Description: I can't say for sure, but this might be the very first poem I ever wrote. I almost hate to post this poem, since I have largely moved away from writing about love. But I feel like it represents a very real and important part of my life when I cared for someone very deeply. It was a long time ago, so feel free to say what you will.
Her Eyes -------------------------------------------
Brighter than the moon, her eyes blind me
I catch a glimpse and look away
It can’t be good to stare
Dark, hard, dangerous… her eyes are obsidian
Uncaring, unflinching, unchanging
They shred me apart and shatter me to pieces
Like the flawed vessel that I am
And at the same time, they burn with fire and sulfur
Scorching me as I struggle to do something
As innocent as know her… As innocent as breathe
Her eyes are steel, piercing me through
As a sword wielded by the most skillful of hands
Brilliant but cold. They are finely polished
Reflecting my frustration at every turn
And at the same time, they burn with fire and sulfur
Scorching me as I struggle to do something
As innocent as know her… As innocent as breathe
This is beautiful, this part all on its own...as innocent as know her, this was such a great line...really beautiful.
It is a good thing that you could see so much from her eyes. It shows the depth of your passion for expression, for feelings. Or maybe I'm just being a silly girl. I adore this piece. It was pretty, I wish someone would look into my eyes and see so much.
Though this piece needs a little work, I like it the way it is... I don't have any suggestions on how to make it better, only you know what it would take... I like the comparisons you used to get your point across... You go about describing her eyes as something dangerous and then at the end you say you love her eyes... It makes me think about the fact that sometimes you can't help but love what/who hurts you the most...
I don't like the first line because it hints at being cliché. And I didn't like the ending because it seemed a little too obvious. I did think your thought progression, flow, phrasing/vocab/imagery were really good for the rest of the poem. I liked how the quality of her finely polished eyes kept you at a distance at the end and I'd give you about a 6/10 for the way you worded it...do a little nmore with it and there may be no need for the original last line anyway.
Three points for reading the poem before the description, and making myself look like an idiot. I should of read and saw that you've matured away from love. Hah, sorry about that.
Hm. This could be better. This could be a lot better. Instead of writing about the girl that took your life away. Write about how things would be if ...(insert random event herE) hadn't happened. Change it up. Don't write the poem that everyone writes. Don't be generic. be you. But I like the words you chose, nice job.
Submission Name: Her Eyes
DB