Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: always there but never here...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: on1eday.co.uk
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 887/402/54
    Words: 193
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1790
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1220



    Description:
       she is an [my] ongoing story.

    i dont believe that unfleeting is a word, but i can see that it suits her.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsalways there but never here...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    always there but never here yet.





    she is waiting for me,
    i know,
    by the tree at the bottom of our secret garden
    pulling up one sock
    and picking the dirt from her knees

    she is still there,
    clear like my memories of our future
    reading ‘dealing with dragons’
    in the corner of the classroom
    her eyes always spoke so much louder than her
    she was tired of being the princess

    unfleeting she is holding my hand,
    two small hands she would never let go
    my unassuming and devoted girl
    hidden by heavy boots and ripped tights
    and dyed black hair she wont brush

    she is my unwritten story,
    so grown up and successful
    in her high heels
    stockings that only i know she is wearing
    and a skirt cut just above the knee

    she is every written word,
    i can trace the curves in her consonants
    and see through her smile for everyone
    into her eyes where she holds
    the one that belongs to me


    she is still waiting










    Submitted on 2006-01-23 14:48:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      finding this piece is like finding Cindy, my high school girlfriend and first love...

    every love since hasn't known me like she did...even though we were young and innocent;
    in some ways we were more intimate than any couple could be...and she still holds my heart...

    and i picture us both ruffled from a scuffle of adolescent passion...

    i like your use of the "socks" and "dirt on the knees" transcending into the "stockings" but where you still see the dirt on the knee...

    and sooner or later she will come to you again...or you will find each other again...and take up where you left off in your youth...

    i still write poems about Cindy...she is still my muse....though she is no longer in my life except for a glimpse here and there...but those glimpses tell us...something is still there.


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-04-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish I could write about love in such simple terms...

    Somehow this girl exceeds the idea of being the childhood love who grew up with u, by ur side. In my mind it turns to a muse, to a fantasy that changes with the fact that you are growing up.

    A muse who grows up with you, who takes the image of an ideal woman, with all her imperfections that make her perfect.

    I think this poem is going to my favorites...
    I just love the feeling it gives me, it holds so much innocence, sensuality and a certain "je ne sais quoi".

    I just keep wanting to read it more, and thank you for that: it has been a while since I read something that gave me that feeling...

    Somehow it is like you are seeing urself growing up through her, through her eyes.
    It is somehow as if she lives in your mind yet she is waiting for you somewhere to find her...

    A fleeting dream, a constant presence and somehow a thought.

    Now I think I started with the nonsense...

    But somehow it is like u r talking about every woman's dream: being the inspiration to a man she loves.

    Now I will stop for real, before I start blaberring about stuff that have nothing to do with the poem itself.

    Great write but I don't think u need me to tell u that... You already heard it in all the previous comments.

    Peace
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2006-03-19 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the simplicity and vividness of this poem. My favourite verse has to be the second one:

    she is still there,
    clear like my memories of our future
    reading ‘dealing with dragons’
    in the corner of the classroom
    her eyes always spoke so much louder than her
    she was tired of being the princess


    As with all your work, it is succinct, direct and poignant. The way you use the title of the book ‘dealing with dragons’ seems particularly effective in conjuring up that childhood world. And the idea that the eyes communicate their own feelings, have their own sort of speech, is not only classical and beautiful but stunningly original in the way that it leads into the idea of her being tired of playing the Princess. This is so authentic of that childhood world and so vivid but yet any reader would be able to appropriate it in line with their own experience. I don’t think I could throw enough superlatives at that.
    You describe her clearly from the outset:

    pulling up one sock
    and picking the dirt from her knees

    I love the use of the word ‘pick’ her because it seems so unique. Then the lines:

    two small hands she would never let go
    my unassuming and devoted girl
    hidden by heavy boots and ripped tights
    and dyed black hair she wont brush

    The lyrical intensity here is simply awe-inspiring, it so evocative. You imagine how someone you were once emotionally attached to as the 'holding hands' suggests, transform, metaphorise like a catapillar into a butterfly, into the woman she is now.

    so grown up and successful
    in her high heels
    stockings that only i know she is wearing
    and a skirt cut just above the knee

    Then you can write out what she means to you and the tone seems almost eulogic in its reminiscence, it is so moving, you can really feel the pain you feel in the tone of the poem.

    she is every written word,
    i can trace the curves in her consonants
    and see through her smile for everyone
    into her eyes where she holds
    the one that belongs to me

    It really does read as music to the ears. I have nothing to add to this piece, it was one perfect write, I've come to expect no less from you. You really are a writing marvel,

    peace, love and empathy,
    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      ...well as with all of what you have written to date, i find that i must pick the appropriate time to say anything. invariably it is long after others have dissected and appraised and there is that consequential concern that what i tell you might be trite, or old news, or both...
    but still there remains the need to approach this slowly, like you might a procedure to remove a thorn from a cougar's paw, whilst it is still awake and pi55ed off.
    rare that you tell us anything up front and the inclusion of a description is something of a departure - not an unwelcome one but worthy of note nonetheless, you old softy.
    your title is a conundrum isn't it? immediately confusing then understood in its own right - it is a song title too. but maybe not yet.
    have you tried a full stop after here? you'll understand why i suggest it.
    i like the sepia colour of this despite it being clear and present. the nostalgic view through your action man binos is naive and childlike and this too is refreshing. when you produce an anthology, this will sit well between some of your darker, more austere work.
    this doesn't lack anything because the subject matter is pink and fluffy. you include enough difficulties, inuendo and carefully chosen words to make it an adult, grownup read.
    there is a poignancy to this that reminds me of the smell of apples on the tree and chanel no. 19 on the back of a knee...
    always a pleasure...
    take it easy mate.
    hasta,
    k
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      you know sometimes here you can come across a poem that actually says something to you personally...(i said sometimes :P) . you can take most for what they are worth, but after i read this one, the thought that came to me was:

    "this...is...poetry"

    wow, well done.

    -Nikki
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this is lovely. The persona playing Dickon to their Mary Lennox in an enchanted garden where time seems to have hold still. And of course the thing about Secret Gardens is that no adults are allowed to spoil the fun. I know that the gardener pops over the garden wall but essentially this is a place for children.
    And you seem to have caught such a typical vision of childhood

    pulling up one sock
    and picking the dirt from her knees

    and of course this works wonderfully as an extended metaphor in conjunction with the two small hands symbolic for emotional attachment. The persona is unable to let go of the vision he has of this friend of his youth

    His 'unassuming and devoted girl hidden by heavy boots and ripped tights'

    and yet he is aware that she has become a woman.

    so grown up and successful
    in her high heels
    stockings that only i know she is wearing
    and a skirt cut just above the knee

    I do wonder if you need the 'than her' as this is implicit in 'her eyes always spoke so much louder' Is the lack of an apostrophe in won't deliberate?

    Still these are minor points and the poem is very lovely especially that ending

    she is every written word,
    i can trace the curves in her consonants

    Beautiful!

    love and peace
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely written my friend. I was heartily delighted by the imagery that was provided. The last two stanzas were the best ones. They definitely took my fancy.

    As for critiques I'd say that you work further on punctuation unless it was deliberate to leave that way. And as much as relished the last two stanzas I must point out that I didn't dig the ending. I mean I didn't get a sense of completion there.

    Great write though.

    Kind regards

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, "unfleeting" is not a word, but neither is "ununique" which I wrote in one of my own poems. Out of eight people only one noticed and the meaning was obvious so I doubt they cared. This seems to be a metaphor, could be of anything really. I like how vague you've been, this piece could mean an individual thing to each reader.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think that the 'and' in 'and see through her smile for everyone' and 'and into her eyes where she holds' is necessary. They would sound better, in my opinion, without it.

    'i' I belive should be capitalised (I).

    Nice poem.

    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    88578

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry