Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Her Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1335
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 734



    Description:
       I can't say for sure, but this might be the very first poem I ever wrote. I almost hate to post this poem, since I have largely moved away from writing about love. But I feel like it represents a very real and important part of my life when I cared for someone very deeply. It was a long time ago, so feel free to say what you will.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHer Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Brighter than the moon, her eyes blind me
    I catch a glimpse and look away
    It can’t be good to stare

    Dark, hard, dangerous… her eyes are obsidian
    Uncaring, unflinching, unchanging
    They shred me apart and shatter me to pieces
    Like the flawed vessel that I am

    And at the same time, they burn with fire and sulfur
    Scorching me as I struggle to do something
    As innocent as know her… As innocent as breathe

    Her eyes are steel, piercing me through
    As a sword wielded by the most skillful of hands
    Brilliant but cold. They are finely polished
    Reflecting my frustration at every turn

    God, I love her eyes.




    Submitted on 2006-01-21 20:52:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      And at the same time, they burn with fire and sulfur
    Scorching me as I struggle to do something
    As innocent as know her… As innocent as breathe


    This is beautiful, this part all on its own...as innocent as know her, this was such a great line...really beautiful.

    It is a good thing that you could see so much from her eyes. It shows the depth of your passion for expression, for feelings. Or maybe I'm just being a silly girl. I adore this piece. It was pretty, I wish someone would look into my eyes and see so much.

    Sincerest Affections
    Ava
    | Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by madhatress | [ Reply to This ]
      Though this piece needs a little work, I like it the way it is... I don't have any suggestions on how to make it better, only you know what it would take... I like the comparisons you used to get your point across... You go about describing her eyes as something dangerous and then at the end you say you love her eyes... It makes me think about the fact that sometimes you can't help but love what/who hurts you the most...
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by HeavensDeceit | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like the first line because it hints at being cliché. And I didn't like the ending because it seemed a little too obvious. I did think your thought progression, flow, phrasing/vocab/imagery were really good for the rest of the poem. I liked how the quality of her finely polished eyes kept you at a distance at the end and I'd give you about a 6/10 for the way you worded it...do a little nmore with it and there may be no need for the original last line anyway.

    Enjoyable read DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Three points for reading the poem before the description, and making myself look like an idiot. I should of read and saw that you've matured away from love. Hah, sorry about that.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm. This could be better. This could be a lot better. Instead of writing about the girl that took your life away. Write about how things would be if ...(insert random event herE) hadn't happened. Change it up. Don't write the poem that everyone writes. Don't be generic. be you. But I like the words you chose, nice job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    88383

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry