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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Remedy: PROLOGUEdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Metauru
    ASL Info:    14/f/neverland
    Elite Ratio:    0.01 - 0/2/1
    Words: 512
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 202
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2973



    Description:
       A religious/sci-fi/romance novel to shake the ages... hopefully...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Remedy: PROLOGUEdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Prologue
    To her left was the heart monitor, counting her strangely irregular heartbeats that had started to occur when the illness had struck her so suddenly. No one had heard of anything like what she was going through, and-if this were to continue-could be deadly.
    To her right was the doctor, trying to add up all of the symptoms to make up the simple equation of her illness. He carefully touched the wrist of her right hand and looked at the many scars that had formed mysteriously. At least several drops of red liquid that protruded from each scar had smeared across the doctor’s gloves.
    On her mouth was the respirator, helping her maintain her steady breathing, but as time wore on, her breathing became a slow, monotonous waltz, dancing around the walls of the large emergency room.
    There wasn’t much chance for her to live.
    Her fingers moved gently under the weight of what laid over them. Another set of fingers caressed her still hand. Syke, no matter how many times the doctor ordered him to leave the room, wouldn’t let go of her hand. He laughed a little under his breath. He barely knew this girl, but felt that if he had left her side, she would take her last breath and leave this world. He thought of himself as the only thing that could call her back from the light.
    Syke squeezed her hand tightly and softly whispered into her ear, somehow smiling during his forlorn state:
    “Hey... You know you want to stay, Natsuki. I promise that if you live…”
    Syke never finished his sentence. By then, his false bravado had completely left him in the rain that was about to come. He gently moved his hand to her wrist, ignoring the blood that stained the cuff of his school uniform.
    He moved his free hand and inched it shakily toward her cheek. “Natsuki…” He wisped his voice so quietly that he almost couldn’t hear himself speak her name.
    “We still haven’t found anything on the illness, doctor.” The nurse talked as fast as she had entered, end exited the same way. The doctor shook his head and continued to look at the heart monitor screen which made spontaneous jerks up and down the lines. “I believe we’ve done all we can do,” the doctor murmured under his surgical mask. Then he slowly turned around to face the silent Syke. “ I believe that you should leave, Mr. S-”
    Syke failed to hear the doctor’s latest complaint. He was too busy keeping his arms around Natsuki. His head laid on her neck and he sat on the edge of his chair.
    For the first time ever in his life, a river of tears washed over Syke’s face. The river flooded down his chin and sifted down Natsuki’s neck. “Please, wake up, Natsuki. Please, wake up…”
    Natsuki’s breath became slower and shorter; her wrists bled more and more blood. But, slowly and surely, Natsuki’s eyes slowly opened.




    Submitted on 2006-01-22 20:10:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A very good start with this; I'd like to see how it continues. But I'd like to see more telling and less showing. Put us in that hospital room with smells and sounds and visuals. Sensory details will add to the already compelling emotional tone you've set.

    Don't be too upset that I say that. You're young and make the same mistakes most young writers make. I really like the way this starts and Natsuki's illness is intriguing, especially when she opens her eyes despite bleeding.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      one word: MORE!!! who are these people and what the [censored] is going on? way to hook the reader!! i expect to read more or i will hunt you down and kill you.... and by kill i mean hump..... GREAT WORK MR METAURU!!!!!
    Milkshakes and Mesculine
    :)(:
    Ang
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by m with two i_s | [ Reply to This ]



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