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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Daddy Pleasedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Atrip187
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Some Alley
    Elite Ratio:    4.53 - 81/76/21
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 162
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 599



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDaddy Pleasedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Daddy please play with me,
    Help me learn to climb a tree,
    Teach me what i should pretend to be,
    Daddy please play with me,
    The dealer taught me to count,
    The snatch man taugh me to pounce,
    and the dancers taught me to make my ass bounce,
    But whats that all about?
    Daddy will you talk to me?
    hold me on your knee,
    Teach me what to pretend to be,
    Johnny wants to play war,
    Jenny said "lets play hor"
    But I don't like them anymore,
    Daddy please play with me,
    show what I should be.




    Submitted on 2006-01-24 22:10:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    This is a very moving and very doleful piece. But at times I thought it was or sounded a bit rough. For instance line 7, aside for being slightly twisted seems to be a barrier which with the reader stumbles across. Maybe if you evened out that particular line (some other as well) and found a subtler way to convey that idea it could sound better in terms of the message that you are trying to get across and the flow itself.

    Additionally, this seems as if it had been written by a kid, which I surmise was exactly the idea taking into account words like "play" and a "count". Had that been different, meaning if you had written it from grow – up’s point of view, the message would’ve been more powerful or piercing. Just what I think. Probably another person can claim exactly the reverse. To me was like a little boy’s plead for attention all interspersed with abandonment.

    All I’ve said may sound as a contradiction … but then again that’s me ….

    Kind regards,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm surprised no one has commented on this write considering the timeliness of the material. You've glimpsed the obvious need of solid parenting and values to combat a predatory, amoral world. If we refuse to value the next generation ( listening and offering meaningful responses to their hopes and fears), then we have no one but ourselves to blame for the disaster that will engulf them. Thought provoking writing. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]



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