Description: It's a pretty simple theme... longing for better times gone by and the comforting pain it brings... but moreso what we lose when we can't seem to leave the past behind. Tell me what you think.
Rings Of Saturn -------------------------------------------
Entrenched in the voided world of the present
Perpetually flying forward and looking back
Nostalgia’s sweet kiss, however pleasant,
Will always steal from what we already lack
The sun we are drawn toward was far more glaring
Than the one that shines through the brave recollections
Choked out by thorns austere and uncaring
And haunted by lifetimes of futile objections
...Life’s not living behind hopeless reflections
Around every turn and beyond every crest
The chains reach up from the arid sand
They entrap you and wrap you up in unrest
They sting with the tendrils of longings self-banned
Facing the rings of Saturn we careen
Yet earth and land and home is on our minds
Fearful of things lurking in the unseen,
But the man who frees his demons will find
...Something more than what he’s left behind.
Membranes of remorse that harbor our fears
Prevent our roots from finding their way
Holding us back from transcending frontiers
And rising above the vapors of gray
There must be a way to retain what we bleed,
And thrive with the lives that carry us through.
To escape the past with its blind faithful creed,
And cherish the ones among which we grew.
...Impossibilities from my point of view
wow wow wow, so true. i love the theme here, the past is always safer than the future, as who knows what will happen, it feels like being flung into space with no tether to the earth and able to float just about anywhere which is terrifying, it can also be exciting depending on the mood at time i suppose. "the man who frees his demons..." "something more than what he;s left behind" i loved this part, all in all i love the vocabulary you use and your use of form to break it up into digestable chunks rather than an overwhemng mess (i am guilty of this!) i like the "safe" form, and feel its appropriate as the topic of the poem and the feelings explored are so magical, this tethers it down and stops it floating away if that makes sense. loved it
This was really well done. Your words were not the usual, but they reached beyond & challenged your readers to think. The picture here is full of color, you really do a great job of telling us what it is like to long for something that we can never really reach. or so it seems.
Longing for something better that seems so far away. This is a popular theme but you took it out of the norm & really turned it into more. You have nice discriptions that make the piece a little more real, more then just words on a paper. Your rhyming could be better, just something that is good but could be great. Your piece really seperated itself from the majority. nice job, take care ~jennifer
I like your vision and the scope and vocbulary shown in your writing. The rhythms falter. I think you're problem is not what you say or the style in which you say it but rather conforming to form, be it a rhyme scheme or meter. Fortunately everyone has those problems so there's no shame in it. Work on that and I think your writing will shine.