We Belong Together 3 by Heat

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Submission Name: We Belong Together 3 dots

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Author:	Heat
ASL Info:	15/M/LA
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 44/58/15
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	240
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	495

Description:
This is the third installment of my We Belong Together series, penned on July 18, 2005. For my lover.

We Belong Together 3 dots

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It just took a moment for me to finally realize,
That our hearts are identical and the thoughts and feelings are the same.
My heart is yours,
Your heart is mine.
Love cannot lie,
And our compatibility is strong.
Baby, you are what my heart contains.
You are why Cupid struck me with an arrow.
We are unseparable,
Until death,
Liek Romeo and Juliet.
We belong together, baby.
You and me forever.

Submitted on 2006-01-22 15:28:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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||| Comments |||
  Heat,

I like it but there are a few things that need to be changed. Liek should be like. Unseparable should be inseparable. I agree with Ladylion on this point. Baby should not be used. Use a better words like, My Lady, My precious, or My eternity. You are what my heart contains should be you are what my heart cries for; you are what my heart seek, or you quench the thirst within my heart. Other than that, you put your heart into it and that is what counts.
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
  firstly, "baby" is the worst cliché you could possibly use for a poem. you don't need it so just cut it. secondly, "our compatibility is strong" ... it just doesn't work. i can't even describe why it doesn't work because it is such an awful line. how about "love cannot lie, and the feeling is too strong" and maybe instead of "you're what my heart contains" you can try something like "my heart calls for you, my mind dreams of you until i quake". i do like the cupid line. thirdly, a romeo and juliet allusion is not really where you want to go with a love poem about belonging together considering they killed themselves and that romeo and juliet isn't a romance, it is a tragedy. also it is so clichéd. the entire poem just doesn't flow. i agree that it is awkward and immature. also, "unseperable" isn't a word.
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Ladylion | [ Reply to This ]
  Good poem altogether. But I think the word "baby" is overused.

"That our hearts are identical and the thoughts and feelings are the same"

That line seems a little... I dunno, can't think of a word. Disorganized. Yes, disorganized. Too much in one sentence. Try making it simpler, maybe:

"Our hearts are identical; Thoughts and feelings are the same."

"Until death,
Liek Romeo and Juliet." (I assume you mean "like")
That line seems a bit of a cliché. Plus, I don't think that it's good to compare your love to Romeo and Juliet. Of course, they loved each other, but their love ended in tragedy.

| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
  heck dude before you post something please do us all a favour and check your grammar..! Aaaaanyways, this was not good. And I d like to find the person who would think otherwise. You can t expect us to praise something like this. No one can... I don t know, I guess the word that describes this poem is... "awkward"

..I know i wasn t nice or anything, i m not really in the mood... so if you re angry or something... find a poem of mine... and trash talk it until i cry! Later duude!
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by brunov68 | [ Reply to This ]
  I know you selected 'praise' as the type of feed back you wanted, but I will also mention a few things needing to be changed. There is no point getting comments if they don't help you to improve your work.

'Liek Romeo and Juliet'. I think you mean 'like' not 'liek'.

'That our hearts are identical and the thoughts and feelings are the same', with this line it might sound better if you took out the 'and the' e.g. 'That are hearts are identical, thoughts and feeling are the same'.

Aim for originality if you can next time. It'll make a poem more powerful.

Wonderfully written. The line 'You are why Cupid struck me with an arrow' is rather nice.

| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]

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