Description: Well, I fell asleep in class today and had a dream about drowning. I slowly woke up and class was over. lol. The teacher wasn't happy, but I got some inspiration from it! It needs work. So go ahead and give me some thoughts.
A Poem About Drowning -------------------------------------------
Drifting into the darkest of deep waters
A peaceful place away from man
Where a slight pressure cold as ice
Pulls me further into its beautiful opacity
My breath has stolen away to the surface
As a cool liquid rushes to replace it in my lungs
I open my eyes to see the calm quiver above
The light trying helplessly to find me
But the crystal clear fluid begs to differ
And as empty as my heart is
I feel it's better if I did not leave
I can't pull myself to resist
The hypnotic falling motion
That keeps me enchanted in it's gentle caress
I hold out a hand to touch the mercury sky
But it had grown so far away
Realizing that hope had left me alone
And I let my eyes close to the shadows again
Sinking deeper and deeper
As conscience fades away...
lovely imagination.
because i can't ask anyone who has actually drown,i'm gonna have to guess that this must be what it's like.
this has a nice dreamy slow pace to it, kind of pulls the reader right in and is perfect given the subject matter.
the one and only semi-awkward moment for me is "if i did not leave even if..."
something didn't feel quite right in the break between those 2 lines,could be just me.
this is good.
like it.
1
Quite excellent! You have pulled us into your poem, if not into your dream drowning pool...wonderfully executed, you wave a marvelous poem throughout... I loved it.. loved it! ... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
Dear Lilithe you've done it again, Oh how gifted are we forsaken. I enjoy the sounds of the words on my lips. Your writing is truly a marvel to behold.- Yours Truly, Kain
This poem was ultimately depressing more than anything. I couldnt help but feel despair while my eyes raced over your words. I love it because it caught my eyes, there was no bull[censored] in it, and it flowed great. Keep writing and be a little mor positive alright? life isnt so bad lmfao.
This is interresting. The drowning person doesn't seem to mind that they are going to die. It is more like they have come to terms that they cannot save themselves, and are staunchly resolved to die peacefully, rather than flailing uselessly in the water. The imagery brought back the memories of the time I almost drowned at the lake, which was probably the most peaceful time I have ever had. Drowning is really not that bad, just a lack of air, which, if you can ignore the experience is actually is quite tranquil. Oh, and just to let you know, ferther is misspelled, were you trying to say "farther," or "further"? Good job. Overall It was a life-like read. Salaam.
i feel a great amount of sorrow in this poem. i feel as if the personin this poem has givin up all hopes of continuing on in life ad would rather drown and die than to suffer and live on. it is so great at providing imagry that i felt i was there and i realy wanted to jump in and save that person.well thx for the read.
Realistic, but sad. It makes you think that the person drowning want to die. The poem itself is a great piece of work. Other than a few spelling errors I don't see anything wrong with it. It does, however, have a very clam 'nature' (I guess you could say) to it. It doesn't read as angry or scared, just calm... Not too common in poems about death. Well done.
I love it. Freeverse, which is my favortie type of poem to read. Its so hypnotic. I would not change anything because this slow flow of completely unforced words makes the poem great. I can't really point out any obvious errors...and I don't point out grammar errors...ever. Not that I saw any. I like it...alot.
Not only does this poem is realistic... its have a gentle motion weave within this poem. like when u toss a pebble down the ocean.. its slowly sink.. not fast but like motionless... i find this poem very calming indeed with many dabs of insight of thoughts,and slow motion...with just admiting of failure.. so there no sign of trying to fight back... just sinking away into the darkness... no signs of wanting to be alive.. but admiting to the darkness depth of the bottomless floor...
The slow synopsis of a drowning man/woman's last thoughts as they slide into a gentle darkness (similar to Ophelia's disorientation and death in 'Hamlet', as layers of awareness peel away like onion skin, revealing a dark core). I don't suppose your teacher would like my suggestion, but you should 'sleep' more often, this is very nicely done. Take care. Bill.
deep. not only is there a feeling that it was realistic to it, but there is emotions beneath the words. like an ocean frozen over. a layer of thick ice on top (the words) but beneath it is a bottomless pit of depth and meaning (the emotions). Keep it up!
Submission Name: A Poem About Drowning
