Description: I just finished revising this with punctuation and line breaks... but I'm still not sure what to think. I'm really the worst judge of my own work because I'm so untrustworthy. But I trust you, so please, shoot it to pieces is need be.
She’s etched in human rust
As the bitter taste pours down
The fate of the oxidation is sealed
To burn with those of lesser kind
Who are used for “greater” cause.
The speck of time she touched it,
It gave to her
This insatiable glitch, this ravenous lust,
Only strife to come for the children
Born to her.
This is her gift, this is her dying wish:
For all the vermin nature suffers
To crawl on this earth.
The wish for waters
To swallow up their perfect forms,
The wish for the soil
To ingest into the depths its brethren,
Opiate to the nations.
So delicately achieved,
With one bite of sin.
It would be nice to have a little more character background given within the poem. I don't quite get the first line or understand for sure just what it was she "touched" unless it was the original forbidden fruit. (I guess a lot.)
I do take that "She" is the personification of "Sin" which began with that particular action, the "one bite of sin". After that, as they say, all Hell breaks loose, "The fate of the oxidation is sealed To burn with those of lesser kind".
A very nice discription of such a personifcation, put in a cold feminine form, "So delicately achieved," as you say. What will the girls have to say about this one?
A little more "feeding" is probably needed for the less imaginative in the group. I liked it.