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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Lost Patroldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 618
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 471



    Description:
       None. The title is old, the poem new.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Lost Patroldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Excuse me
    if I've become
    your sin,
    I didn't ask
    for this;
    I must embrace
    my beloved.

    It is my magic
    to lay aside
    forgiveness,
    expect nothing
    but wistful
    darkness;
    let us rest.

    Sing again, rise
    your shadow
    will
    endure,
    embracing
    my shadow;
    when it's time
    for pleasantry
    you'll know.




    Submitted on 2006-01-24 00:38:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a great poem, I love the subtle tonal changes and the quick sharp lines distilling this idea of enduring love even when people are faced with unpleasantness. It's simple, direct and heart-rendering. An excellent write, thanks for sharing.

    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      This seems like some deep, dark message of love in which one loses oneself. I guess that this is what is connoted in the title that denotes Flight 19 "The Lost Patrol" and legends of the "Bermuda Triangle."
    lol
    nessie
    | Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      such simple truth's that resonate from one who seems to know his emotions well... and how to describe them with brevity and eloquent directness, i feel.

    there's dark connotations in this... you speak of a kind of love that is morbid, mixed with shadows, in a way. i don't know how to best describe this... you'll lay aside forgiveness and pleasantries until the time to come? that's what i get from it... maybe i'm off by a million miles, but... are you're desirous to ignore this person? for a sin they think you have committed but haven't, in truth?

    i am far too literal at times, i know. i just want to pierce the shadows of understanding like you too.

    a mind-bending poem with open interpretations. i like that.

    ~patchouli

    p.s. yes, i'll admit i was spamming... but i was just introducing myself... saying hello, being friendly et cetera. what better way than to say hello to totally random people? anyway... :)
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by jetstream_candy | [ Reply to This ]
      Going on the theme of your short lineation, which seems to be a large part of this poem, the line
    "Sing again, rise"
    seems out of place only becuse of the internal stop the comma gives it that is lacking in every other line. Why doesn't 'rise' get its own line? It feels like it should... like you are breaking your own poems rules and I don't see a reason for the breaking with your form there. I could be wrong, though. I'd sort of like to see this poem center justified... I think it would look like an upside down candle or something and would heighten the sense of falling.
    Also, I'm lost to the title as a first impression on the piece. Of course, that's not your fault but mine. Every poet has an implied readership of those with experiences similar to thier own to understand their work.
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      First stanza: sin, this, beloved - nice examples of assonance and a slant rhyme (to a degree).

    Second stanza: forgiveness, darkness, rest - other fine examples of true rhyme and assonance.

    Third stanza: I cannot find these sonic tools you have used so effectively to carry your message in the other stanzas - do you see what I'm getting at? This part reads out slightly clunky and needs a bit of polishing, with attention paid to sonics (and message of course). This is just my opinion but I've read enough of your stuff to know something integral is missing.

    I just read KC's comment - this part in particular struck me: Short form is one of the unique facets of poetics... employed to the Nth... that is to say...poetry accomplishes a concise expression of thought in very few words. When reading your poems, i find myself paying attention to every single comma, every line break...and thinking to myself "yeah, i would have left that word hanging there by itself to, all alone on that line, just like that." - I agree with all of this - you must know by now that I am a stickler for pretty much everything that he brought up and I couldn't agree more fully with his sentiments. I think we're both similar when we write in the short form - every word does count, there's no room for wasted or misplaced words.

    And that is what I'm trying to say with that last stanza - rework it - I know it just needs something to give it that extra zing and the perfect sonic finish.

    To me, this speaks of hope against all odds in some way... I don't know why... perhaps it's this embrace and the song you want to sing...

    I know it's the height of arrogance to quote myself, but I think this little write of mine fits with this somehow (in my mind anyhow):

    'Short Sky Poem' 24/01/05

    finger the sky
    with eyes outstretched

    ~like wingtips~

    of papier-mache seagulls
    amidst clarion clouds

    ***


    To me, this speaks of songs of hope too.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I had trouble linking the title to the poem, so I googled up "The Lost Patrol" for some background epic. These are three of the inundation of entries I found...

    "but not for me
    this time to keep
    mmmm fading fast
    fading deep
    into the night
    you're in
    out
    and all around"

    - from "all around" by the group "The Lost Patrol"



    "Corporal Dempster indicated that there were three causes for the disaster: 1) the small quantity of provisions taken; 2) want of an efficient guide; and 3) delay in searching for the lost trail by his own patrol."
    - Summary of the failed rescue of a lost patrol led by RCMP Inspector Fitzgerald, after whom the ghost town Fort Fitzgerald is named.



    "All planes close up tight . . .we'll have to ditch unless landfall . . .when the first plane drops below 10 gallons, we all go down together."
    - Last garbled message from Flight 19, a patrol lost off the coast of Florida in heavy seas


    ... and now that I know what a Lost Patrol is, I think you've managed to do a quite excellent and seamless job of connecting the sense of doomed but staunch brotherhood to a (forbidden?) relationship on the rocks.

    But I'm assuming you took the title from another, older work that was lost in the google shuffle... If you have the time, could I trouble you for a link to it?

    The Plonk
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Th_Plonk | [ Reply to This ]
      inaugural stalk

    Just going to jump in with a quick comment.

    Our art has much in common...we are both admittedly more theme than 'thing'... a throwback to the olden days, yeah?

    More than that though, you are a practitioner of the short form. There isn't a lot of room to wiggle in these shorter efforts. I say that a lot, there doesn't seem to be any better way to put it.

    Short form is one of the unique facets of poetics... employed to the Nth... that is to say...poetry accomplishes a concise expression of thought in very few words. When reading your poems, i find myself paying attention to every single comma, every line break...and thinking to myself "yeah, i would have left that word hanging there by itself to, all alone on that line, just like that."

    Furthermore, your poetry is the kind of art that i can sink right into... and let it sink into me too. My description of this is going to fall short here, i just know it, but by way of explanation...even on the first read through of one of your poems i can tell how fast it should be read, i can feel the tone, the tempo, the rhythm of the thing...there is no mistaking it.

    Your poetry exhibits a tact and mastery that is in no way haphazard or amateurish. Your poems are the work of a man who is a long way towards mastering his craft...all it takes is a masterpiece...and there might be one in you. I think so anyway.

    I have watched from a distance, for a while now. I see that you are prolific, and that is why i have hesitated to stalk you, because i feel that obligates me to comment on them all...even if they don't need fixing, a stalker should jump in with their two cents.

    So i will now level the most substantial 'criticism' you will ever hear from me, and this isn't a criticism at all really. I think of some of your poems as 'abstract impressionism', which is a good thing, in my estimation.

    I remember when i was a sophomore or junior lit. student taking Lit. Criticism and the professor said "there is usually more than one possible meaning for many great poems...but only one that the author most intended, 'but you have to first say what it says' before you can say what it means'.

    I can't say what some of your poems mean...just don't get that far. This speaks to two things...that a brilliant intellect and wisdom informs your art... and that there are understandings built into your poems that you will forever keep to yourself.

    I respect and admire that, and suspect that you wouldn't have it any other way...me either. And believe me Bill...this comment has nothing to do with my not having any 'thing' to touch, taste, or see in them.

    ...there is plenty to feel and think.

    Okay, Jack's being a brat, laying down on my mouse and all that...so i'll quit for now.

    see you around 'stalkee',
    be well,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      The title may be old, but it got my brain working. I was expecting something like "The Charge Of The Light Brigade"! Before the page even loaded the title triggered some inspiration for a poem.

    As to the poem at hand, I was especially impressed by the rhythm of the last stanza. Even without the words, the stanza would flow downward, dragging our hearts along with it.

    -Frank
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]


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