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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Pass The Timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jessie thomas
    ASL Info:    24/F/Alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.13 - 299/338/79
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 668



    Description:
       This is not a very good poem, because I had no real inspiration for it. I've never even somked before... It stemed for the desire to write. It is ok though, so I decided to post it. The ending needs a little work...peticulry the last stanza... So if you have any suggestions tell them to me.
    Brutally honest reviews would be appriciated..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Pass The Timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I spent all my nights
    Waiting for you
    And when you came back
    You didn't want me.

    You told me you loved me
    And always would
    When did you decide
    You no longer needed me?

    I cried for you
    I lied for you
    Until I became
    Something I hated

    Drinking, smoking
    Getting high
    All because I thought
    Thats what you wanted

    You said you wanted
    To set me free
    So I could live the life
    You thought I'd love.

    I loved you
    I wanted you
    It seems you only needed
    to pass some time




    Submitted on 2006-01-20 15:00:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ok in the first stanza is sad you wait for someone and they come back and reject you that is troubling. it is even more depressing in the second stanza when you write “when did you decide you no longer needed me?” that is heart wrenching how some people treat others like they are disposable even when I am furious at a person and I cannot stand them breathing if they come back with a better heart I have no choice but to forgive them. I think everyone should be that way to some degree. But it doesn’t stop there as far as tumbling downward into despair with the third stanza how you say “until I become something I hated” how one can hate themselves because of what another does is another very sad account of human nature and yet I do feel that part, people are wicked sometimes when it comes to the consideration of others. the fourth stanza the drinking and smoking because it was something someone else wanted to do that is a shame. more sadness and the write wraps up with your words of devotion and in the end the callousness of the one that was loved. I have a couple of suggestions and one correction:

    “[So] when did you decide
    [that] you no longer needed me?”

    “I cried for you
    [even] lied for you”

    “[That’s] what you wanted”

    “I loved you [dearly]
    [and] wanted you”

    Anyhow a very sad write Jessie hope you have much better days, nicely done,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. I like the fatc that you made me feel the cold hard truth and made me realize that I agree. Love is a cold hard [censored]
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that it's not as good as most of your other stuff because you didn't really feel it. The really great ones are the ones that really happen to you, the ones that you're emotionally invested in. It was good, but it was typical, you know? If you really meant it, there would be that certain spark to it. But I know all about just writing to pass the time...
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      You're right the ending seems a little misplaced mainly because it doesn't flow with the same kind of energy that the rest of the piece did but other than that it was pretty good. Very nice.

    Kuddos,
    Jermaine.
    | Posted on 2006-01-20 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]


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