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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Washed awaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: delusional
    ASL Info:    42
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 75/98/18
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 785
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 487



    Description:
       Cant shake this thing- I just keep coming back for more- somebody slap me! Well, not really- maybe just check my punctuation... thanks..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWashed awaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're an island in churning waters;
    see me washed upon your shores,
    though nothing there will sustain me-
    I'll be sailing there once more.

    A dream of you- built on the sand
    was never meant to last...
    a memory now washed away
    into the oceans of my past.

    You flow to me, now and again
    through the rivers in my mind...
    corsing rapids search endlessly
    for a love they'll never find.




    Submitted on 2006-01-23 14:27:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Welcome to the site delusional (I love that pen name lol)

    I quite like this because even though it has the potential to be cliché, you have enough origunality here that saves it and the marooned-on-an-island theme and imagery was adhered to throughout , making for a pleasant smooth read. The first stanza makes it clear that your landing on the island was accidental, and that you find this place attractive, enticing-even though this destination was not charted by you yourself. I liked that whole concept, and though someone has said this piece is too short, I disagree. I like the open-endedness of each stanza, -it leaves room to for the reader to meander about in his own thoughts. Here I thought about the nature of chance meetings, and how really nothing happens by chance, and how every little event each day gets woven into the distinct fabric that makes up an individual life.

    I liked the lines
    "though nothing there will sustain me-
    I'll be sailing there once more.
    "

    -but I might suggest changing there to here to keep the tense compatibel with the present "see me-" You are saying , "hey, I kinda like it HERE, and I will come back sometime"

    In the second stanz, I think you should use a comma (if anything) rather than a dash in the first line ["A dream of you, built on the sand"]

    I liked the wistful loging and the allusion to the temporal nature of sandcastles as similar to the sometimes fleeting nature of romantic love.

    The last stanza continues the water imagery and i really liked the word "coursing" (check spelling though). I felt endlessly was too many syllables for that penultimate line, and that it bordered too close to the cliché of "endless sea" I pfaffed with it a bit, as well as changed "a love" to "the love"-just to be ornery (-no, just because I thought it worked better.

    "You flow to me, now and again
    through the rivers in my mind...
    coursing rapids ceaseless search
    for the love they'll never find.
    "


    At any rate, it is your poem and a good one at that. I hope you don't mind my suggestions, -I only do that when to poems i really like and want to see shine even more.
    Silver
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I see Lady Phantom has gotten here first so I have little to add to her technical notes. I liked this very much because of the water/emotion theme which always strikes a chord with me and you emploied it deftly here.

    The flow is very nice for the most part (a requisit for shuch imagry) though the tense change at the end jostled my brain a bit.

    Jason
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      well...I think that Jimmy Should get the slap for not putting warning lables about the addictiveness of this site on the front page.
    Our dar Phantom has given you a wonderful critique and suggestions.
    I enjoy the smoothe delivery and flow of your writing and think your poetry will be a great addition to the site.
    jan
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      that's beautiful, i love the words and the way you wrote it! it's written really well becasue all the stanzas are beautiful not just one better then the others which I find quite often. it's also pretty neat how it can relate to different people in different ways. It's a kind of poem theat makes someone remember something or refelct on past times they felt like this.
    thankyou,
    char
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by ohgpanic | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you need a pat on the back, rather than a slap. This is really nice. It's short, but I think it works really well that way, because it leaves room for the reader to fill in teir own pieces. You've given them the ground work and now they just have to use their imaginations. Good work.

    Cheers,
    Azael
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Anticlownperson | [ Reply to This ]
      *slap*
    *slap*

    Its too short. But maybe thats the point of it? It just seemed to end too soon. Check punctuation? Whoo-hooo!
    The first word is spelled wrong, you're

    Other than that, I liked the structure of it. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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