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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: She Wants Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raivn
    ASL Info:    33/f/al
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 1222/916/231
    Words: 208
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 624
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1326



    Description:
       I just like the concept. I guess I'll go ahead and say it's just autobiographical of the situation that I'm in. I made a change. I guess it reads like lyrics, cause it sorta felt like lyrics. I had a tune stuck in my head and this was what came out...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe Wants Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Her eyes follow you across the room,
    Her heart races as you draw near.
    She blushes so very prettily if you catch her looking,
    And then she tends to disappear.
    She twirls her hair around her finger,
    Waiting, hoping you'll meet her eyes.
    She wishes she could catch your attention.
    Unfortunately, she's too damn shy.

    She wants you
    And you know it, too.
    Yes, she wants you,
    But what on earth can she do?
    She wants you
    She wants all the things she's lost.
    She wants you,
    And she'll have you, no matter what it costs.

    She can remember a time when you wanted her, too
    A time when she felt that living was worthwhile.
    She could never be angry when she was with you
    You tried so hard to make her smile.
    She longs for the times your scent was more than just a memory,
    Those days she could feel you inside her skin.
    She'll do anything she has to do
    To live in those moments once again.

    She wants you
    Her eyes will tell you so.
    Yes, she wants you
    And you'll never let her go.
    She wants you,
    A fact she sometimes regrets.
    She wants you,
    And what she wants, she gets...




    Submitted on 2006-01-24 11:37:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree that it reads like lyrics and, it follows what i'm going throuth too. but thats not a good critique now is it? hmmmm... you might want to try taking out some un-needed articles like 'her' in the second line and 'she' and 'and' in the third and fourth. this might cut down on the lyrics feel if thats not what your going for. other than that- i know what you mean exactly cept i wonder if i'll actucally get what i want.
    SASHA LYNN
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Sasha Lynn | [ Reply to This ]
      This reads like lyrics. You have a short flow problem in the last line of the first stanza... there are too many syllables. Try dropping the 'just" from the line and see if it doesn't move more smoothely. Sometimes multisyllabic words create road bumps because of the way they are stressed.

    Overall a very nicely written piece.
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Well you silly thing...you can't have him and you really don't want him or need him...I think you should date a black guy...they have large testes. Oh and I think that you should call me...and I think that you and Jesse should buy me paint. Maybe not.



    MC CHICKEN BIZZNATCH

    Luv
    Jaz
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]


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