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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Little Train Driverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: josymanthegreat
    ASL Info:    21/m/GA from Puerto Rico
    Elite Ratio:    4.73 - 337/364/104
    Words: 237
    Class/Type: Story/Childrens
    Total Views: 655
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1201



    Description:
       First attempt at a children's story. What can I say? I think about the little ones.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Little Train Driverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once upon a time, there was a bear named Joe and he sat on the plains everyday waiting for the train to pass by. He would sit there and wait and wait and wait some more until the train finally drove by. He had one dream; to become a train driver. One day as he was watching the train, it stopped and the driver asked if Joe wanted to come along. Joe quickly jumped up happily running to the train. From that day on the little bear learned all about driving the train. Then the day came when the train driver let Joe drive the train. Joe jumped of exitement and started the trip. Halfway there he found a little bunny named Carl. Carl needed help because someone had took all his carrots, so he asked Joe for help. Joe said that he could come along and so they left on a trip to find Carl's missing carrots. When they stopped at the station, Carl and Joe got out and started looking for the carrots. They were no where to be found. Carl looked sad but Joe cheered him up by letting him blow the horn on the train. Finally they came to the last stop and found a sack full of carrots. Carl and Joe jumped in the air happily and smiled at each other. Joe had saved the day and became a train driver.




    Submitted on 2006-01-22 18:15:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hee hee!This little story is really very cute and put a smile on my face this morning. A very simple, easy to read and understand kind of write that is just perfect for children to read and enjoy. Perhaps even adults, as I enjoyed reading this one too! These last couple of posts are a bit different from what I have read from you in the past and I am happy to see you experimenting with new styles of writing. You are growing as a writer. Nice work. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww that's so cute.
    It might seem weird, but the end actually made me smile.
    lol I feel like I'm five.
    I love it.
    If I had kids, I would definitely read it to them.
    I have to go now cause these pop-ups are driving me nuts. Yikes.
    Anyways, as always,
    Great Job
    You're awesome

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      "Toot, toot... toot, toot... toot, toot!

    Forgive me, but I was going to leave a tripped on acid like comment, but then I read your description and realized this actually was a children's story, not just some hidden meaning stuff, that I couldn't find no matter how many times I counted the bunny. :D

    Ok, enough of my smartass remarks. Onward to the comments!

    This is actually a quite sweet children's story. And good, not one of those, oh everything goes perfectly right away.

    No first they couldn't find the carrots. But then they figured out how to be happy by taking part in the simple joy of blowing the train's horn.

    But then the carrots ended up there after all, and they learned that patience does pay off.

    I just read my comment over and realized how sad it is that I'm analyzing into a children's story. So I'll just stop with saying: it's a good story!
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
      lol, a wonderful story for children. It's nice to know someone thinks about them. My advice would be to cut it up. They're kids, they're just learning to read; a page-full of words might just scare them into illiteracy.

    Another point is that you've used "train" far too much. Try some synnonyms (e.g. "engine"). Line four, I say replace the semi-colon with a colon. More grammatically efficient. Line eight, "Joe jumped of excitement" there's a mistake there somewhere, it isn't right to say that.

    In all, it was a nice change from the every-day depressing poems describing life in many different ways. Maybe we could all learn a good lesson from Joe the little train driver.

    Good day,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    88491

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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