Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blind Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 1009
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1114



    Description:
       This is one of the few poems I've written which is directed at a certain person (I forget who, or choose not to remember). It's also one of my less serious works, so, as always, feel free to smash it to pieces.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlind Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Youíll do all you can
    To try and avert your eyes
    But it doesnít change a thing
    Sinís still sin in disguise

    Use your legs to carry you
    To a far away land
    Maybe as the world moves on
    Youíll forget what you saw

    Youíll awake one morning
    To a new universe
    With no one but yourself
    To amuseÖ or abuse

    You can scream all you want
    Into the waves
    And let the clouds become
    Your therapists

    You can walk on the sky
    For as long as you like
    Perhaps sheíll hold out her arms
    And take you away

    But on that day you wonít recall
    The blood and sweat and tears
    All shed for the soul that forgets
    The years that were forced in a day

    I donít charity blind eyes
    Whose eyelids are closed
    Lies to never be untold
    Throw daggers at the truly impaired

    Yes, our differences bled
    From your eyes made of flint
    Because blood still looks red
    From behind a rose tint




    Submitted on 2006-01-21 21:27:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      God, that is gorgeous. You say "smash it to pieces" ...and then I'm ready to lol ... but I can't.
    I'm sorry I can't give you constructive criticism. I love this too much.
    The wording and descriptions are fan-f*cking-tastic.
    Normally, it would bother me if only the first and last stanzas rhymed (well, and some random parts in between), but I thought it worked well here.

    I guess the only thing I didn't really like was when you said "The blood and sweat and tears" but that's only because I hear it so often. Every other line is more original, you know? But then again, it fits perfectly... so I'm not really complaining.

    As I'm sure you've noticed, I enjoyed this.
    You have a lot of talent.


    Beautifully done
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful, absolutly. I cannot say how wonderful it does sound in words, but reading it is just wonderful. Thank you for your comment aswill.
    - <<~*Lexi*~>>-
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Tied2AHateSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this poem, it hit me as though i was the person you were talking about, and it made me feel guilty about how i'm seeing the world, the ending was great, you put into it a sort of twist, like the person couldn't see what she was doing, like she acted like the victum, but it was she who caused all the pain, this one is defentally one for my favs list, nothing i can really complain about it except these two lines. "Lies to never be untold
    Throw daggers at the truly impaired"
    thats the only part i didn't really understand,

    take care

    my pain
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by my pain | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey I thought that this was a pretty good write with not to much worth bashing. The last lines in stanzas 6 and 7 were a tad to long and threw off the cadence of the poem but I think that with a little revision those could be easily fixed, if you actually wanted to take the time to do that. I also did not really like stanza 5at all it almost seemed to light to agree with the rest of the poem.Other then that though I really liked the message of this piece.The fact that people do try and turn a blind eye to the bad things that they do not want to have to deal with is so true and that is really sad. Anyways I guess that is al that I have to saycuz I am getting really tired. Goodnight
    Rosh
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Rosh_5 | [ Reply to This ]
      Crap. I`ve seriously got to stop getting super-impatient and keep pressing the "Post this Critique" button- my apologies.



    -T o x i c R o s e
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Stanzas 1 through five = m e l i k e s. As for six, seven, and eight, though... your rhythms kind of threw me off, so that I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. Especially the 'charity' part- in fact, I still think that I don't really understand it. I like the 'sin's still sin in disguise' and 'blood still looks red from behind a rose tint' parts. . .

    Anyways, nice write... too bad I didn't have enough time to smash it, which I would have LOVED to do =]

    `Till then...

    -T o x i c R o s e
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Stanzas 1 through five = m e l i k e s. As for six, seven, and eight, though... your rhythms kind of threw me off, so that I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. Especially the 'charity' part- in fact, I still think that I don't really understand it. I like the 'sin's still sin in disguise' and 'blood still looks red from behind a rose tint' parts. . .

    Anyways, nice write... too bad I didn't have enough time to smash it, which I would have LOVED to do =]

    `Till then...

    -T o x i c R o s e
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Stanzas 1 through five = m e l i k e s. As for six, seven, and eight, though... your rhythms kind of threw me off, so that I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. Especially the 'charity' part- in fact, I still think that I don't really understand it. I like the 'sin's still sin in disguise' and 'blood still looks red from behind a rose tint' parts. . .

    Anyways, nice write... too bad I didn't have enough time to smash it, which I would have LOVED to do =]

    `Till then...

    -T o x i c R o s e
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    88384

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry