Blissful Dark by giventofly

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Submission Name: Blissful Dark dots

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Author:	giventofly
ASL Info:	19/M/Seattle, Washington
Elite Ratio:	5.22 - 74/75/27
Words:	172

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	186
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1185

Description:
I wrote this poem a while ago, but have only recently got around to revising it (it sucked before). I don't quite know what to think of it now, so your honest feedback would be especially helpful with this piece. Thanks.

Blissful Dark dots

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Turning back, I see you there
Breathing in the stars.
Let it embrace you.
Don't cling to the sun.
Sleep until the evening dies.

I'll find you steeped in darkness deep,
And join you in its cradle.
Loving the insanity
That comes from knowing lies.
So kill, and resurrect me to blindness.

We lay awake amidst the trees.
We cannot understand it.
Climb out of last year
But revel in the sightless night
And wince in pain at the stinging sunrise.

All that we are is left in the veil,
We stand alone together.
What will you do?
Who will you cry to?
Convinced now this isn't lust?

Soaked to bone with dark filled night,
Silenced by the force,
Drink deep from its source,
Veins fuse as one.
How much longer 'til we’ve had enough?

We live in darkness found by few.
Can't see your hands,
Sky, or land
Still it's bliss.
As our particles burst apart,
We arrive at nowhere.
Nirvana’s got nothing on this.

Submitted on 2006-01-22 15:07:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Your allegory of saying since the night thinks it is not raping day thus in same sense you think you are not raping your lover.
I seemed to stumble when you said"Convinced now this isn't lust " then later you say,"-our particles burst apart, we arrive at nowhere." To me you aren't totally convinced you are not lustful.
Anyway, I have never been able to comprehend why 'making-out' seems to be better in the dark, To me that means trying to hide guilt.
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
  I was completely delighted. I reckoned this was a neatly dejecting piece which as strange as it may sound was encouraging. I dug the intensity of some lines or to be more accurate of most of them. I see the thinly concealed contradiction of the title and it reminds of some of pieces I've written myself in which I've done the same.

I had similar feeling to those you describe in your poem. I’m mindful of how joy can only be met sporadically and that the bliss or the everlasting comfort doesn't really exist. It may be meant for an elite group, to put that way. It's indeed unfair... in fact I'm kind of dubious at this moments as to whether sheer fulfilment can be in fact achieved or not. Every so often I feel as if I loathed my existence... but then again that is just me and my crappy universe LOL

On a different vein, I thought that the following line "Climb out of last year" was slightly annoying. I mean it’s such a common, every day sentence that in a way breaks the passion that you were trying to convey... you can’t really do that can you? It like anti climatic.

I did like the ending was quite brilliant as far as I'm concerned.

All in all, I loved this especially as to some of the language that was used.

Good luck

Kind regards,

Ethan.
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
  i realy liked this peice. at first i thought it jumped around to much untill i read the end, it seemed that the people in this poem were trying to go somewhere but where ever they went that place soon disappeared and somehow they stayed together. when it got to the end it all came together that they are always somewhere when they're together even when there is nothing. well thanks for the wonderfull beautiful poem.

brandon
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
  (Third paragraph) Purely because it'll make it sound a little more interesting try not to use the same beginning of a line twice in a row,

'We lay awake amidst the trees.
We cannot understand it.'

Apart from that I have no problems with it. Nice poem, aim for a little more originality. (A lot easier said than done).

| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]

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