Description: I wrote this over a year ago, when I was in a really dark mood over my ex fiance'. I almost pulled it off too, but I got arested at the gas station.
My Butterfly -------------------------------------------
A beautiful little thing
with it's gossamar wings
Everyone likes its looks
but I fear what it brings
People look apon them with smiles
I look apon them with tears
They represent the dreams
that I held close for many years
With all my hopes I had so many plans
but I forgot a crucial part
I gave all that I am
but I held back my heart
I must say that's not all true
part of my heart she does hold
but what does it matter?
That thing is black, it's beyond cold
I look at this thing of beauty
the butterfly pinned to my dash
as I stand at the pump
my tank filling with gas
I fire up the monster
not paying for the gas
They may look for my car
but that will soon pass
This car has power
it can truelly roar
You feel the earth shake
as I put the petal to the floor
As the motor revs
I think of the past
I envision the woman I love
for she will be my last
I can be heard a mile away
Everyone comes out to see
This black storm that's coming
My lord, what could it be?
I pick up speed
not slowing for any turn
Like my existence I am a blurr
I move so fast the road begins to burn
A trail that burns behind me
ahead the stench of death
I pass 200 miles an hour
as I take my last breath
She's standing in her front yard
Everyone knows it is me
I miss her by inches
aiming for the tree
A note flies out my window
just a simple little scrap
As she picks it up
I enter my last nap
In my blaze of glory
all will remember my name
but for all the pain I felt inside
I alone took blame
A giant ball of flame
A mangled chunk of steel
My last thought
"Never again shall I feel"
The note she caught
was by far sardonistic
A reflection on my outcome
in light of being optimistic
"You killed me years ago
so I wanted you to see me die
I can't wait to see you in hell
my one, my only, My Butterfly
I remember reading this poem, when you were stayin with D... I hated her because of this poem... and I am Glad Fat is Back Babe... find a way to get me to hastings and We will hang out.. I guarentee it...lol
Hmm... I liked the concept a lot... i've often though of gaining retribution in this manner... Once I had this big elaborate plan to hang myself from this bridge by my ex's house so that she would know my pain... I decied against it obviously... But I digress...
I really did enjoy the concept of this piece, I just could've done without the rhyming... Whenever I read a rhyme scheme like this, it always gives that sing-songy effect that clashes with serious pieces. I personally save rhyming for light hearted pieces (There haven't been any in a few years though) or lyrical poetry...
Other than that though, it was superb. The imagery was great and though some of the vocabulary had to be cut back to allow for rhyming, you still showed word usage. Overall I liked it... Keep the poetry flowing.
wow, that's harsh... I'm glad the outcome isn't real though. That would completely suck. Anyway. This poem has great depth and feeling. Although it's very dark. It also has good rhyming and phrasing. I enjoyed it alot, hun. just be careful what you write. Some people are affected by other's more than most think.
This was so haunting. I don't know if you meant it to be or not, but when I read the last stanza, I felt my heart stop in my chest, and all I could think was "damn". This is so raw, so angry, so passionate. I can only say that I hope things get better for you, because I've read some of your other pieces and they're all so sad. I hope that you finally find some peace in your life, because just by reading your poetry, I sense that you are a good person who just wants to find the one thing that will keep him sane... Sorry, I didn't mean to analyze you. Anyway, you did a great job here. And even though I don't know you, I'm glad you're still here. ...bb...
The only thing on this I could find to nitpick was the missing apostrophy on the end of your final line. I definately like that rage filled note, and I am defiately glad you never made it to wherever she was. It's a good thing that the 5.0. was keeping an eye on you. Suicide is no way out of a problem or a pain. Look at it this way, if you don't fix them, not only do your loved ones have to deal with them, they also have to plan a funeral for you which is a big ass hassle. You should just turn around when you think of her, especially when she could have killed you. What does sardonistic mean btw?
I really enjoyed this a lot. I cannot add much to this comment though, those before me have said all it all.
I really love the rhyming, the emotions that run through it. Though it was a negitive emotion, you still did a great job of writting it out, you showed your hate well. The pain people can cause... The story is a sad one, though one that you have seemed to conquer. Lorna said it all. Everyone has been there, as far as love goes.
Great job here, take care & welcome to the site. ~jennifer
This was very good, although I agree with Imz that you should take the experience and learn from it and that it wasn't meant to be. There were a couple little spelling things I noticed. "Apon" should be "upon" and "truelly" should be "truly." Other than that, it was very good, especially the last stanza. Keep it up! :)
This is a most interesting little tale you have told here. First of all, you are 18? And a year ago you were 17? And engaged? Seems far too young to make such a long term decision. You have way too much life to live before you should want to be tied down to marriage. Secondly, no one is ever worth killing yourself for. If it didnt work out, then it wasnt meant to be, and you should just be grateful you didnt end up married to her. Be happy you got out without having to be divorced too! Finally, being in love with someone who hurts you is very hard to deal with, we have all been there. It just happens, it may happen again too, but you should really just learn from your mistakes and grow from the experience. Sorry to lecture you here but I am glad you got arrested at the gas station. You have your whole life to live and eventually you will meet the woman you are meant to be with. Then you will look back at this whole experience and just laugh at your foolishness. Ok...now I can tell you about the poem. I like it. It expresses your feelings very well, and I especially like the final stanza. Nice work here. Take care.
I must say I loved the last stanza too, its filled with such rage and passion, how could it be possible that such a beautiful creature could cause so much pain? i wouldnt change anything about your poem.
Well, I must say it's terribly interesting. I particularly like the last stanza. You convey such rage in this. I didn't expect it to be what it was. It's almost schizophrenic the way it goes from one thing to the next. Forgive the comparison, but it kind of reminds me of the song that Adam Sandler writes for his ex in The Wedding Singer. It's good, and it's very different...
Submission Name: My Butterfly
