BLACK EYELINER by disturbedx1000

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Submission Name: BLACK EYELINER dots

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Author:	disturbedx1000
ASL Info:	21/m/ny
Elite Ratio:	3.72 - 204/316/119
Words:	146

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	169
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	927

Description:
idk i'm kinda a freak in a way, i'm not gothis but i do sometimes wear eye liner just to see others reactions, i don't do it for attention as most people think i just do it because it's diffrent and i like to be diffrent, also the stares are great when i just get to see peoples reations to my eyes, some people seem afraid and some angry. i don't know why it pisses them off but it's fun all the same. well enjoy

BLACK EYELINER dots

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Today I wear it upon my face,
Not to show my disgrace,
But to see what everyone will do,
Who will comment; will you?

I don't really care,
If you look away or stare,
I’ll just give a creepy smile,
And just laugh all the while,

The black lines run thick,
Some people think I’m sick,
Really I am so they say,
As they wonder why I wear it this day,

I see them gossiping outside the halls,
Their voices within these walls,
Can’t be covered by silent sounds,
For the shadows are my grounds,

They stare with fright,
From this I take delight,
Freaked out by what they see,
As I take pleaser as they stare at me,

They think I’m mean,
To what they've seen,
They tell me to be nicer,
Come on its just black eye liner...

Submitted on 2006-01-23 07:07:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  well i think you did great. It really is true what you say, it is just black eye liner. i wear it too and i love peoplese reactions, i thin kmy favorite one was about a month ago, i was walking down the hall, this day i had done some Turbonegro style designs and i thought i looked ing ous>:) but anyway, i walked into my english class and my teacher looks at me looks at the class and shouts, Daigona if you don't wash that horrible gunk of your face right now i wil have you expelled for good. and do you know what i did? i looked at her, smiled told her to stick it up her ass, and then i walked out. I didin't get expelled of course because you can't do that, but it was ing hilarious you should have heard the laughter, it's what i live for, to make people laugh and or gag.

good write,
Dai
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Daigonarigormor | [ Reply to This ]
  well, doesnt this beat all. everyone else pretty much took everything i was going to say lol.

dont be ashamed to wear eyeliner, its not a bad thing. i wear it sometimes and nobody gives me a hard time about it. the eyeliner really shows off my eyes, which are like a baby blue color. if ya wanna be different, by all means do it lol nobodys stopping ya. quite a provocative read, especially for ones in a similar situation.

JD
| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by xeternalshadowx | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, everyone before me pretty much said it all.
But I did enjoy this,
its amazing how different really scares people. If they dont understand it then they dont like it.
It makes you just want to go up & give them a slap in the face & say 'LOOK!'.

We tend to put everything & everyone into groups. That is something that I have tried hard to break, we look at someone & put them into a group & by that we either look at them or dont. Or whatever.
Its sad how this world works-- how the way you look effects so much of what people think of you.
This was a good point, you really did a good job of writting down what its like.
Simple but effective.
take care
~jennifer
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
  One of the guys who lockers beside me wears eyeliner all of the time. He wears more make up than all of my friends... Combined. But it looks so good. He's gorgeous.

"Today I wear it upon my face,
Not to show my disgrace,
But to see what everyone will do,
Who will comment; will you?"
The last line there could probably use another syllable. Easier said than done though, right?

Maybe try...
"Today I wear it upon my face,
Not to show my disgrace,
But to see what everyone will do,
Who will comment; will it be you?"

"Really I am so they say,
As they wonder why I wear it this day,"
Maybe try...
"Really, I am, or so they say,"
They wonder why I wear it today"

"They tell me to be nicer,
Come on its just black eye liner..."
Kind of ruins the rhyming scheme. If you keep it this way, try adding a comma after "Come on."
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by DrunkOnShadows | [ Reply to This ]
  Black eyeliner, I want to say that some guys can pull that off very good and look kick arse with black eyeliner on, sadly I am not one of those.

Now as far as rhyming here it is almost flawless. I shall go stanza by stanza a give a commentary for each one.

s1: now I see in the stanza you have a reason which doesn’t seem like the best one to get reactions as said in line 3 “but to see what everyone will do” I would think there has to be more than that to compel someone to wear it, but hey if that is it than more power to you.

st2: now here you give the different reactions which are staring, avoidance of eye contact, creepy smiles, or laughter. What makes it all ineffective is what is put in line 1 not caring how they react. That presents a little paradox in the write especially what is written in stanza 1 verse 3. I take that as being conflicted, you want reactions yet you do not care what those reactions are. That makes it puzzling as leads me to think there is more to this. But worry not I am the most conflicted baaastad alive so as far as that really take it with a grain.

st3: now in this stanza, I like the third line, that sounds sarcastic to me and I do like that from time to time.

st4: “silent sounds” doesn’t work well. It could be true in a matter of fact sort of way but you need some degree of sound, if there is no sound at all it would be silence. You might want to add some designation of sound there like “whispered” or better yet “lowered” you could even try “ambient” I do like the shadows are my grounds. “Ground” meaning cause/valid reason or place one takes root in.

st5: more confliction here now it is becoming cool, I like people this conflicted within themselves it means to me they are fighting/in turmoil. Here it directly goes against the “I don’t care” aspect given way earlier in the write. When deep down maybe some reactions the person does enjoy that being fear. I must admit that it all depends one where I see the individual anywhere in a city forget about it doesn’t faze me but if I’m out in the woods camping and some phucker walks by looking like the damn crow I am crapping my pants haha.

st6: this last stanza need some work “nicer” and “liner” doesn’t work well, perhaps you can try “finer” or maybe “designer”

cool poem, some technicalities but nothing that can’t be fixed. Well done,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey,

This is quite interesting. I never met a guy yet who wears eye liner...so ur the first.
Usually to me, an eyeliner is used to highlight the true beauty of my eyes...whether they are or not...or to cover up the true paleness of my face...basically to give it a distinct look and that's all the cosmetics i need to use.

In your case, you either just wanna freak people out or just wanna see what they gonna say if you try something different that many people will not dare to do. so okay, you want to look different.

In terms of the poem, I really don't see the message behind what you are trying to achieve. There are idea, yes, but it's not linked to one another. It's just all over the place. You use stanzas but i don't see any completion of ideas in every one of them.

What i would of done to make this piece better is to rearrange my thoughts into what i want to say...Like:
The first thing i think about when i decide to put the eyeliner on,
how do i look after i put the eyeliner on,
The reaction on the street, how it makes me feel,
the reaction at school and how it makes me feel,
and finally the reason behind it although it's just an eyeliner.

I don't know, i would of put it like that. Poetry is about emotions and structure. Without the emotions, words cannot come out and without the structure, the interpretation comes out wrong.

But overall, i think you've created something original and interesting to read.
Anyhow, take care...
Irina
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I'm here to comment. I don't know what freaks them out; eye-liner is the first piece of makeup I decide to put on if any (I usually wear none). It's pretty cool as long as there isn't too much actually.

Down to the poem: I know you've put more care into what you were saying than the form it was presented in, but this poem needs some major revision. The rhythm is way off in some places. E.g:

"Today I wear it upon my face,
Not to show my disgrace,
But to see what everyone will do,
Who will comment; will you?"

would sound much smoother if it were:

"Today it's there upon my face
Not to plea for my disgrace
But to see what people do
Who shall comment; will you?"

Not the smoothest, but just an example to make the piece flow. You've got a good message going, why not send it in a fancy envelope so people think twice about criticising?

Just some advice,

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Cool. I like black eyeliner. It looks cool on guys.
I think your rhythm could do with some work. Expecially on these lines,

'Really I am so they say,
As they wonder why I wear it this day,'

You should either shortern the second line or lengthen the first.

| Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]

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