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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Soon.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Restless_Heart
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 44/35/16
    Words: 259
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 853
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1341



    Description:
       I don't know really, it was just something I wrote.Don't really remember why.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSoon.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    A beloved, turned traitor.
    She once spoke to him as a friend.
    Now her speech has come to an end.
    She is quite beautiful,
    Yet she doesn't know the meaning of me.
    she thinks she knows the world so well,
    She thinks she can have it at the ring of a bell
    Little does she know that one day her world will
    go to hell,
    Shes not stupid but isn't a genious,
    She misses the important things,
    Because she portays herself as so shallow,
    Soon she'll know the hell of life,
    Soon she'll know a simple fellow,
    Who will make her his wife,
    Then as fast as the wall was built,
    She'll realize her life was just a drip,
    In the bottomless ocean of life,
    Filled with sadness and misery,
    Everlasting and never ending,
    Maybe someday I'll be the one,
    Who writes of this person in a different web,
    Still to be spun,
    Like the life of the sun still to be run.
    Life has a way of biting us in the bum,
    So now , today, becareful what you say,
    Else you may be the one,
    Drowning in blood,
    From your own gun,
    Tired of living in this place.

    -Morbid Rose (another of my pen names)




    Submitted on 2006-01-23 17:17:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Apart form some typos; you also have a problem with the structure of some of the lines. I feel the line “Because portays herself as so shallow” (should be portrays) is very disruptive, as it is clearly worded wrong. In other words read it out aloud before posting, that would get rid of most of the errors.
    As to the content, you need to rid it of all the rather lame clichés, such as a “drop in the ocean”, “Everlasting and never ending” (the latter one is just a waste of words), “biting us in the bum” etc.
    These clichés make the poem sound shallow and very unoriginal.
    If you insist on the theme, try to focus on something in it and elaborate on that, bringing something new to peoples attention, instead of repeating what can be read in a fortune cookie.

    -tZar
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, i really liked this. it shows a great portrayal of everday life. the shallow girl who grows up to be the shallow lonely woman. the commitment of suicide because the misery of life is too much to take. how our bad deeds come back to bite us even worse. how the shallow will come to hate and regret life for how they've turned out. its all just great! its good to see how something so big can be portrayed in something so small. i must say, wow.

    this really makes me think of how life works in its many ways and how people turn out to be. my favorite part by far was the first line:

    A beloved, turned traitor.

    it just really relates to me and my ex. its great and im happy i read this. now, seeing as how its just something you wrote for no reason, i cant think of any criticism. so good job and take care.


    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm. 'This' and 'different' were misspelled.
    I'm not sure how I feel about this. I like what it's saying, but the way it's written doesn't feel poetic. No, it feels poetic at first. Then a long line comes along, the flow is broken, and the poetry is lost.
    -HaldirLives
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]


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