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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shopping Tripdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 680
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 589



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShopping Tripdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A trip to the mall
    is always a good
    choice when she
    is feeling low
    on self esteem.

    She doesn't mind
    the traffic or that all
    the near spaces
    are already taken.
    She is not bothered
    by the crowds

    Doors locked?
    yes
    Windows up?
    yes
    Lights off?
    yes
    Brake set?
    Yes

    Check them
    again
    and then
    let go.

    The dark corner
    of a parking lot
    is a good place
    to cry
    alone.




    Submitted on 2006-01-22 10:56:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hmm i like the way that it was worded...i dont drive or have a car but i felt like i did...the part where it asked about ...YES? i dont really understand but i love the ending...i dont why but i made me very sad when i read it i think it was great, the thing about a car is nice...(sorry if this is a "bad comment" its my first ever)
    | Posted on 2006-03-02 00:00:00 | by goomaster03 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there

    I thought this was an intriguing piece of poetry for sure...i like the twist, i too was lead to believe at first it was about OCD.

    I think maybe it could be a little longer, but that's just my humble opinion. As it stands it's still a good poem.
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      Chrystine
    In this write I felt that you were writing of someone in a battle with OCD
    Obcessive Compulsive Disorder
    This is a disiese that brings many to tears
    If you were not referring to this disiese please know this write fit perfectly with it
    Thank You for sharing this important write
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      nice twist in the end, I myself am fond of of the power punches at the end of poems,think you did a good job with this write, there was just the right touch of saddness in it keep tapping the keys am looking forwar to more writes
    adnil
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, you got me there! Didn't expect the punch line at all, as a matter of fact, i wondered where you were going to go...nicely done.

    Stanza two really emphasizes the "switched-off" feelings, as nothing worries her, even stuff that should, driving automaton-like.

    Just as a thought, I figured you could keep your "auto" theme going by having her tears mingle with the oil stains on the car park asphalt...or maybe not, it was just a thought that hit me.


    Really well done, I liked this a lot.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I was genuinly surprised at the twist of this piece as I suppose was intended. You did a very nice job of setting it up and I was touched by the sadness it envoked. Nothing to say about changing anything, it stands on it's own and it's brevity works well. I think my wife goes to the mall when she's not feeling well but instead of 'crying' she 'buying'. Nice work! Diamond Dan
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]


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