Welcome to the site delusional (I love that pen name lol)
I quite like this because even though it has the potential to be cliché, you have enough origunality here that saves it and the marooned-on-an-island theme and imagery was adhered to throughout , making for a pleasant smooth read. The first stanza makes it clear that your landing on the island was accidental, and that you find this place attractive, enticing-even though this destination was not charted by you yourself. I liked that whole concept, and though someone has said this piece is too short, I disagree. I like the open-endedness of each stanza, -it leaves room to for the reader to meander about in his own thoughts. Here I thought about the nature of chance meetings, and how really nothing happens by chance, and how every little event each day gets woven into the distinct fabric that makes up an individual life.
I liked the lines "though nothing there will sustain me- I'll be sailing there once more."
-but I might suggest changing there to here to keep the tense compatibel with the present "see me-" You are saying , "hey, I kinda like it HERE, and I will come back sometime"
In the second stanz, I think you should use a comma (if anything) rather than a dash in the first line ["A dream of you, built on the sand"]
I liked the wistful loging and the allusion to the temporal nature of sandcastles as similar to the sometimes fleeting nature of romantic love.
The last stanza continues the water imagery and i really liked the word "coursing" (check spelling though). I felt endlessly was too many syllables for that penultimate line, and that it bordered too close to the cliché of "endless sea" I pfaffed with it a bit, as well as changed "a love" to "the love"-just to be ornery (-no, just because I thought it worked better.
"You flow to me, now and again through the rivers in my mind... coursing rapids ceaseless search for the love they'll never find."
At any rate, it is your poem and a good one at that. I hope you don't mind my suggestions, -I only do that when to poems i really like and want to see shine even more. Silver
Well, I see Lady Phantom has gotten here first so I have little to add to her technical notes. I liked this very much because of the water/emotion theme which always strikes a chord with me and you emploied it deftly here.
The flow is very nice for the most part (a requisit for shuch imagry) though the tense change at the end jostled my brain a bit.
well...I think that Jimmy Should get the slap for not putting warning lables about the addictiveness of this site on the front page. Our dar Phantom has given you a wonderful critique and suggestions. I enjoy the smoothe delivery and flow of your writing and think your poetry will be a great addition to the site. jan
that's beautiful, i love the words and the way you wrote it! it's written really well becasue all the stanzas are beautiful not just one better then the others which I find quite often. it's also pretty neat how it can relate to different people in different ways. It's a kind of poem theat makes someone remember something or refelct on past times they felt like this. thankyou, char
I think you need a pat on the back, rather than a slap. This is really nice. It's short, but I think it works really well that way, because it leaves room for the reader to fill in teir own pieces. You've given them the ground work and now they just have to use their imaginations. Good work.