Lullaby by HaldirLives

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Submission Name: Lullaby dots

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Author:	HaldirLives
Elite Ratio:	5.12 - 234/149/60
Words:	107

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	424
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	796

Description:
I've taken out the 'eggs' and 'cake' bit. Tell me how you like it now.

Lullaby

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Sleep, my sweet child,
'Til morning fogs rise.
No monsters await
'Neath dark, lidded eyes.

Sleep 'til the morn,
When all ghosts will flee.
Sleep through the night,
And I'll stay with thee.

Sleep past the moon,
With her darkened rays,
Let your dreams take you
Aloft with the fays.

Sleep past the stars,
Though they shine bright,
And I'll stay with you
All through the night.

Not a muscle I'll move,
If you do not wake.
Just lie there still
On your placid lake.

Sleep, my sweet child,
The twilight has passed.
Sleep, my sweet child,
'Til it's matin at last.

Submitted on 2006-01-24 11:27:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  cake> eggs? i think i missed something!! but this is cute, and I think something anyone trying to put a fussy child to bed could relate to and sing till the baby sleeps!! im not sure if I like placcid, hmm i will think of another word for calm and get back to you!!
| Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a beautiful poem, and well written, but I'm not quite sure what some of the phrases meant. Like "your placid lake", or "maitn". Besides this, great write, more please.
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautiful. I thought I'd see what you revised and while I'm sitting here trying to put thoughts into comments, I am indeed off to bed. wonderful. Good night.

~Dalelord
| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Dalelord | [ Reply to This ]
  I did not see the cake and eggs bit, but I think with a poem with this delicacy is good without a reference to food. This is beautiful! It reminds me of my daughter and how she is afraid of the dark right now. She is five and I always try to let her know that I am right here, which I am. Lovely!

IK
| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
  i think your revision is a LOT better...i know that the eggs and cake is what held the bribery together, but this just sound so much better with the rest of the poem...nicely done
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]
  Unlike the other posts, I found the 'cake and eggs' bribe to be a fascinating reflection on the supposed comforter (who has no intention of remaining with drowsing child after it drifts off to sleep), not on the sleepless child. What appears to be happening is an illustration of the false promises made to restless children by disinterested protectors (possibly motivated by a dislike of ceaseless whining and fearfulness). This is a very tongue in cheek write laced with deeper motivations than most would imagine. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  You have a very nice lullibye here.

S2L2, I wonder if "will" would sound better than "do". Not that "do" doesn't work - it does. But "will" would bounce along with "When".

IMHO, the repetition of "sleep" provided a bit of a hypnotic quality that fits well with the subject.

-Frank
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by FrankBlissett | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, I think the eggs and cake thing has been covered, but I really enjoyed reading this, very nice indeed sort of brothers grimmy feel to it, I am tempted to write down certain parts how I would have but I will hold myself back as it stands quite strongly as it is, if you do decide to change those parts I'd like to take another read of it. Cheers

TTFN
V
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  It's a fine poem. Great idea, and for the most part the language was very fitting... but I have to agree with the other commenters who say that the bribery just doesn't fly. It's dark and mysterious. Anything so trivial as eggs and cake does nothing but detract from the dramatic tone. Take it out.

Also, I thought the meter sort of hampered the flo in a few spots, namely in stanzas four through six. It was a little choppy and stinting to read.

Anyway, It was pretty good work. Just fix those few little blips and I think you'll have yourself one badass poem.

-Lance
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by giventofly | [ Reply to This ]
  Quite cute indeed. A very caring, nurturing, and protecting lullaby as it is. Underlying, can't find it, perhaps simply that of care and well being. To solve the problem, I think the making of cake and eggs simply sets an allusion to creation and birth as a caregiver would cherish for its little one. "nice" piece (a good thing).

~Dalelord
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Dalelord | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought this was pretty cute. for some reason though there's two parts that to me, doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem

making eggs and cake...i dunno...i mean, if the whole poem was like that it would fit great, but the poem has this kinda mystical persona about it, and eggs and cake just dont match.
even still i think this is a good poem...nice job
| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by MmR | [ Reply to This ]

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