Description: I really love the message in this. However, I think it needs work. So please help me out and give suggestions, thoughts, anything is welcome.
Immortal Love -------------------------------------------
I walk below my midnight sky
Even the scent is intoxicating
The stars shine elegantly above me
Aiding the moon in illuminating
The ground I walk upon
This is my life
This is eternal
The endless night sky
And my immortal soul
The very meaning of love
Though the sun rips us apart
Every slow burning dawn
We endure and meet again
And the darkness welcomes me home
In its longing embrace
Even though sometimes I feel it
I am never truly alone
And the tears sting my eyes
As I reach toward the sky
I will never touch
It kills me to know
That I may never be able to give the night
As much solace as I recieve
I want to wipe away those starry tears
And the inability makes me scream inside
I hold the beauty of my blackened night
In my thoughts forever
Along with rancor toward the blinding day
Someday I will find a way to free my love
From the light that binds it
Til then, I will wait here
At every watercolor sunset
For you, my beautiful midnight
I will give you nothing less
I do blelieve dear Lilithe that this is my first comment to you m'dear. Tis a ode to the things youve done for me. I though am falling off course so let me presume. So, I would think that by reading it you know that your love is not going to be excepted by everyone (the light) so you feel that the only way to let your dark passion flow is to entomb it with the shadows of true freedome and feel love that is true once and for all.
a gorgeous metaphor indeed..to love with everything that something so beautiful seems to require, even though it may not noticeably always desire...everything, never seems to be half of what you wish you could give and agony awaits your strained limbs at the end of every dream, as you wake up and your thoughts collect and begin to imagine what it will be like next time, that next sweet lesson together, learning to be everything that is desired by the other...cause giving more than you have, to the same extent every chance you get, is what love should be about...nothing is more important...great writing...:)
For a moment, I thought the person who you were writing in the POV of was a Vampire, and she could only meet with her love at night, because Vampires cannot endure the sun... And then, as I read further, I then decided that it was about someones undying love for the night. I just reread it, and I'm trying to figure out how DeepDreamer2008 got virginity out of it.
"I will never touch"
I think it would flow better if you made "I" and "will" into the contraction "I'll." I reread the verse with that in place, and it sounded better to me. Might not, though. It could just be my personal opinion.
I love this poem, it's quite good. Hope you don't mind if I add it to my favourites. Thanks for that spectacular read.
This poem was very interesting. It was written very beautifully, with a strong thought and structure, and it had lots of great vocabulary, not with simple words, but with great big words, adjectives. Many adjectives. I love dit and I look forward to hearing some more words from you again. take care. This is going in my favs.
At first I thought you were talking about how much you loved someone, and you will always know that they love you. Then I thought you were talking about a dead love, who is separated from you and all you have is the memory of your love. Then I thought you were describing your love for someone that would never love you back. So, all in all, I'm really confused now. Your imagery was flawless. I saw everything quite clearly. I like it, but I don't comprehend it. (lol) -HaldirLives
Hmm.. this got me thinking. At first I thought you were describing your love for a man, and your longing for night because in the darkness you are free to lie with your loved one. Later on I decided this was your love for the night itself, and for darkness. Throughout the entire piece however I felt it was a paralysed person dictating the poem.
I'm upon the conclusion that it is not, but that thought remained in my mind through the whole piece. The message, I'm guessing, is that light binds your love, and only darkness can set it free, but the shadow of daylight stays in your heart stopping you every night from freeing your love.
Deciding this is a metaphor, I get the strange feeling that maybe you're talking about virginity. A bit far-fetched, but it fits in my imagination somehow. Then again, you could simply be describing your love of the night and I may be looking too deep to see the obvious.
Submission Name: Immortal Love
