Touch by Heat

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Submission Name: Touch dots

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Author:	Heat
ASL Info:	15/M/LA
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 44/58/15
Words:	58

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	205
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	404

Description:
This poem was written on August 8, 2005. Written to express how a sensual touch on my body in a sexy way can turn me on. lol !

Touch

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Touch-
a sensation felt,
Bringing out an eccentric vibe.
Just a fingertip warm enough,
To drive me crazy,
Into the feeling of love.
The warmth that comes upon my body,
And it's not a regular touch.
It is a different kind,
One that has me shuddering,
One that brings out my inner romantic.
Just one light, passionate touch.

Submitted on 2006-01-22 16:28:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a pretty good poem. You have done a good job of describing the sensation of touch and how it effects you. I think if you focus more on the actual touch itself and describe the touch itself rather than just explain it, it would really enhance the significance of it. And also, if you use different words to describe things such as warmth, it would add more to the overall poem. You use warmth here twice and if you use something different the second time, it would give the reader more to grab here. I also think to many times you use the word touch. Since it is the title to your poem, you should stick with that word only once or at most twice. Use other words to describe touch and you will offer a bit more variety with less repetitiveness which will allow the reader to relate to this in more ways. Not bad, but could be better with a few changes. Of course, it is just my opinion. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  this one is good I do like how the lines connect to each other. If they were separate then second line would be more of something plain but it’s not. It all goes together nicely. you could do something with “drive me crazy” if you want, but in all honesty I do like some clichés myself others wouldn’t, hell others make up new language expressions just to avoid them so I would rather someone be more sensible than original. Now it does read very well through this until line 11 I one and one again hmm sometimes you don't have to be repetitive. unless you are making cutesy side symbols like one and one is two haha I would drop the other “one” now other than that there is one tiny other suggestion to this piece I would add one more line to read this at the end: “is all I ask.” That would be a nice way to end it. If you want to make it cute and funny then you could do this:

Just one light, passionate touch,
or two or three……
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  had a nice touch to the touch no pun intended,you did a good of exspessing how a touch can be so sensuous keep up the good works if you have time read a few of mine
adnil
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah yes, the intimate touch

"One that has me shuddering,
One that brings out my inner romantic."

Usually I don't mind it when two lines in a row start with the same line, but this is not the case. Maybe try...

"One that has me shuddering
And brings out my inner romantic."

Heh, this poem made me feel all warm and tingly.
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
  I have a miserable time writing these kind of pieces. My best attempt was "Teddy Bear Dreams" and it pales in comparision to yours.

They say that critics are nothing more than fialed artists, so maybe I should don my critic's hat. For my money, Lorna (lmz) is the queen of these kind of pieces. She recently wrote one titled "Your Touch", so I was able to compare the two directly. You should check out her work, as well.

Yours stands up pretty well. The almost "half-finished" feel to most of the sentences communicates what you want, but it creates the feeling that the speaker is focused elsewhere, on the building passion. I like that effect a lot.

One effect Lorna uses a lot is to gradually shorten the lines toward the bottom of the poem. That seems to build thr readers pace, which is one way to increase the excitement.

I liked this piece a lot.

Thanks for sharing,
Steve
| Posted on 2006-02-23 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]

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