Shiver by jaycee

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Submission Name: Shiver dots

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Author:	jaycee
ASL Info:	36/F/ Texas
Elite Ratio:	4.84 - 2397/1162/153
Words:	138

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	335
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1009

Description:
tell me what you think..I'm not sure about the refrain line... too much? Edited 2/1/06

Shiver

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Passion flares in your eyes
with a savage heat,
paralyzing in it's intensity,
and a shiver runs through me.

Your dark features
appear satirical in the shadows,
dark, rugged, yet oh so familiar
and a shiver runs up my spine.

Expensive cologne mingles
with the sent of whiskey
and male aggression,
and a shiver runs through me.

Gripping my neck,
lips meet in fierce possession
giving no quarter
and I shudder in your arms.

Bodies come together
in a fevered thrust
head pulled back by hair,
and a shiver runs through me.

Primal emotion surges
through the soul,
quenching the body,
and shivers engulf us,both.

Passion cools;
roughness turns to a caress
softness enters your eyes
as you whisper "I love you"

and a shiver runs through me.

Submitted on 2006-01-22 23:44:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Ooooh...I think I need to be alone now!

Very, very good job. This is incredibly sensual.
| Posted on 2006-10-11 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! It's not very often that I read poems about this "forbidden subject". You've done a great job! The repitition in the "shiver" line could be fixed a bit, maybe with a few more words the same... But over all, great piece!

<3
Andrea
| Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by T.O.S.R. | [ Reply to This ]
  A very honest and open poem. The words make the scene very real and almost what you would see in a movie (that was a compliment) Well done
| Posted on 2006-02-10 00:00:00 | by BrokenStream | [ Reply to This ]
  Holy...wow...Definitely a fave.

I never felt this way until I met my boyfriend, and then he left me. I hope he comes back...I still believe in us...

But anyway. This was a WONDERFUL piece of work and absolutely astounded me. I see no improvment needed here, dear writer. Exceptional, glorious work.
| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow... I think that was a little to much for my young mind... just wow... I am speechless and don't know what to so say... I mean honestly, that was the best write I've seen in months on ES... So, thank you for that brief moment in reality and the such, I wouldn't change a thing on this. Oh yeah and I'm adding it to my Fav's List. THNX

- Nammy
| Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very good poem. The passion here is very well expressed and your word choices throughout this is really intense. You allow the reader to feel your shiver as they read. And I must say I really like the ending here. You take us through some really passionate moments with aggression and primal sex kinda stuff and then the softness and love emerges at the end and both bring about the shiver. I like that. I think if anything, you could be a little more diverse with the final line of each stanza, just to add a little something new to it instead of just using the same line, but it is still a very good passion poem. Nice work. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm shivering! That was very in the wonderful heat of the moment! Like you say - it's a primal urge and sometimes it's primally taken and filled. This was great - maybe I'll go have a smoke! he he he
Love,Peace,Joy&Smilez 2 share
tif
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, it sure tells it like it is, I like it a lot.

As for the refrain...I guess it could bug you a bit, would you consider small changes such as
"and a shiver runs through me."
"you send shivers through me"
"and shivers engulf me"

sort of the same thing, but said slightly different each time...just a thought.

Very nice indeed

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this one- It makes me blush- I couldnt write about something like this if I wanted to- LOL- *sings "Memories" by Barbra Streisand* I especially liked the parts about the paralyzing passionate stares and the cologne mingling with whiskey and (horomones) too- very descriptive- almost makes you feel as if you're there- no wait- thats too weird- well- its great and I liked it alot- very well done- Bonnie
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by delusional | [ Reply to This ]
  I am not quite sure about the repetition you used. Hmmm...I know its an excellent way to end the 1st and last stanzas...especially the last one. Maybe insert different emotions/words instead of 'shiver' in the other stanzas, ya know? Quivver, shudder...I dunno...just a suggestion.

Very nice and descriptive though. Thanks for sharing!.

| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the rawness of the poem. The words grip you in a primal animalistic way that is completely fitting to the primal scene that the poem portrays. Great work.
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]
  that is [censored] awesome!!! i love your words and they way it all culmiates. i feel your words, if that makes sense. it stirs images in my head that are sickeningly familiar. i have a question, does he tell you he loves you back? any way, great work, keep it up :) (sorry i'm no good at commenting)
Milkshakes and Mesculine
:)(:
Ang
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by m with two i_s | [ Reply to This ]
  ...And a shiver runs through ME! This is fantastic. I disagree with everyone on the repetition thing, you knew what you were doing. I think it's perfect the way it is. I love the beginning, the middle, but most of all, the end. This is fabulous, and I am oh, so very glad that I took the time to read it!
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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