people were obsessed,
    With the things they stole,
    While others were depressed,
    Crying over lost souls.
    God says He'll fix what has been torn.
    He'll be your shelter though the storm.

    Through it all,
    So manyand so much has had it's fall.
    As it may seem,
    A lot of what was taken away were dreams.
    Some may say "why us? it isn't fair".
    But remember one thing,
    Jesus cares.

    So whatever's happening,
    Ranging from a little problem,
    To major suffering,
    Just call on Jesus.
    He's always there,
    And He cares.

    He will fix all that's been torn.
    He'll be there always through the storm.




    Submitted on 2006-01-19 20:50:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece feels a little bit like Martin Luther King and I've always admired everything the man ever said. I can just picture his almost yelling delivery "It is time for us to band, to lend a healing hand."

    It seems like there's a little bit of conflict here. Some lines seem to be rallying the people to help each other and some seem to be saying trust God (or Jesus) to fix it. I guess, for a Christian, there doesn't have to be a sense of conflict there. On the other hand for more agnostic people, a call to help is often answered, while a religious plea is more likely to be ignored. I'm not saying God shouldn't be in the piece (I've written a few religious pieces myself), but you might want to soften up the pleas to help a bit and focus on the "all of us working together with's God's help" angle.

    I've got to run, but I'd like to say that I really enjoyed all three of your pieces I've read today. You're making good stuff here.

    Steve



    | Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      st1: ok in this I would tighten up your rhyming a little and also I would try to eliminate some of the popularized phrases. Such as “lend a healing hand” I would say the second line but you have “clear and loud” as opposed to “loud and clear” now “send a dove” is not too bad plus I like its symbolism so at least you have that. So in this first stanza I will submit an alternative and you decide if you want to take it, try to find other ways, or ignore all. “lend a healing hand” you can go a different route with that and say “rebuilding is in demand” though I am sure that could be better as well. Now, moving on here the destruction and devastation does not go well, not in rhyme that is, it does go well in meaning but you have put yourself into that format so what I will do is try to match those lines better. taking “destruction” and I will see what goes well with that and yet still serves with the context of the write. I would like to add also that “Where being felt is devastation.” does not make sense to me grammatically so I will have to take that whole line and fix it. “that hinders them with obstruction” is what I came up with. so both lines would read like this:

    In a part of earth is destruction,
    That hinders them with obstruction.

    Not award winning but it will do. Now going into this further I like the sending of the dove as I have said before but also the time to love is now. It does appear so in the worst times of trouble when good folks band together to help. It is also sad there are those who use that situation for evil as well. Moving on…

    St2: ok lines 1 and 2 here not going match as good as say “hypocrisy” so rewritten as:

    We say we are a democracy,
    the evidence suggests hypocrisy.

    I think that fits better that way as far as rhyming. ok lines 5 and 6 need a lot of work. it is really messed up my friend it ok happens to all if us. I will post yours and then post mine and let you decide for yourself.

    It looked as if there were multiple shootings,
    All there was was a disaster and lootings.

    Families crying over multiple shootings,
    Workers used and various lootings.

    the next four lines you change the format of rhyme which is ok no one say you have to stick to it one way. but I would brush up one line to read like this:

    crying over many a lost soul.

    I would also work on the last two lines of the second stanza as well.

    st3: now moving on here you have a different format here the lines are not as tight as before and the pattern has changed. So here I will say separate the “many” and the “and” and also here at the end you can only if you want put “Jesus does care” instead of “Jesus cares” same thing goes with the end but only if you want to do it. Now as far as the story here it is very sad but still has that little ray of hope in it. It is nice to see that even in the worst of times we still have good people here on this planet. Nicely done and you take care,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      Lil Mayne,

    This is a hard piece coming from a gentleman so young. You really put your essence into it. The hurt you have for those people scream out at me as I read. I believe if you had the money you would send it to help aid the needed families. You were definitely right when you said, All around people were obsessed, With the things they stole, While others were depressed, Crying over lost souls.
    There were people shooting at the helicopters when some of the FEMMA crew would try to land to save the people. You have made excellent points in this piece. We always come together in a time of crisis, but we never stay together. If we can stay together things can stay done. I truly enjoyed this write. This is going into my favs catagory.
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a nicely written poem about a most devestating time in our country. Your faith is obviously strong and rings throughout this poem. I have always felt that faith is one thing we all need to have. It helps to guide you and provide you with strength when you really need it the most. We all have beliefs and in turn, faith. Regardless of what we believe in, the most important thing is that we believe. This poem is nicely expressed and touches on a very difficult time. It says that regardless of how bad things are, they will get better as long as you have faith and just believe. Very nice. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]



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