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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dark Designdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: KimmyMim
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 223/303/117
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Mirror or Mask
    Total Views: 758
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 873



    Description:
       The unknown is what we fear.
    Know what is hidden,
    and you can be empowered
    with knowledge which
    will safeguard your
    heart an mind...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDark Designdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beyond the dark a Shadow waits
    supressing truths and masking lies,
    He knows your plans...anticipates,
    no doubt, to him, you're no surprise.

    Torment and pain are his forte,
    he knows concealment will mislead.
    He watches you, with bliss he'll play,
    His chasm permeates with greed.

    On dismal horse he wars and fights,
    quenching thirsts where shadows dwell,
    and should your lantern spark a light,
    your noble efforts sure to quell.

    Fear not the scheming Darkened One,
    infinite void rests on his plate.
    His life of doom almost begun,
    Abyssed in exile is his fate.

    So cast a fire of zealous brood,
    and burn that darkness 'till it weeps.
    Awaken Spirit of your mood
    Do not delay or slumber keep!




    Submitted on 2006-01-23 17:55:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You're stanzas still need a little work here Kim. They're very close to being perfect. There are just a few that need extra syllables to make the meter spot on. Go thorugh and count syllables. You're writing in iambic tetrameter so go with that. 8 syllables per line. It'll give that poem the finished look it needs.
    Other than that it's quite nice, it willl flow better after a bit of tweaking.
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      I LOVE the fresh air of this poem (I'm talking about its structure, of course)! And I love the subject! The rythm is still a bit unperfect, and so is the rhyming, but the verses are very appealing! You should write more poems in this way!
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Kalyiel | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,
    The adjustments to the poem has really helped. I do like it a lot better now, and as you see, the dynamic ending to the poem is powerfull and emphasizing to the hole poem. Also the slight alterrations to the words works very good.
    Also I am glad you did not just post "my" version, but kept true to your own style - as this keeps the intregrety of the poem, and keeps it yours.
    Well done!
    -tZar
    | Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      The first two stanzas are really good, but then the flow is messed up in the third one. I believe that the darkness represents ignorance, and you're telling people to get off their butts and think for themselves. I could be wrong. Just try to rework the third stanza, and you'd have a good write here.
    -HaldirLives
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this, not sure why, it just spoke to me. i like how its portrayed like a passage from a book. its great. but i would insist that you change the last line to;

    Seek out the light; your not blind


    well, i hope that works, later

    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, this one I do like to some degree, but as we obviously are of different opinions as to a poetic, I will try to give this critique on you terms.
    Firstly; the concept of the poem is very clear, which is a compliment. Then on the other hand, with a message this clear, it fast becomes tidies to read on. I mean that when you come to the two last stanzas, we know that we have to look at a different force to live joys lives. Therefore you might consider shaving those off. The negation of darkness is clear by the description of darkness, or you could take out the fourth stanza, and leave the fifth if you must have the light in there, which would then create coherence between the contrast of the second and fifth stanza. Also reaarnging the lines in the fifth stanza bringing the third and fourth line to the beginning, which would then place the fire at the beginning of the stanza, and thereby creating a mix of light and darkness in every second stanza. The poem could look something like this:
    Beyond the dark a shadow waits
    disguising truths and masking lies,
    He knows your mind...anticipates,
    perceives your moves, you're no surprise.

    Should your lantern spark a light
    to see the secrets masked so well,
    With dismal horse he wars and fights,
    to quench your thirst where shadows dwell.

    Do not fear the Darkened One,
    infinite void rests on his plate.
    His life of doom almost begun,
    Boundless darkness is his fate.

    Cast a fire of zealous brood,
    Burn that darkness 'till it weeps.
    Awaken Spirit of your mood
    Do not delay or sleep!

    Hereby ending the poem in a dynamic way, with a shout for action.

    Well in any case the poem is well written and a joy to read.
    Best tZar.
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm. Well, if you changed that last line to your not blind, it would be a typo, so don't do that. If you were going to take soul's suggestion change it to you're*. Hah. OK. Well, now onto my critique.


    There's a local band here, called 21 Flights, and though you use more complex ideas, your poem reminds me of something they would sing. I don't know why, it just does. But all in all, I like it a lot. The words were very well chosen, the last line doesn't really need to be changed, it works just as well the way it is now. I don't know what else to say, I feel weird commenting when I'm only 16. You've obviously had more time with this than I have, hah.
    | Posted on 2006-01-23 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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