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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Slaughtered Innocencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Drain_my_Blood
    ASL Info:    16 Female Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 69/90/25
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1041
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 738



    Description:
       When I write, I write to not only express my feelings but express those of someone else who can't seem to let go, whos bottling their emotions. Every child holds their innocence but when its taken unwillingly, I've always come to the conclusion that when someone unwanting to lose themselves is taken somewhere an angel falls.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSlaughtered Innocencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Every tear I shed...
    Brings me closer to my last breath.
    Who was there to mourn the Angel,
    That had fallen to her death?
    Others took her innocence,
    So she learned to lie.
    The Angelic child is gone now,
    I'm sorry... I had to let her die.
    Society tainted her heart,
    The true reality her mind.
    Sweet pureness is gone,
    It's her childhood he stole.
    Hatred corrupted her love,
    'Til all she felt was pain.
    Every time an Angel cries,
    Their tears become our rain.
    Fallen Angel open your eyes.
    Can you feel Heaven's tears?
    They cry for all lost souls...
    But their cries, no one hears...




    Submitted on 2006-01-23 12:36:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I gave this a fairly high rating. It's not the best but it's entertaining. I think there are some redundancies you could have avoided like the double-usage of tears almost two lines apart, as well as some syllable fixage and a part in the middle where the rhythm seemed to be thrown off by a lack of rhyme. However, I will give you that you came up with a pretty sweet phrase:

    Hatred corrupted her love,
    'Til all she felt was pain.
    Every time an Angel cries,
    Their tears become our rain.


    I'll give you that and that bumped my rating up a little higher. Mostly because I have an avid, if not sickly, fascination with angels.
    | Posted on 2007-04-05 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. I met a young woman this year who I was "bottled" as you say. She never said what had happened to her explicitly, but related that her innocence was lost by exposure to evil at an early age. It was very moving and inspired my posting Sad Eyes, glad Eyes (and a few others I've yet to post). Someone else, very close to me was raped in her youth, and nearly took her own life following the event, but has lived to be an enormously strong person and benefactor to many.
    Your verse would read easier in stanzas - though many of the thoughts and feelings are clear as is. Some are not to me. Who is blamed explicitly for the Angel's death? society? reality? "he"- (the thief),hatred?
    The strongest part for me began with "All she felt was pain... and through to the finish. You seemed to hit the zone in those seven lines with good cadance, and rhyme.
    | Posted on 2006-11-17 00:00:00 | by Beekeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      wow..this poem is so sad...but i liked it a lot.

    it has a lot of depth and emotion to it and it definitely gets that sad, sense of desparation and hopelessness across. this was great!

    um question though. im not sure if i have this right but this is how i am perceiving this...are you talking about how a little girl got raped??

    anyways. i love the idea, although it is a sad one at that, it is beautiful how you incorporated angels into this piece.

    i like where you talked about when an angel cries it's rain to us on earth.

    one suggestion though...maybe you could break this off in to stanzas..it might be a little easier for the reader to read and comprehend and possibly help it along with the flow but other than that beatuiful piece!
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by vintagepepper | [ Reply to This ]
      awww...so sad...I really dont know what else to say, it took my words away.

    Well, i was going to try and find my favorite part, but Id have to copy the whole poem for that lol:P

    I like the comparison to fallen angels, that was...awesome. To compare such a tragedy with something so angelic...I say tragedy because I picture rape...yeah...I liked it alot...

    ->Dark Angel
    | Posted on 2006-02-27 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesome flow and use of words. very emotional and really speaks to the reader. you really know how to move the reader emotionally. I love the opening line

    "Every tear I shed...
    Brings me closer to my last breath.
    Who was there to mourn the Angel,
    That had fallen to her death?"

    that flow is just what im looking for in my edited "Chemical Nightmare" except without the rhyming which is why its so hard. but i love this poetry. Keep up the good work.

    from a fellow poet
    Harmageddon
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by Harmageddon | [ Reply to This ]
      I had to read it over a couple times to get it cause i'm kinda slow but from wat i got, i liked it. you could totally feel the emotion, the pain and sadness in this one. and it wasn't cheesy either. really deep too and thought provoking. the imagery at the end was really good. I especially like these lines,

    "Fallen Angel open your eyes.
    Can you feel Heaven's tears?
    They cry for all lost souls...
    But their cries, no one hears..."

    For me the first three lines here feel like really hopeful, like a glimmer of light at the end of a tunnel and then the last line just chokes out that that light and replaces it with depressing darkness. I love those lines, great job overall, but its those lines that I really like.
    | Posted on 2006-02-21 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      Good poem, it's a very emotional piece. It sounds like you're describing your life as an outcast maybe. The title could use some work, but all and all it's a good write.
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      This is deep. It sounds like you are writting in third person, but at the same time with the emotions flowing through this it seems you are also trying to tell a story about yourself through the 3rd person. This is a very gifted and from my point of view, mildly morbid work, which both contribute to it's greatness. I cannot say I can relate and be honest about it, but I like it non the less. Whether or not I can relate, I can still understand. The reference to the tears of the angels I really like, it reminds me of days gone by.

    This was really good, and I think you are a very talented young writer. Keep it up!
    ~Rob~
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
      How many times Ive thought on this and couldnt word it.You stole my poetic hearts thought and quest.Oh well..I no longer have to sit on it cause here it is.
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by nosferotu_gurl | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice write. This was pretty deep. Almost too deep for me t be able to comment on. WOW. Seemed very original, and I encourage you to keep writing...because your words have great potential.!
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by MC-Chillz | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this was a good write i liked it alot. I have seen many poems with the name fallen anfel on this site alone come uop with some origionality on the names. I know it can be hard but. Other than the name the poem s a great write keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Demon__666 | [ Reply to This ]
      The metaphor for the angel was powerful and moving. You lost some of that when you moved into simply talking about the child. All your strongest lines came from the Angel:

    "Who was there to mourn the Angel,
    That had fallen to her death?"

    That is provoking and yet softly melancholy. You are a good poet, just stick to your strengths, and avoid unnecessary punctuation ;)
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Lily George | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,

    Good write. It si realy deep and full of great emotion. The flow works great too. I ove the line about angel tears.

    *Let it Flow*
    Raven
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Silent_Tears | [ Reply to This ]


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