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    dots Submission Name: Dear Unfaithfuldots

    Author: Naymless
    ASL Info:    15/F/phx, az
    Elite Ratio:    4.44 - 142/110/33
    Words: 294
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 899
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1729

        The Real title is: Dear Unfaithful May all Your Hopes and Dreams Come True. but its to damn long. This is just something I wrote for a class project, the only problem is I had to make it sound intellegent.

    It's basically about a brother who kills his sister's husband in the civil war, I'm still trying to find the right ending though.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDear Unfaithfuldots

    They could not brush away the sudden coldness of the room,
    The sudden coldness of the room,
    That followed me as my entrance occurred,
    It would lead me into the grasps of failure,

    Disrupting the stillness that keeps the fall away,
    She sings and awkward song bringing me to occult guilt,
    Calling to her fallen soldier to aid her in her time of need,
    The fallen soldier whom she had fallen so deeply for,

    She gave birth to my enemy,
    That child whom laughs at my lost dignity,
    As I gave her a dour apology,
    How can I forgive her? For she has fallen victim to her vile child’s laughter,

    So I will cut my wrist draining myself of the impurities that keep us so close together,
    And so my lovesick sibling,
    You and I must inimically rive,
    So that I may no longer be a witness to your inglorious rigmarole to his death,

    As you fall prey to their pernicious talk they may tell truth of his murderer,
    I can no longer provide you shelter for I am the fabled killer,
    And with no understanding of the cause,
    I must tell you that you should’ve known what war can do that to a man,

    Civilly destructive the war of opposing hands on the compass rose began,
    With every respire he hesitated at the sight of my face,
    But I did not use caution as I followed the rhythm of my cohort’s enfilade,
    I shot him down ignoring the look of surprise in his eyes,

    But he holds a gun in his hand,
    Griping closely to the bullet that would be the end of me,
    The anger in his eyes,
    Pitiful it is compared to mine.

    Submitted on 2006-01-21 14:14:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I didn't really get this. I think you forced it, because it was a class project. My advice is to rewrite it, only in your style. The off-rhyming feels forced, and not a lot is clear. It's a great subject, you just need to add more to it... Maybe, take it a different direction.

    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by bloody_carebear | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, the words you chose made it seem so real, you started this piece, so well, the last line of the first stanza, was great. as for an ending, perhaps you could campare the eyes of the person you killed to your sister,

    her eyes so daunting... killing,
    unwillingly they take another part of me.

    just a rough idea i'm sure you could do much better, i found some bits confusing, like you were presenting a image to someone who already knew. other then that wonderful write

    my pain
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very deep and bittersweet. The third stanza made me shiver... Probably because I wasn't expecting it. But the second stanza still kind of confuses me, and I've read it over twice. I also agree with Seele. The repetition of the line "The sudden coldness of the room" has a big impact on the reader, and it really makes the line stick. The third line is my favourite because of that repitition.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
      hey naymless...sorry it's been so long...this was [censored] awesome...I don't know exactly why but this one was entrancing to me! =X. I don't have any complaints with this one except as you said the ending is unfinished...I think it's close but at the moment I can't think of a good ending if I think of one I'll be sure to tell yo.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Cool! I liked the use of repertition on he first two lines, ('the sudden coldness of the room') it helped to make the line stick and made it sound more powerful. Beautifully written.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]

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