Portrait of Friends by comradenessie

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Submission Name: Portrait of Friends dots

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Author:	comradenessie
Elite Ratio:	6.5 - 626/539/110
Words:	215

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	243
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1392

Description:
This poem is for my daughter Selina.

I would like to thank Christian, Mike and Jase who all helped out. Yes Jase, you do make a great trio!

Portrait of Friends dots

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Sketched in pencil,
four friends take form;
their stories told
across the canvas.

We work together;
like a fresco
a bond formed
from student days
is sealed in paint.

Her fingers
fondly merge
carmine and cream,
to colour the flesh
and redden lips.

Orange brings health
like sun warms flesh
on the football pitch,
where they'd play
on a fine afternoon.

The dusky eyebrows
of the writer-musician
shaped by his past
to a jagged edge
- a hardened fragility

The dreamer
of forgotten lands
- with those soulful elfin looks,
and long mane flowing.

The stylish joker
pulled from the pack
-ready to entertain,
determined to charm.

The quiet one
brown glance uncertain,
peering from beneath
hair flopped forward
in the flick of a brush.

Quiet, soulful, guarded, fun
- she tints the explosive mix
of titanium white with dark
and ultramarine eyes.

We work together
in bringing them alive
- shading their background
in layers of paint
smoothed to a surface

Submitted on 2006-01-26 13:43:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Thanks for this wonderful poem. I think you capture them brilliantly, and for some reason, the:

a fresco
a bond formed
from student days
is sealed in paint.

makes me think of their patriotic Irishness, since fresco, reminds me of the art of the high church.
I love the way you borrowed the phrase,
'- a hardened fragility', to sit with:

The dusky eyebrows
of the writer-musician
shaped by his past
to a jagged edge

That's Tomo exactly, he's been through such sh-it but he's so sensitive and artistic. An ideal close friend.
Why does Trevor get lumped in with my friends. Still, I love the:

The dreamer
of forgotten lands
- with those soulful elfin looks,
and long mane flowing.

I see Trevor as all that, a dreamer, sometimes a little unrealistically so, 'a fantaciser on forgotten landers,' might have worked better. Still, I see him as a stud and a stallion of a man, and it's good to know you recognise that in 'long mane flowing'.

All my love,
Sel.

| Posted on 2006-02-03 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  I must say this poem is a vast improvement of the last one. You managed to spread out the image to cover those confusing corners .. making the idea more complete. I really enjoyed your expansion of describing all four of the characters.. It really gives an idea of how much this panting with its two painters is stelling .. is saying. I think there are a couple of lines that could be tightened up in the start of the poem .. just to make it a little bit sharper .. like :

Sketched in pencil,
four friends take form;
their stories are told
across the canvas.

We work together,
as like a fresco
a bond formed
from student days
is sealed in paint.

as

Sketched in pencil,
four friends take form;
their stories told
across the canvas.

We work together,
like fresco
a bond formed
from student days
is sealed in paint.

..the are and as like seems kind of unecessary.

second and third stanza works much better now, I see the image of her painting, bringing life and character into the painting. particularly with the association of playing soccer in the sun in the fourth stanza ... nicely done there ..

Quiet, soulful, moody, fun
- she tints the explosive mix
of titanium white with dark
and ultramarine eyes.

i kind of stumbled a bit on moody there .. it seemed a bit like an out of place word. I see how it can be a melancholy sort of mood thing , which could be nice at times .. but generally it seemde out of place for some reason .. just a bit of a darker feeling to it. .. particularly when it sort of matched up to the joker .. if the list of words applied to the four people talked about before .. which they could .. alhough I was wondering something like 'teperamental ' would work better ... I dunno .. it might be nothing and maybe you should ignore my irk here .. but have a think about it at least ..

very vivid writing here nessie .. i loves it ..hope Selina likes it
| Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok Nessie, I'll go through this like you asked...

First stanza:
'Sketched in pencil,
four friends take form(;)
their stories are told
across the canvas.'
- I feel it needs a semi-colon to link this part together. It's a nice setting intro you've established here.

Second stanza:
'We work together
() like a fresco(;)
a bond formed
(from) () student days
() sealed in paint.'
- I feel you didn't need 'as' in the second line nor 'is' in the fifth line - in fact, these disrupted the flow/syntax of this stanza to me considerably. I proposed chopping out 'the' and replacing it with 'from' in your fourth line. And again, another semi-colon to tie it together. A nice continuation from your first stanza.

Third stanza sounds sonically strong to me - I like the alliteration of 'carmine and cream' and it's also quite evocative.

Fouth stanza:
'Orange brings health
like sun warms flesh
on the football pitch(,)
where they'd play
on a fine afternoon.'
- just an added comma to deliver the right pause. This is a good image you have brought up - it'll probably bring up a lot of thoughts for Selina.

Fifth stanza:
'The dusky eyebrows
of the() writer(-)musician,
shaped by his past
to a jagged edge
so easily broken.'
- I don't see what the comma was doing after 'the' on your second line so I removed it. Do you mean a writer and a musician or one that is both? If both, like I thought, then hyphenating this seems the right thing to do.

Sixth stanza:
'The dreamer
of forgotten lands
(-)with those soulful elfin looks,
and long mane flowing.'
- a dash/hyphen to make the second and third lines connect better in my opinion. This is about Selina I take it? A dreamer with long hair and elfin looks huh? Sounds cute lol.

Seventh stanza:
'The stylish joker
pulled from the pack
(-)ready to entertain(,)
determined to charm.'
- another dash/hypehen and a comma to deliver the right pause. So Sel was/is a stylish joker? Interesting.

Eighth stanza:
'The quiet one,
brown glance() uncertain,
peering() from beneath
hair flopped forward
(from) the flick of a brush.'
- commas aren't needed after 'glance' and 'peering' in your second and third lines. 'From' seems to suit the fifth line more syntactically. So you've continued with the theme of describing her. I've gotten a well-rounded picture by now, which is good.

Ninth stanza:
'Quiet, soulful, moody, fun
(-)she tints the explosive mix
of titanium white, (with) dark
and ultramarine eyes.'
- a dash/hyphen in your second line seems to connect the rest of the lines better. I'm not sure about 'titanium white' and how that connects with 'dark ultramarine eyes' - are you trying to define a paradox here? I've proposed adding 'with' to connect this better, but I'm not exactly sure what you're going for here. The imagery is uncertain and the wording shows. However, it still works.

Tenth stanza:
'We work together
in bringing them alive
(-)shading their background()
(in)layers of paint
smoothed to a surface(.)'
- again, another hyphen to make the transition more effective. No comma necessary after 'background'. And I think adding 'in' before 'layers' sounds smoother. It's a nice outro and sums up this piece wonderfully... bringing your painting metaphor full circle.

Well, I helped with the punctuation like I usually do lol - I see Christian and Mike helped you out with everything else (I did read the earlier version) - don't we make a great trio? Hahahahah, you should start hiring us as part of your poetry SWAT squad or something.

Hope this helps Nessie.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought I commented on the first version, but now I'm glad I didn't. This is a much rounder, better version. I like how you've looked into each of the characters and made them complete. At the same time, you've kept the theme of colors and brishstrokes running through the whole piece.

Cool stuff!

Steve
| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  Wonderful how you've mixed the art of drawing, added some soul, and come up with the art of poetry.Stanza five, I say remove the first comma and add it to the end of line three in stanza seven. Apart from that I doubt there is anything that needs altering. You're daughter should be proud.

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like the way you used colors and the process of painting to describe each subject’s personality. It succinctly gives a picture of really close friends. You didn’t say much, but the characters seem well-developed. Good write.
-HaldirLives
| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
  hey comradnessie, this was amazing. i could totally understand that most of the stanza's described the personality of each of the friends. this was beautiful and very interesting. i can see that each of you share a strong bond, or atleast, your daughter and the others do, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered to take the time to do this. i think its great that you care about your daughter enough to write a poem that has so much meaning for a 'welcome back gift'. congrats man, this was amazing. good job and i hope your daughter likes it.

~Zach~
| Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]

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