Description: kinda hard to explain really. im trying to express a feeling of insanity from long term endurement of anguish. the character though going insane hasnt forgotten about a part of himself that makes him feel melodic and harmonious. this poem definately describes a cell maybe more visualy then needed. however i liked the final result.
i like feedback, especially on how to improve. thnx! :D
(years later I wrote a conclusion to this masterpiece, but it took it down from eliteskills just for :'()
Muted -------------------------------------------
Muted
as i sit in this forgotten lonely place
i claw my fingers deep into the wall
and write with moments of such grace
the memories of my all
etched in a symbolic writing
is the metaphor for feeling
calling out and invitng
a lesson so appealing
fixed in the dark corners of the room
is the chair i was forced to sit
which adorns my empty tomb
perfect for its painful fit
this cell is where i have been waiting
to wipe the blood off these arms
and this sentence is so degrating
that ive caused self harm
no light sheds through to here
for the walls have no windows
however the hour always near
telling truth to those who know
like the column on the clock
swaying back and forth
over and over again to mock
everything i am by force
with absolutely no remorse
insanity runs down this wickedness
making creases in the patterns
altering with sucess
and burning, like a lantern
so i fall to knee and cry
with my last moment of innocence
and beg myself to redeem
my final screams...with silence.
Despite what saveddragon said, I loved the ryhming, and the flow. This was written extremely well. The whole time I was reading it I felt like I was trapped in a cave, and the only way to get out was to slit my wrists and wait for death to come to me. I loved this, and I am considering adding this to my favorites! Alyssa
I love how this starts out. The first stanza drew me in and insisted I continue reading. You did a great job in writing this. It may need a touch up here and there, but overall, I think it's quite good.
I seem to get the metaphor. A prison cell's similarity to being locked away in our own minds. I really like the ending stanza. Though I think I would change that last "scream" to "cry" .. to avoid repetition.
I sort of smiled at that one line hanging out there to itself. When I first write up a draft and then make it into the final poem, I sometimes have more lines than the stanza calls for, but too good to leave out. I'm glad you left that one in.. it adds to the poem.
Submission Name: Muted
