Description: I seem to have taken to heart your comments on this piece for the most part, and this is what came out. I found them quite helpful and I think it's better now... but if you have anything else you would like to see altered, please let me know. I can't put my finger on it, but there still seems to be something missing.
Before I suggest anything, I think I should first understand the message. For me it is obscure, but then, I'm not always very perceptive. So help me out here. I interpret the stanzas this way: 1) Illusory emotions encourage the youths' spirits to early deaths; 2) Kindness tries to prevent conflict; 3) Truth is wrongly questioned, bringing darkness to any hope for improvement; 4) Inner darkness manifests externally; 5) Youths are isolated by their self-centeredness; 6) Hate renders their speech black. Have I understood the messages? If not, please elucidate, and then (and only then) I will feel at all qualified to comment. fred
I thought this was highly surreal and usual stuff. There were times I got lost on account the complexity of the message.
It looks as though you felt absolutely disgusted and puzzled as to your own generation and all the things that happen around.
I do consider you should spend more time working on line breaks since there several pauses that hinder understanding and the flow of this write. For instance this is one of the most noticeable examples:
"as the dying sun quenches"
and the same here:
"Reflections have their fill of themselves. The hate."
On a good note I have to say I was delighted by the wording choice which was, in my view, ambiguously effective ( I enjoyed it a lot). It gives depth to the write.
I had the same feeling about "super-unknown". Perhaps "ultra-unknown" would sound better.
Personally, I found the poem a bit tiring to get through as is. Maybe using two stanzas instead of one would allow the reader room to breath. Though I'm a bit punchy now for lack of supper, so take this on face value!
I doubt it was meant this way, but the words "white powder" tend to elict thoughts of cocaine or some such drug.
The language is high-brow, but perhaps a little pretentious. Which is fine if that is the intent (I can appreciate a well-written, pretentious poem).
The word "super-unknown" is just sort of odd. I think perhaps because the word super is so "silly-happy" and this poem isn't.
"and gathers to be sloughed off as the scummy dross of the bitterly fair stratus" I love this part. Although the line "bitterly fair stratus" is a bit obscure. "scummy dross" Just rocks. I wish I had thought to use that in a poem.
I love the idea of "Gruesome Youth". It elicts thoughts of jealousy, although seeing as you are 18 I guess it could be construed as masochistic, which could also be cool if it were clear. As a whole I think the whole piece is a little too obscure. Or perhaps I'm just obtuse. ;)
Th meaning here is deeper than what the words say, but I was very dispirited by this piece; it was so cynical. Then I saw you'd marked it "Serious" so I took another look and realise that your hatred for youth is just as bad as their hatred for the world. I do relate to what you are saying, but the style in which you've written it was just as pessimistic.