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    dots Submission Name: Sindots

    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 938
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 926

       I just finished revising this with punctuation and line breaks... but I'm still not sure what to think. I'm really the worst judge of my own work because I'm so untrustworthy. But I trust you, so please, shoot it to pieces is need be.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    She’s etched in human rust
    As the bitter taste pours down
    Her throat.
    The fate of the oxidation is sealed
    To burn with those of lesser kind
    Who are used for “greater” cause.

    The speck of time she touched it,
    It gave to her
    This insatiable glitch, this ravenous lust,
    For Golgotha.

    Only strife to come for the children
    Born to her.
    This is her gift, this is her dying wish:
    Frightening darkness
    For all the vermin nature suffers
    To crawl on this earth.

    The wish for waters
    To swallow up their perfect forms,
    She eats.
    The wish for the soil
    To ingest into the depths its brethren,
    She swallows.

    She is…
    Opiate to the nations.
    She disquiets
    The accord,
    So delicately achieved,
    With one bite of sin.

    Submitted on 2006-01-24 16:06:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It would be nice to have a little more character background given within the poem. I don't quite get the first line or understand for sure just what it was she "touched" unless it was the original forbidden fruit. (I guess a lot.)

    I do take that "She" is the personification of "Sin" which began with that particular action, the "one bite of sin". After that, as they say, all Hell breaks loose,
    "The fate of the oxidation is sealed
    To burn with those of lesser kind".

    A very nice discription of such a personifcation, put in a cold feminine form, "So delicately achieved," as you say. What will the girls have to say about this one?

    A little more "feeding" is probably needed for the less imaginative in the group. I liked it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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