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    dots Submission Name: A Grand Slumberdots

    Author: Jester_Gesture
    ASL Info:    23/f
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 365/459/201
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1118
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1222

       A bit long for this new... connection. And technically it is not new but rather a fire rekindled. Anyway. Just another autobiographical poem from this poet. For Devon. <3

    (the 'sea after a storm' part... I had to put that in there... because he and I are the king and queen of romantic clichés. i swear.)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Grand Slumberdots

    I was asleep. And oh,
    what a grand slumber it was.
    He whispered with that slight smile,
    "Dream of us, twenty years from now."
    And I smiled into that dream,
    and he kissed that smile,
    and that dream kissed my sleep.

    A sound startled the house,
    and he cautioned me. I awoke.
    The blankets tucked gently around me,
    his face hovered over mine.
    "Should I say it now?" he asked,
    with that whisper that spoke of a smile
    I could not see with tired eyes.
    He had once before mentioned
    saying that word. He had said, "I won't
    say it, but I do. I really do."

    I could not answer, though I attempted.
    I stared up into his eyes, (like the sea
    after a storm) and I, squinting, was silent.
    I nearly replied, "Only if you want to."
    Repeatedly the phrase came to mind
    but stopped at my lips and I
    felt my breath catch.

    It was like a dream. A tired dream.
    He kissed me and said softly,
    "Go back to sleep." A waking dream
    in which all my twilight dreams
    come true.

    Submitted on 2006-01-22 20:13:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this poem is pure beauty. I can't say enough how it made me feel that spark of love, that true connection. very well done, and the added fact of a documented moment which u captured so well, says alot.

    | Posted on 2006-02-13 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]
      This was absolutely beautiful! I really liked it a lot! It reminded me of me and my girlfriend in a way. I really liked the first stanza: "... And I smiled into that dream, and he kissed that smile, and that dream kissed my sleep." I honestly can't say anything negative about this poem. Keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Midnight_Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Really beautiful! I loved the first stanza, the way the phrase kept turning. But I HATE that he didn't say it!

    Having read the "description" ahead of time, your "sea after a storm" line made me smile. Very cute.
    | Posted on 2006-02-20 00:00:00 | by Amelit | [ Reply to This ]
      It feels really strong riiiight up until that last stanza. I like how you're bring it back to the dream again, but something with your current phrasing makes the poem end weakly, rather than tying it all up. Maybe it's that you say "dream" three times there? Maybe just some subtle changes to a few of the words will get the effect (I think) you're looking for.

    All in all, as sappy love poems go, I really like this one... good imagery (esp. considering it's being told from the point of view of a very sleepy and not completely coherent speaker!). There are still a few places you might want to tweak (e.g., "he cautioned me") or words you might want to reconsider (there are only so many times you can say "tired" without it getting, well, tiring...).
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by bitterlily | [ Reply to This ]
      Needless to say, it is an amazing poem. The opening stanza is awesome. Stuff like this gets published. And I'm really glad you're happy again. You deserve all the happiness you ever feel.
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Aaron Felix | [ Reply to This ]

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