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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fallendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ThisIsReal
    ASL Info:    25-M-/Found
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 182/194/89
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 861
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 656



    Description:
       This is revision #1 of a poem i wrote in Jr high. all comments and suggestions will be heeded.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFallendots
    -------------------------------------------


    I had my highs
    but then I'd fall
    harder than humpty dumpty
    up on his wall

    I've had my scares
    I've had my pains
    I've been plagued with losses
    and blessed with gains

    My life in past
    has been a mess
    but the one I'm living now
    is the best

    Everything is in order
    my woman and my ride
    After I had fallen
    I could swallow my pride
    and open up to the love
    that I had denied

    I was dyng
    but then I was saved
    I had fallen again
    then she showed me
    how to win




    Submitted on 2006-01-26 20:56:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This needs so much work I dont even know where to start. the reference to humpty dumpty is one of the dumbest things i have ever read in a poem. I'm glad this is a work in progress, or I'd discontinue reading your work.
    | Posted on 2006-02-06 00:00:00 | by Fat_Rob | [ Reply to This ]
      ahh, fallen...i have a poem with the same title, but i believe i posted mine before you did, copy cat...jk...but seriously, i have a poem called fallen...moving on.

    i agree with UnspokenDreamer, the humpty dumpty part really killed the poem for me and made me want to stop reading right there, scared me into thinking that it was gonna end up taking a five year olds perspective...gah..

    this poem lacks imagery...try to connect your feelings with everyday life, kind of like what i did.

    like emotions flowing through a straw

    see? something like that. It'd make your poem better and maybe you should change the title, its just not working that well with me...i dont want people getting confused...yeah


    ~Zach~
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you have a seed here, of a good poem, but that it needs pruning, nourishment and the warm light of a different perspective. You use the first person pronouns in 19 ways in 23 lines for instance-it's full of I. my, and I'm" Lose most of those and you will see how they tend to detract from the meatier more descriptive sections of your theme. Avoid the cliché [Humpty Dumpty. for instance], try to state your case without those crutches, and I think you will surprise yourself at the result when the superfluous "fat" is trimmed away.

    This is a joyful, thankful poem about the healing power of Love-, take that and run with it, -we don't matter about the rhyme here,-just say it with passion.
    Sally
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      This is the beginning of a good write that's striving to come out whole but seems cut in pieces by the need to rhyme (in certain places) and some trite metaphors (such as the good Mr. Dumpty). I'd suggest a revision to focus on more of the emotion that prompted you to write this love song (and posting more writes to explore the subject further). Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm... well the humpty dumpty part took away from the poem in my opinion. I think there are good thoguhts here, but there is no personality, it is so bland, it reminds me of cabbage soup, ever had it? Good start maybe... good luck.

    Tom
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      I have an easy question to ask you Rob. Is this one of your older poems about Danyelle? Or is it a newer one written for Tasha? I like how you wrote it, no matter who it was about, even though your closing stanza has no flow to it and you are a [censored]stick. I know I should not insut a writer personally in a comment, but thats what happens when one of his critics is his older brother. Little bro, you are a talented writer, and I plan on seeing all you have posted on here. I can't wait for you to come home bro, we miss you.
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by ThisIsMyLfe | [ Reply to This ]
      Seems sincere enough to me. Assuming that this is 'thoughts' about your life, I congratulate you for recognizing when you really needed help and taking it. It's good to have someone close doesn't it?

    Viva
    Suven.
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]


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