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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ignorance and My Frienddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 701
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1325



    Description:
       I wrote this because I figured that if littlepoet could write a poem about me, I could write one about her.
    I do think it's rather good, though. Therefore, I would like you to find every imperfection and point it out to me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIgnorance and My Frienddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ignorance is bliss,
    So I have heard,
    But never understood,
    Amidst all the words.

    Days and nights reading,
    Searching the Earth,
    Striving for knowledge,
    Seeking no berth.

    For as I wander,
    I discover new gaps,
    And desire to fill them,
    In a place on the map.

    I do not wade,
    I swim in the seas,
    Diving far deeper,
    Than exists a lee.

    Yet on my way back,
    To the shore for a rest,
    I found in the shallows,
    Someone content.

    Content to wade,
    Seeking no more,
    Loving the sun,
    And immediate warmth.

    I tried to persuade her,
    To follow me in.
    She kicked and they screamed,
    But I wouldn’t give in.

    Pulling and pushing,
    With waves at my back,
    I tried and I tried,
    But the strength I lacked.

    And now does she sit,
    Arms crossed and legs folded,
    Wading far shallower,
    Than when she had started.

    I called to her still,
    “Join me, it’s hot.”
    Just as before,
    She heeded me not.

    I must go back in;
    The borders, they call.
    But ever on my mind,
    The friend that I called.




    Submitted on 2006-01-21 07:56:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting. It was especially interesting to me because I do not believe in the saying "ignorance is bliss" either. Sure, I understand it and you're at peace if you don't know the war the rest of the world is fighting, but when you have the knowledge you have the choice to be at peace or not. In my opinion the choice to be happy or sad is more important than just being happy.

    There I am yapping away, down to the poem: why the hell did you go off rhyme in stanzas six and seven? I don't get it everything was going fine, and then you just come back into the rhyme scheme again, it doesn't make sense.

    That's my main critique, so I suggest you do something about me cause it pissed me off, lol. Things were flowing smoothly, I didn't even think you had that much of a struggle fitting words in an "abcb". Come on, revise this and show me what you've got.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Just one imperfection...

    "Pulling and pushing,
    With waves at my back,
    I tried and I tried,
    But strength I lacked."

    The last line there could use one more syllable. My favourite part of this poem is how it rhymes so well. No matter how hard I try, I struggle with rhyming. It also creates a vivid mental picture. When I was reading this, I saw it happening.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
      Here's a couple suggestions.

    In S5L4 you describe your subject in the singular ("Someone"), but thereafter use plural ("them").

    I also felt that S4L4 was a bit forced - plus, doesn't "lee" have to do with wind rather than currents?

    -Frank
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
      That is really awesome and it does not lack anything in my opinion. And I liked it espically this lines:
    " Pulling and pushing,
    With waves at my back,
    I tried and I tried,
    But strength I lacked."
    That is really wonderful part. Good job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    88316

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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