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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dance With Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 595
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1220



    Description:
       I was watching a video from his two proms, and the two of us were there, slow dancing in each others arms, whispering in each others ears, exchanging those innocent, yet intimate touches that only two people in love can do, and I wanted so badly to have just one more dance with him.


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    dotsDance With Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Images in a frame,
    In a scrapbook, on a screen.
    Two people frozen in time,
    No empty spaces in between.
    Lyrics of a love song,
    Forever stuck in my mind.
    No matter what, they take me back,
    To that place and time.

    I want to dance with you,
    I want to be in your arms once more.
    I want to feel your breath on my neck
    As our feet glide across the floor.
    I want to dance with you.
    I want to remember the love I've lost.
    I want just one more dance with you,
    No matter what it costs.

    Images on a screen,
    Us dancing cheek to cheek.
    You brush a curl away from my face,
    And into my ear, you speak.
    My fingers rest on the back of your neck,
    Entwine themselves in your hair.
    We share a long, sweet, beautiful kiss,
    We didn't have a care.

    I want to dance with you
    I want your fingers in my hair
    I want just one more perfect moment,
    To pretend like you still care.
    I want to dance with you
    I want to be more than a friend
    I want just one more dance with you,
    Like we never had to end.




    Submitted on 2006-01-20 11:51:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I was looking for poems on longing and yours caught my eye- nothing captures longing more than "I want just one more dance with you- no matter what it costs" just love that line- and the repetition of " I want to dance with you" really made it feel like a dance- I think this one was great- Bonnie
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by delusional | [ Reply to This ]
      Why did the last verse bring tears to my eyes and bumps to my skin? I don't usually get like that for poems, but I did for this one. It flowed really nice, and portrayed the unconditional love perfectly. The rhyming scheme is really good. I'm trying to figure it out the way they teach you to do in school (You know... "A, b, a, b, a, b" if every other line rhymes...) but I can't. It's complex, I like it. But I think you use the words "I want" a little too much. I know it's supposed to be repetative like that, but there's just something about it that bugs me. Might just be my personal preference, though. Overall, fantastic.
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh...pretty. I loved this. I kept trying to pick a favorite line, but I can't. I loved the last line though, it served as a wonderful ending.
    This poem really captured your emotions. Great poets are the ones who can really transfer all of their emotions on to their paper and into a reader. This poem really did this.
    As for the structure of the poem its self, the rhyme scheme was interesting. A lot of people cannot work with this rhyme scheme because their rhymes tend to grow more and more cliché as the poem goes on. But, because you are a great poet, escaped this and created truly inspiring and origional rhymes. Very good job on this one.
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      Awwww...this was sweet. Nicely written too and the longing showed thru in vivid images.
    I like how it is a somewhat revolving type of write...much like how a nice slow dance should be. It really captures the imagination. Good stuff.
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very nice. I am currently at this point in my life. That is why this piece scores very high with me. It wasn't really a dance for me... just some special times that I wish I could relive.

    Very sweet! I guess that would be the best way to describe your work. Nice job on reliving to moment.

    Monica
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by mon28 | [ Reply to This ]


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