Description: This is one of the few poems I've written which is directed at a certain person (I forget who, or choose not to remember). It's also one of my less serious works, so, as always, feel free to smash it to pieces.
God, that is gorgeous. You say "smash it to pieces" ...and then I'm ready to lol ... but I can't. I'm sorry I can't give you constructive criticism. I love this too much. The wording and descriptions are fan-f*cking-tastic. Normally, it would bother me if only the first and last stanzas rhymed (well, and some random parts in between), but I thought it worked well here.
I guess the only thing I didn't really like was when you said "The blood and sweat and tears" but that's only because I hear it so often. Every other line is more original, you know? But then again, it fits perfectly... so I'm not really complaining.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I enjoyed this. You have a lot of talent.
This is beautiful, absolutly. I cannot say how wonderful it does sound in words, but reading it is just wonderful. Thank you for your comment aswill. - <<~*Lexi*~>>-
i really liked this poem, it hit me as though i was the person you were talking about, and it made me feel guilty about how i'm seeing the world, the ending was great, you put into it a sort of twist, like the person couldn't see what she was doing, like she acted like the victum, but it was she who caused all the pain, this one is defentally one for my favs list, nothing i can really complain about it except these two lines. "Lies to never be untold Throw daggers at the truly impaired" thats the only part i didn't really understand,
Hey I thought that this was a pretty good write with not to much worth bashing. The last lines in stanzas 6 and 7 were a tad to long and threw off the cadence of the poem but I think that with a little revision those could be easily fixed, if you actually wanted to take the time to do that. I also did not really like stanza 5at all it almost seemed to light to agree with the rest of the poem.Other then that though I really liked the message of this piece.The fact that people do try and turn a blind eye to the bad things that they do not want to have to deal with is so true and that is really sad. Anyways I guess that is al that I have to saycuz I am getting really tired. Goodnight Rosh
Stanzas 1 through five = m e l i k e s. As for six, seven, and eight, though... your rhythms kind of threw me off, so that I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. Especially the 'charity' part- in fact, I still think that I don't really understand it. I like the 'sin's still sin in disguise' and 'blood still looks red from behind a rose tint' parts. . .
Anyways, nice write... too bad I didn't have enough time to smash it, which I would have LOVED to do =]
Stanzas 1 through five = m e l i k e s. As for six, seven, and eight, though... your rhythms kind of threw me off, so that I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. Especially the 'charity' part- in fact, I still think that I don't really understand it. I like the 'sin's still sin in disguise' and 'blood still looks red from behind a rose tint' parts. . .
Anyways, nice write... too bad I didn't have enough time to smash it, which I would have LOVED to do =]
Stanzas 1 through five = m e l i k e s. As for six, seven, and eight, though... your rhythms kind of threw me off, so that I had to read it a couple of times to understand it. Especially the 'charity' part- in fact, I still think that I don't really understand it. I like the 'sin's still sin in disguise' and 'blood still looks red from behind a rose tint' parts. . .
Anyways, nice write... too bad I didn't have enough time to smash it, which I would have LOVED to do =]
Submission Name: Blind Eyes
