Description: So, aside from critiquing the piece itself, I'd like for you to tell me what you think this is about. I thought it was painfully obvious when I first wrote this, but apparently not... so help would be appreciated ... and really, sometimes, avocados are just avocados.
And, no, this is not a personal piece, at all. It's just a story, see.
This was a lovely piece. I gather that the girl here, where as she looked white, she was true to her hispanic heritage. Falls for this guy who loved here despit how white she loojed. After 3 years of knowing her as this pale girl who was the center of his dreams, he see upon meeting her again she aquried traits of a white person. I'm thinking this girl is biracial. that wouls expalin the paleness and also maybe her sundden change in behaviour. Yes, it does carry a sexual undertone, but I think there was more to this then just sex. Apearances seems to be the deal breaker here...I'm going it was a racial problem. You had a good use of imagery and you also keep my attention clear to the end. Very good work.
I shall confess to you right away that I've got a total and utter obsession for blondes with a pretty face and big fake tits. This however shouldn't interfer with my mental capabilities, or this comment.
What I gather from this is that two rather dull people, a vanilla girl, and a (?) boy obsessed with her avocados, sort of stick with eachother. Eventually however the boy gets bored with her, cause despite his sexual needs he wants more out of it.
How the girl exactly fits in this remains a bit unclear, which could be something for you to add to this, what does she want? Does she simply like pleasing the boy? And if you are the girl, are you still trying to figure out why he left you?
And by merely describing the boy by what he thinks of the girl, what does this say about the boy? Besides liking avocados of course.
Typo: across mountains and desert[s] ?
Anyways, this poem is quite nice, and while the avocado part is good it lacks a real punch line to slam down something memorable. Otherwise this poem will leave me behind like the boy, wondering what it was that was good about it.
The tastes here are rich and exotic, quite romantic, but romance is not love. Let's see if I can pull out some themes to match your images. First, vanilla -- it's smooth, sweet, strong, sometimes overpowering, and may even be considered mundane by some, since it's so common (it's actually my favourite flavour, but then I'm common too!). Along with that, it's almost always viewed as white.
"In her parents' garden they had met" -- is this the first meeting, or an organised rendezvous? If it's the first meeting (and I kind of like that notion, because it's spontaneous and passionate) then I get the image of him as a bit of a quasi-criminal (romance novel stuff) nomadic gypsy-like figure. Then you move on to "for three years it lasted..." -- not specifically a relationship, but rather the memory. DID she actually smell of oranges and nutmeg, or did he want her to? Those scents evidently got stronger in his memory over time, and all that she really was faded. He equates romance with sex, she is no more than a sweet-smelling object. The line "her mannerisms simply mimicked of vanilla" doesn't seem to work grammatically for me. Perhaps "her mannerisms simply mimicked vanilla", although that's not as smooth metrically. "her mannerisms simply mimicked that vanilla"? Ach, I don't know!
The final stanza is so clean and plainly stated that it offers an excellent contrast. You go from exotic scents and tastes to simple black and white. The veil is lifted, so to speak. Still, he got a couple of good years out of that fantasy!
Okay, i will take a shot at this. My first impression was a bit confused. I guess because i don't understand the relation to oranges and nutmeg.
I like the beginning, the vanilla metaphor, and how the scent is the fabric of her being. I also like the truth that after 3 years, the vanilla smell had been forgotten, and the avocados were the new relationship basis. It's cool that you cut him off and said, know the vanilla, or know me no-more. The wanting of something more substantial.
I guess this is more about the memory though isn't it. Just caught that part. After a few months together, she only mimicked the vanilla. People grow, and trying to recreate the past is hard. I think if you could somehow tie the 3rd and 4th stanzas together, and maybe (i delicately suggest) drop oranges and numeg line, you may be happier with the result.
I hope this helps in some way. I will read more of your "old" posts too. It may not be the best advice, but at least it will be some advice, huh?
I’m not entirely clear on the kind of voice you’re seeking to express. An idea to toss around: S1L1: “the beginning was good”. I like the alliterated V’s of L4. Why the reversal of S2L1? Why not, “They had met in her parents’ garden”? The same for S3L1. S4L4: “Of” should not follow mimicked. Also, perhaps “mimed” or “suggested” would work better. Try each, and decide how they sound to the ear. Now that the nits (and avocadoes) have been fully picked, I’d like to say I like the allusions you’ve created here. The voicing sounds natural, yet odd – a good combination. fred
So do you still like avocados or not? This one never really says- *wink* After all these years- maybe you have lost your taste for them- as well as vanilla- once you've tasted something- you cant hope its going to taste the same the next time- am I capturing your theme here? I liked this one- and can relate- Good Work- and Welcome -Bonnie
I like this alot. I think the first stanza is a little repetative with the word vanilla twice in the same place in both lines. I am not really sure how to go about fixing that, though.
Other than that, it is sweet and I think of a love story movie when I read it.
Nice work here. Like the way you use avocadoes to remind him of her. One minor thing, eliminate all the 'had's. Passive voice isn't usually a good way to write. Other than that, nice job here.
First of all Welcome to the site. Then I have to say that this reminded me of a book by Pam Munoz Ryan called Esperanza Rising. This was a really great example of modern poetry. The vanilla and alvacodo takes on an unstated importance in the imagery and hidden meaning, and become symbols for so much more. Fruit have long been associated with womens breasts and this fits here and pushes the reader to explore in that vein.
well done! I will be looking to read more of your work so will add this to my faves list. jan
My friend topher loves avocados. Heh, that's REALLY funny considering how pervy this poem is to me. Lovely though. All, midieval groping. Beautiful, really. Nice write. Peace. -rue
can i tell you how much i loved this poem. the use of tastes and textures here really make this poem so erotic and so lively.
isn't it typical for men to at first love the things that make a woman who she is, in this poem (s1L2-3: her voice and hands) then once we give them a taste of our "avacados" and then thats all that they think about... lol
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... and really, sometimes, avocados are just avocados.
