Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: giver_of_death
Elite Ratio:    4.09 - 106 /72 /18
Words: 591
Class/Type: Story /Death
Total Views: 1256
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 3154


Something I've been working on fior a bit.Let me know how it is.


You're running Faster and faster as you hear the pounding of footsteps behind you.Hes coming you tell yourself. Coming to get you ehven thougyh you think you don't know him. The moon, barely visible as you run under the trees that seem to stretch for miles. The random croak of a frog helps you feel like you're not alone. Running on the slippery pebbles by the swamp, they move and crack as you step on them. Not seeing the twig infront of you, you trip. Your new jeans, ripped, your knee, bleeding, you stumble over to a nearby tree but colapse halfway there. You're worried now. Hes coming for you. The stomps become louder untill you see the figure, your father.He runs past you as if you were a log.As you look down the path, you see a knife, glaeming in the light of the moon. Wheres he going and why in such a hurry, you ask yourself.You decide to follow.Hiding in the shadows of the trees making sure not to be caught under the light of the moon.He comes to a hault, near a very framiler house, your aunts. You know this way to well after the passing of your mom and the disapperaence of your dad, you've lived here...but why is he here now?Why did he decide to come and maybe hurt your loved ones?He crosses the street causing a car to skid into a ditch and come out and yell, but he doesn't seem to care he almost killed someone.You stay hidden withen the shadows of the trees untill it becomes to much so you follow him inside your house, well, close enough to the window to see whats going on.He bursts through the door, A sound so loud it could have woken the neighbourhood, but inside, notihng is disturbed.He takes the knife to your sleeping cousins neck on the couch.In his slep, what a lovely way to go.Making sure not to step on the squeky floorboard, though, how would he know what one it was, he takes the knife to the back of your favourite aunt. A part of you knows you have to get out of there, you're next.The other part is telling you to go in and stop him.You don't know him that well but there has to be good in him somewhere. You slide in the door without moving it as he stands over your aunt in the kitchen, making sure shes dead. You try to walk up the stairs to your room, regretting you choice of coming in, when you step and the loose floorbaord. Fuck you curse loudly.He turns and speed walks towards you as you fumble for the knob on the door. You trip on the multi colopured mat in the hallway as he pushes you over anyway and says his speach:

You've come so far in your life but the pain of you moms death seems to hard for you.Let me end that for you.

You turn your head and you can taste the fabric of the mat.You always hated it but now its a crome scene.You close your eyes and takes your final breath as you feel the knife slitting your throught.

He then, runs down the block and catches a cab to his home in Seatle.The next day, He uses his knife with his new family.The knife he used to kill his nephew, the knife he used to kill his sister in law.The knife he used to kill his daughter, To cut His Thanksgiving Dinner.

Submitted on 2006-01-21 11:25:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Oh my goodness my dear! This is one heck of a dark piece. I have to tell you that some of the spelling errors kind of got in the way when I was reading this, but the story you have is really good. Horrifying, but very good. You told this story like you were really there and actually saw this whole thing unfolding in front of you. If you have the time or want you should check out my poem "In The Night", I had this really freaky thing happen to me in study hall and saw this crazy "flashback" of something that had never happened to me before, but it was so real. Your piece kind of reminded me of that. It's so very real and I'll probably have to sleep with my light on

I think the ending was very creative and you scared the daylights outta me!

| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked this story very dark and yet it as an element about it that is wow it was well written keep it up and good job i am going to add it to my faves
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by EV2884 | [ Reply to This ]
  Very dark. Lol.
You made loads of technical errors. You really need to go over this agin. On the second line down 'ehven thougyh' Also near the bottom of the first paragraph '[censored] you curse loudly'. '[censored]' should have speech marks around it, unless if you remove the '[censored]' competly.
You also seem to not like putting spaces between fullstops and the next letter following it, e.g '...a log.As you look...'
You need to improve on when you use ' before an 's'. For instance (Second paragraph) 'moms' should be spelt mom's. [ ' is used before an 's' if the person owns something e.g 'that pen is mum's'. The pen belongs to her mum therefore an ' is added. ' is also used with an 's' if you are using the 's' as a way to shorten saying 'it is']
It's interesting how you use 'you' instead of first or third person.
I love the ending. It's cool the way you emphersise how evil the person is by talking about how he used the same knife he killed people with, to eat his 'Thanksgiving dinner'.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
  All spelling and grammer errors aside, this is a very well written piece that posses an awesome dark auror that really pulls the reader in. The ending is definatly the best! I loved it! My suggestion would be don't write so fast so you don't make little spelling mistakes because obivously you know that even is not spelled with ehven so just write a little slower next time or look over it again. Apart from that, awesome write! Write on! You have a gift!
-Jess ^-^
| Posted on 2006-03-05 00:00:00 | by Caiss Prejent | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?