Shadowless by Heat

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Submission Name: Shadowless dots

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Author:	Heat
ASL Info:	15/M/LA
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 44/58/15
Words:	71

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	208
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	501

Description:
This poem was written on December 20, 2005, and there's nothing to explain. Just a love poem.

Shadowless dots

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Shadowless.
That's how I feel,
When you are not with me.
I feel like I lost a part of me,
Because your presence is gone.
And I'm gonna make it right,
Cuz when I'm shadowless,
I'm lonely.
And I'm gonna make it feel good,
Cuz when I'm shadowless,
Two has lost it's half.
Baby, don't you run from me.
Baby, I'm gonna find you someday,
And I'm gonna make you mine.

Submitted on 2006-01-21 13:42:13 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I guess I can jump on the bandwagon here and throw a few more stones on "cuz". I see "cuz" occasionally used well in writing, but it always as part of character development and not in a complimentary way either. If you want to create the image of a stupid redneck, just write some dialogue that has him say "Cuz Hooters has the bes' hot wings". I use "for" a lot in these places where I don't want to spell out because.

"Gonna" falls pretty much in the same realm, although it works OK in lyrics.

I guess there are a few ways to fix the problem.
using
And I'm gonna make it right,
Cuz when I'm shadowless,
I'm lonely.
as an example:

You could become all English on us.
I'm going to improve it
For when I'm shadowless
I'm lonely
Ugh!

You could find a way to communicate your voice without using the phonetic slang. Maybe:
And I need to make it right,
You see, when I'm shadowless,
I'm lonely.

or
And I've got to make that right,
When I'm shadowless, I'm lonely.

Or you could tell me buzz off, by God, it's your piece. You'd be right that way too!

Good luck,
Steve

| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  With Burns Day coming up soon, I have to weigh-in in favor of using slang and dialect in poems. Though personally, "cuz" doesn't work for me.

I think one of the reason "cuz" is particularily cringe-worthy is that (to me at least) it's visually jarring.

Your first three lines have good rhythm, and 4 & 5 can also slide into a decent rhythm after reading it a couple times, but after that the next few lines suddenly seem to drop the rhythm.

-Frank
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the idea behind the work... the notion that being without the one you love is on par with lacking something as inalienable as a shadow. I do, however, feel that it could have been better executed through the employment of more literary device and tone to drive your theme home. But regardless of it's imperfections, I thought it was a fairly good piece. Don't stop writing.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by giventofly | [ Reply to This ]
  It's a decent poem, and like DrunkOnShadows said, you should avoid using the word 'cuz' unless it somehow adds to the topic of the poem, and it doesn't seem to be doing that here. The subject of the poem is pretty bland, and a tad overused, but the poem itself isn't either. It's got interesting wording and a well-structured flow at the end, and the title did exactly what it's supposed to do, make me read it and think "now that sounds interesting." To improve the flow of it, you could probably limit the number of sylables or words to each line, because that always helps greatly, even if it is a hard to do in some cases.

Some of it was a bit confusing, but overall it was a decent poem, I just think it probably could've been improved in some areas. Keep working at it though, because it wasn't bad.

-Adam.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Trifecta | [ Reply to This ]
  First thing... I really liked the poem, until I saw the word "cuz." That made me cringe. Please, spell words properly, expecially when it's in a piece of writing you're posting on a website for everybody to see.

"I'm gonna make it feel good."

That line confuses me. I don't understand how you can make loneliness and feeling shadowless feel good.

I like the last three lines, they flow really well. But I think you should work on your flow some more, because there are some lines in this poem that don't flow very well.
| Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]

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