Description: this is about a crazy woman i guess. not much to say about this, i was hoping to capture the fear of losing control, but i dont think i did. as usual, all comments and criticism greatly appreciated. take care.
~Zach~
her secret -------------------------------------------
deep into her eyes,
i can see the pain
of the many years
of silent abuse
Fearful tears leak out
Sadly awaiting it.
Ceaseless cries pleading:
“Please don’t do it again.”
but the panic overtakes
losing her self now
grabing the knife
and slashes away
waking up the next day
confusion ensues
staring at her hands now
a terrified moan is heard
locked away in her own mind
she screams for release,
looking into the darkness
she relapses one more time
letting her control stray
she turns to the knife again
slashing at her wrist,
blood trickles down once more
hiding it all these years
she cant admit it to herself
the fear of what others would say
is overwhelming and fearful
I know what you're going through. I've been through it myself. I didn't know any other way. I've had it pretty rough and I know that cutting makes the pain go away, but for a limited time only. Sometimes I still do it. I have many scars on my arms from it, but there not just any scars, there stories, some are actually phrases, such as the words, AND I DIE. I'm an alcoholic, I've been one ever since I was sixteen. I am now twenty four. I hope you can quit cutting your self because all of the scars that you leave will be there to remind you of your past, just remember that somebody else is worse off than you are.
You may consider evening out stanza five. That's one thing.
I thought that, as others previously said, that were a ton of emotions here, but personally I believe it’d be more powerful and meaningful a message if you concealed some elements here and there.
Maybe you could try to let the reader discover for themselves what you are referring to instated of providing spoon- fed emotions. Just a suggestion, though it'd be interesting if you tried that.
The idea here is quite moving and all, though one can’t see anything beyond what on the surface, so to speak. I reckon it lacks depth.
yeah alo tof emotions but cit can be improved imean the words used here .. well.. jui think it may need osme metaphros .. or soemthing .. take care and keep writing! Victor!
Well first off, I cant relate to this poem what so ever. But I'm commenting on it... because for some reason, it just captured my attention. The title at first, then while reading it, it was pretty deep, maybe using some metaphors would add that little "something", that seems to be missing. Okay, and about cutting...I'm not trying to be rude at all, but like I don't really understand the whole concept, of cutting yourself, to take away pain?... But your still hurting yourself by cutting yourself? Thats why i wouldn't relate to it... because i don't understand it. I guess... some questions are best left, unanswered? Anyways, all in all, I liked this poem, it was very straight forward and simple.
Submission Name: her secret
