a feeling by jermwerm

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Submission Name: a feeling dots

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Author:	jermwerm
ASL Info:	26/m/FRESNO CA
Elite Ratio:	4.29 - 203/268/83
Words:	181

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Longing
Total Views:	1455
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	957

Description:

a feeling dots

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I have a feeling deep inside,
deep beond the soul.
Past my spirits glowing realm,
past the distant breaking point.

I have a vision in my dreams,
a taunting sureal memory.
A feeling thats abused by hope,
a wish that made me bleed.

This feeling is so pure and free,
I'm asure it is in need.
This feeling knows what flawns the pain,
the visions I will read.

I have a sense what draws so near,
a secret place where I may sleep.
Soon the sunshine will bring warmth,
soon my heart will leap.

Soon she'll be around my life,
to scare the rain away.
Her smile will elate the sunrise,
my sadness will decay.

I have a feeling deep inside,
that my love is comeing soon.
I miss her so and need her by,
free me from my tomb.

Submitted on 2006-01-25 05:21:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey Jeremy,

It's been a long time since i've ssen you around...I'm glad to see you posting again. Been wondering if you stop coming to ES.
Anyhow, i'm glad to see you posting....

To be honest, I really don't like the title. It does not say a lot to me and it does not capture the true intention of the piece...So definitively, find a new title.

The piece itself was nice... Your format was in balance and your thoughts were precise. There were a few problems there and there but that is not worth mentioning because overall, it spoke a sense of longing for something to come or something to happen...

I don't know, there were many feelings when i read this and it's hard to tell which one spoke harder. But still, i think this piece was worth the time.
Hope to see you soon...
Take care...

Irina
| Posted on 2006-07-04 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a wonderful expression of longing. It's nice to read such professions of love, it brings light to those that could use a bit of a window in thier dark corners. Aside from a bit of spelling curves, I really enjoyed this piece. I'll be sure to stop by and read a bit more from you now and again.

Sorrel
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
  Verse 2 'thats' should be 'that's'.

For some reason you start some lines with capital letters and other without. I think you should change that so that it looks neater.

'comeing' should be 'coming'.

Cool idea

| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

88795

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.