Tunnel Vision by lmz

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Submission Name: Tunnel Vision dots

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Author:	lmz
ASL Info:	37/female/USA
Elite Ratio:	8 - 3416/1525/84
Words:	99

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	913
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	742

Description:

Tunnel Vision dots

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She wades in salt water
head hanging low,
much like a lone heron
searching for a meal,
its energy for survival.

Her viewpoint sees only
reflection of the vast
brilliant surroundings,
focusing just on
dark undertones
rippling before her.

Soothing sounds of life
on the shore compliment
refreshingly subtle breeze,
yet she inhales only
stale silence suffocating her
with each empty breath.

Despite the peaceful scenery,
she can see only turmoil.
Her cove isn't nature made
but one created from tears,
and the nourishment she needs
is not derived from food.

Submitted on 2006-01-21 09:55:42 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Another beautiful piece of work, Lorna! I read this to describe the state of mind of one in a temporarily depressed state, needing a hug and an infusion of love from someone who really cares and understands! You write with such awesome grace and incisiveness! I have become an ardent fan!
| Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
  A very sad piece. From my reading I have gathered that this is possibly about a person who despite what goes around her, whether it be good or whatever she always manages to see the neagtive in it. Or is about the diffculty of loneliness and isolation and the effect that it can have on people. This can be interpreted in various way my friend. You imagery and chose of words in this is simply brilliant. And from this write you have sealed your fate, I just simply have to stalk you ( hmmm... don't think that quite came out right, anyways you seem to be quite the poet I hope you don't mind me dropping in a regular basis to comment on your stuff. )

Anyways, definitely keep up the good work and have a blessed and wonderful day.
| Posted on 2006-04-08 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  I love imagery, you have displayed that well here. The first stanza was my favorite. I just lOVED the visual. I can't think anything negative to say about this poem. I might add it to my favorites. Thanks for the lovely comment on my poem as well. KCD
| Posted on 2006-03-17 00:00:00 | by laypearlsaside | [ Reply to This ]
  pretty darn good. it made me go on a little journey of thought type thing. i liked it. honest. nice details. good stuff. we grow when we are alone . . . by the way.
| Posted on 2006-02-11 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna, this is a very tender and touching poem. You have captured the essence of loneliness and rejection. Isn't it true how the beauty that surrounds us offers no pleasure when the heart is empty and the grandest feast is nothing more then stale bread to the solitary soul. I could feel the bleakness that accompanies a broken heart and identified with this character. Lovely work, Dan
| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
  Oooh what a powerful piece..It definately has that motivational slant to it...Indeed its the kid of inspiration one needs after having a challenging encounter. Moreover, the first impression thi write gave me was that of a DOLPHIN...Call me infatuated with these beautiful creatures but it felt too appropriate..Also your use of metaphors is just captivating..I gotta say. its amazing how we perceive reality, but the most intriguing element is trully how humans have the abililty to express simple thoughts so intricately..A very sagacious work of art...Be happy...thank you for sharing...Nobantu
| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved this one very much. The metaphor is really interesting, but I guess you already know that. This piece really paints a picture, and nice steady flow of it surely helps a lot. The emotions are very well balanced; there is no unnecessary melodrama.
You conveyed your massage in a very convincing way. But the last stanza somehow reveals too much. It is written metaphorically, but in spite that it is too explanatory. But still this is a good poem. I enjoyed reading it.
| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
  First off lemme say I just loved your metaphor, the heron and a girl. Is this poem for me? Are you sure this poem isn't for me? Cuz it sure does seem like it's for me..lol anyway I can relate to this very well, me being a pessimist and all, and I think you have created a poem that very well expresses just how negative someone can be, in reference to a heron's unique ways.

focusing just on
dark undertones
rippling before her.

yet she inhales only
stale silence suffocating her
with each empty breath.

Despite the peaceful scenery,
she can see only turmoil.

The way you created contrasting images, like how a stanza starts with a nice little idea, and suddenly ends with a bitterness., is just superb. It really punched me in the gut. And how you ended this piece with "and the nourishment she needs is not derived from food" Could you be any clearer and truer? Dang, that really got to me. I'm jealous, really. I enjoyed your piece so much! Couldn't help rolling eyes at myself Ü Looking forward to more of your great works. I'm adding this to my faves. Woot.

^shatila
| Posted on 2006-02-07 00:00:00 | by shatila | [ Reply to This ]
  Very Interesting piece here, seems like to me she has deep down emotional trama and cries deeply enough to cause her own pool. The only relieve she gets is when others some what or some how listen then dissapoint her again. Perhapes at one time things were of good cheer. Oddly enogh things have lead to tears major tears. For she does not take part of her surroundings
but would rather drown in her tears.

This is a heart tugging pome one of longing to be understood. The problem is either she can no longer trust or the one's she do trust have let her down.
I have to say this is a very good write. Loved the symbolics riddled within. Also how the ending unites the beging. over all I like it alot I give a 5 for the deep thought of solving the mystery. Thank you for as I read I was led away from where I am and with her in the pool.

Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
| Posted on 2006-06-24 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
  A very capturing write of a woman that has been alone to long. She comes to this shore to gather her thoughts, thinking as she weeps with the ache of hunger which food cannot quench. Only the feel of another can ease and feed this hunger within her.
Very impressive and nicely written!
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
  even though I am 31st person to comment, I still want to tell you how much I loved this

'Her viewpoint sees only
reflection of the vast
brilliant surroundings,
focusing just on
dark undertones
rippling before her.'

I love this part, for the beautiful metaphor.
I can relate very much to seeing what is wrong rather then what is good.
It isnt even at the point of looking for 'silver lining'
You are stuck in darkness, in your mind, always there is something to go wrong.
Its when you are in love but you always thinking of what could go wrong.
Always leaning to the negtive side of things,
its like you know its going to happen, so why not just get used to it?

as you can see, this brought up a lot of memories for me. I can relate to it very well.
You see only the reflection of beauty, not the beauty itself.
Beautifully written Lorna!
thank you
& take care
~jennifer
| Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  Yes, one can shut down the aperture that accepts light in life and only let so much of what can be seen into the eye, heart and soul. You've done a wonderful job of expressing this idea.

Seeing only what one focuses on can cause great heartache, a view from the sky creates a greater vision of what is possible.

I love the varied elements here and the loose quality of the write, they seem nearly unrelated but you pull them together nicely. Beautiful crafting, I would not change anything here.

peace,

Nan
| Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  A great metaphor, the eternal pessimist as a heron. You"ve written it well. You created some original phrases,

"the stale silence"

"Her cove isn't nature-made"

The images blend together nicely, the heron-like ones and those of this poor, miserable woman.

My only suggestion would be to carry the metaphor to completion. Do not tell us she is like a heron, just refer to her as the heron. Maybe:

"The heron wades in salt water
head hanging low
searching for food (or a meal)
and the energy to survive."

Then in the next stanzas I think you can highlight her visions of darkness more concisely.

She sees the vast reflection
of her brilliant surroundings.
Yet, she focuses on
the dark undertones
rippling before her.

Soothing sounds of life
on the shore
carry on refreshing, subtle breezes.
Yet, she inhales only
the stale silence
that suffocates her.

I think this contrast will set up your final stanzaand those great closing lines.

In spite of the peaceful scenery
she sees only, turmoil.
Her cove is not nature-made
but, one created from tears,
and the nourishment she seeks
is not derived from food.

I just think that by making the contrast more concise and sharp, it all just adds to the great closing. By leaving no staement as to whether you speak of a person or heron, it causes the reader to think, and to follow in search of an answer.

Again, a great metaphor, original phrases, and interesting images. I think there are places where you could change the more common description for something else, such as "peaceful scenery". Why not look for something more unusual.

As is though, I thoroughly enjoyed it. The mataphor worked and the subject was, let's say, enlightening. Nice one.

Phil
| Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  okies... u have alot of poetry and alot of awards... and lots of comments... but i always comment on peoples poetry who comment on mine... makes things even. i can see why u have so many comments though after reading through this, you are a veri good writer. this is so sad... and it really touches me... when im feeling down, i go fro a run along the river bank... and even though looking out at the water i know is the most beautiful thing, i mean it's gorgeous, the way the trees sweep the waters edge... i still sometimes feel low... the girl in the poem must really have alot on her mind if even the beautiful scenery can't take her mind off what ever has brought her down...
i really like the idea... i mean it's not nice but it's deffinatly a good theme... and once again great writer, im really glad to have come across your page.

keep writing!
when u find something ur good at... u should stick at it.
stick at this. please.
thoughts *jen*
| Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by thoughts | [ Reply to This ]
  A one sided mind is a very sad thing... it sounds like she has been going through some rough times that have taken the believer out of her... no matter how many nice things of just life are around her she only sees the bad and dark things and that is really really sad... I enjoyed reading this because it shows the mentallity of a person who have gone through rough times and have lost all the trust in anything and everything... I am sorry I am getting to this so late I have been doing a research project that has me up the walls lol better late than never... It is awesome like all your writes

Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
| Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
  Sorry it took me so long to get back with you... Ive been stuck in a rut lately...writers block maybe

I really enjoyed this. Sometimes when we look at nature we fail to notice the lonliness engraved in the images... this showed us the struggle of natures beauty not by struggle for food but for struggle of contentment, happiness.

We fail to remember that even simple creatures thrive for love, and for happiness... we are often so engrossed in our own lives

Anywho, another spectacular write from a very gifted poet!

Hugs,
Ealla
| Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
  i can certainly feel the longing and lonliness in this.. it resonated with me, particularly at this time in my life. even the beauty and brilliance
of nature can't take you from the depression
that grows inside like a cancer..

"Her cove isn't nature made..." i found that very interesting, like how we hide when we are feeling so low that we can't even face life.
tunnel vision, indeed...
well done Lorna.
peace,
~Cat
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna,

Oh... this is so good. I love the meaty metaphor and the way it brings us through it.

The image of an ocean made from tears is very intense and real to me. It can look so peaceful at a glance but in reality it is torture.

This certainly has images that resonate with me.

Just a though, but I liked reading the last verse first. You might look at opening and closing with it. No need to change it, just an idea.

Good job!
Chrystine
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
  Whatever her reason for being on this lonely shore I could feel the extreme sadness and longing. You described that wonderfully. I guess one has to actually walk a moment in her "barefeet" to fully understand the feelings you wrote about here. I've been there several times myself and I can say.. your talent in describing this was quite good. The title fit the poem well, too.
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the extended metaphor of this piece. The scope of details is limited in this piece. As compared to the others it shows an intentional restraint. As if to emphasize the feelings of solitude and loneliness in this piece. I think that you have rightly narrowed the perspective. I did notice the tense was awkward in these lines.

her viewpoint sees only
reflection of the vast

I like the comparison in these lines that reinforce the light to darkness comparison in the last stanza. It emphasizes the extent of her tunnel vision.

soothing sounds of life
on the shore compliment
refreshingly subtle breeze,
yet she inhales only
stale silence suffocating her
with each empty breath.

I don't think turmoil is entirely supported by the comparative imagery in the previous stanzas. In fact the imagery is more of somber darkness than actual turmoil. I understand you are addressing an internal state but the metaphor points to how an emotional state alters our perception of reality so that there needs be a connection between the emotional state and the way the world is perceived. Although turmoil is in the neighborhood I think that adjectives along the lines of depression are more in keeping with the imagery you have described. It is a small thing of course.

Despite the peaceful scenery,
she can see only turmoil.
Her cove isn't nature made
but one created from tears,
and the nourishment she needs
is not derived from food.

So I like the mood you have created in this piece. Your language is also very soft and pensive. There are some very nice comparisons in this piece that paint a clear emotional picture. Nice work.
| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow Lorna,

This is kind of deep but I have my own interpretation of this poem. I feel it is someone who struggles with indecision in life. They walk the middle of the path and have insight into both the dark and light side of life. One foot planted firmly on each side. This person has seen many good and bad things but remains undecided as to what life means to them. I feel that when they decide it will be a complete transformation into a new person.
This is a middle of the road straddle to me.
I liked this very much and I might be wrong in my interpolation but this is what I felt when I read your poem.

As always a great write.

Respect and Admiration
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  Once again i am finding very peaceful feelings coming from your writing. It has great meaning, as all of yours do, but it gives such a sence of peaceful acceptance, its wonderful. I have a problem with "much like a lone heron", i think thats to straightforward, just coming out and saying it, metaphor would go much better right there, i think.

~Kane~
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Kane Martyr | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi lorna I have to say I read this a day ago but was having trouble finding the words and then I ran out of time, I'm sure you know the feeling. And now you've beaten me to it I feel the shame.

I enjoyed reading this and thought that it could mean so many things, a bullied child sinking into herself and depression was my first impression, and one I think fits quite well although you have put it under longing so I think I'm way off the mark. I did think that last line in the first stanza might read better without the 'its' or move it to
energy for its survival.
You create a great if dark atmosphere and I found it quite enticing. Cheers.

TTFN
V
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  Having seen my share of herons and known my share of depressed girls, I can say you've come up with a wonderful analogy, one I probably should have come up with myself. LOL

I can picture a heron, stepping slowly with their methodical gait, picking up on foot clear of the water and replacing it a foot farther forward.

Of course, herons also have another trait, suddenly and dramatically bursting into flight. Hopefully your heron will soon find her wings.

Steve
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this piece Lorna & although I'm happy that you posted again this one brings a thought of loneliness and emptiness
It could be, as noted, in your piece that it is self-induced or this woman has this emptiness but doesn't see it being filled or wishes it was!
I hope this isn't an echo from your dear heart!
Well done girl!
Love,Peace,Joy&Smilez 2 share
tif
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Although much of the world has left detailed comments on this post (and I've read none of them, to keep my mind fresh), I'll weigh in with this observation: an outline of the mind of a chronically depressed soul. A lonely heron drowning in salt tears, unable to glimpse beauty for all the fearful shadows cast by imagined disasters, a shoreline of happiness just beyond reach; yep, it's all there. Those who fixate on misery as a mantra could certainly relate to the theme you've chosen to express. Sad and true. Nicely done. Take care of yourself. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a bit different than what I'm used to reading from you, but it's good just the same. It's a very sad and lonely place to be when you don't see everything good around you. All too often I think we all do that to some extent. I really like the imagery that you used here...and I hope that this Heron finds love to bring her back into a happy place. Heron's don't belong in salt water anyway!

Another nice write my dear!

Candi
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  Loneliness is the theme I detected from this. Seeking solice, leads us to many strange places - wading in the water included.

I thought it a side step from the norm of what I have read from you so far. Good though, even without any rhyme.

Frank.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna,

this was a sad but beautiful write. The title was perfect. The metaphor of a "sea of tears" in which she wades looking for love is just so fitting. However, love cannot be found in the dark currents of the salty cove. She must end her fascination and need to go there. If she is to find love, she must lift her head hear and see the beauty around her. That's where love resides!
The salty water only offers loss, is steeped in loss, and only bring more lonliness!

Loved it!! I do wish it were longer it was so good!

Steve
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Good read, and well written. I like the way the woman knows what she sees is almost 'flawed' and that she isnt able to do anything about it herself. She lacks things that every person needs to feel complete: love, courage, and determination to see through any problems she faces. This piece had great flow, and showed an excellent choice of words. Good one. Cheers.

Mstr Rz
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this whole poem, except for the first verse. The first verse seems a little forced, and could probably use one more line. Other than that, it flows quite nicely. You can really feel the emotion that she's feeling.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this was so well written. I like the way you said the woman knows that her vision is flawed but she is not able to fix the case her self. She lack love, courage, and comfort to see past the turmoil. I loved the way this flowed. I think your chose of words were excellent. I know I'm guilty of this at times. Thos was one poem I could relate to. Great job Lorna!

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  It's quite good. There is a lot of depth surrounding it. I do believe that it could have been longer. Something seemed to be missing and I felt like it stopped right in the middle. However, it was well written. Truly a sincere write. Good luck.

Forever,
Lilithe
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Lilithe_Aislin | [ Reply to This ]
  Lorna,

I read this nice piece and I wrote out this long deal on how the meal doesn’t go with the end, the nourishment without food. Then I looked back and saw the words “much like” crap! I said to myself as I erase my entire comment and start over. Ok let me see here the story is sad wading in the water, lonely and searching. The energy of the bird is food yet the energy of the person here I would think is love.

Her view focusing on dark undertones is perhaps building a wall against certain people. She is aware of the brilliant surroundings but is more focused on the bad things that come about. That is how I took that part.

The third stanza again is sad perhaps a hint of melancholy. There is life around and a nice breeze but it is spiraled down in mood with the inhales only stale silence and suffocation with each breath.

The fourth stanza is by far the most depressing regardless of the surroundings there is turmoil and also a cove. The cove I think is emptiness from past hurts and disappointments, when all she really wants above all is to be loved, I would think almost a mad love, one that doesn’t look back. Such love is hard to find. Take care Lorna and well done,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I see this poem as another part of the way a human can possibly live. It's very well written, filled with a lot if imagery and things that make the reader fantasize on how this would be if it were real. I give it two thumbs up. YOu took a lot of time in writing this. Nicely done.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Heat | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh my, I'm the first to comment on this one. It is a well written piece though kinda sad it seems to me. But that is why it is classed as longing I suppose.I find no fault with this write. May your days be brighter and happiness surround you forever.
Enjoyed the read,
!doc'
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
  Sounds to me like a darn good place to drown in her own tears! This old bird, has seen a lot of Heron's looking for a minnow or two. They stand motionless on one leg waiting for a fish to come hide under her shadow, and become lunch.
This little fledgling here has other ideas, Standing in a pool of tears! She needs to be fed a good old afternoon delight! Maybe an armfull of Kisses that did not come from Hershey's. Perhaps some cards games, and she might start out with 'Poker'.
But, there is always that inner psycho problem that lets her collect all those tears in the first place.
For that she'll need to lay down on my little couch while I ask dumb questions about her childhood and spider webs, chewing gum and roller skates, and yes if she could hear her parents squeaking the bed at night! I believe not hearing that bed, has left a lot of young girls frigid! I'm still studying that theory
And her tunnel vision has me still confused!
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  You know something Lorna
I dont know how you did it
But this write drew me back to California
And I saw just how unhappy I am there compared to the East Coast
I am working on moving back to NJ as we speak
Please keep your fingers crossed
God Bless
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  That sounds very sad, I agree with my two eliteskill's fellow writers. And really It's a well written piece. I hope your coming days will be full of brigthness and shinning of hope in the coming future.
Good Job.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, so it this about writing poetry? To me it felt like it, it has this soft hushed tone of desturction or sadness in it. The way she sees everything beautiful, but really ONLY sees the darkness it in. It's like she made her own "cove" because of that.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
  I can only think of one thing to say - FANTASTIC! This is a wonderful piece. Only two minor - VERY minor things. You mean 'complement' (with an E) in the 3rd stanza. And the other isjust preference. I wouldn't use 'isn't' in the last stanza - to me it just doesn't fit in with the tone of the poem. I would say 'is not.' Just my preference, but it stands wonderfully. A nice serene feel to this and I love the heron metaphor.

A fave.

Peace,

Joe
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

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