Description: uhm.. i think i posted this up before and then accidentally deleted it.. hmm.. dunno.. anywayz.. this was just the quickest ways to get my thoughts across..
tell me what u think or what i could do change to fix it
thanks
the glorious day -------------------------------------------
ostracized
by myself
inside myself
surrounded by friends
Pretty decent write, short and to the point. I tend to be really impressed with writes like these when the writer is able to prefectly say what they intend and be very poetic at the same time. You have essentially achieve that here but I would suggest you reverse this like Lost Sheep suggested.
But in the end the decision is really up to you. For it is your poem and thus your voice.
Wow... very short... thats kind of all i can say lol. But it's true! I think you could of added more but, hey, it's your baby. You do with it as you please. But yeah, lol nice short SHORT poem
This is an interesting concept you have here. The only thing I can really say about this is you need to elaborate on it. This idea could be developed into a very good poem, but right now as it stands it is simply a thought. Not much I can add to it because this it needs to come from within you. Maybe you could begin by describing the feeling that this gives you or why you feel the way you do. Either way, you need to add more to this. Once you do, I will come back and see what you've written. Take care.
Overall: good. Short. To the point. It expresses the message well.
My only suggestion would be you might want to make the last line "surrounded by friends"
in order to make it fit with the brevity of the rest of the piece, since I dont think "a group of" adds anything to the message. Also, the almost exessive economy of words might make the ending stronger. That is the only possible improvment I could think of.
Or leave it as is, it is your poem, not mine, and is quite good in its current form.
Submission Name: the glorious day
