Description: this flower isnt more than a young girls virginity
thinking everything is alright...but once its gone you may regret it, you may not...
the swhite sheets are gods hands covering your choice to confess and make love, the center media is your heart......
Imagine it like this... -------------------------------------------
clean lush air
soft wisps of breeze
striving off
the swaying of
the white sheets
floating down
onto smooth flesh
five petals
a lean stem
center media
never touched
by the human hand
happy rays of sunshine
gaze upon oneself
however, once picked
its gone
forever rememberd
rarley forgot
cells almost touch
gently caressing
up against one another
each touch leaving
a stain to the petal
getting closer
leaning into one another
SNAP
wilting over
the pain
bleeding down
the bottom petals
as salty tears
release from the top
the center media
the heart
is tatterd
with something
something called
love
this flower once a beautiful young spirit..
now another virginless seed.
For some reason, this poem doesn't flow well. I think, honestly, that creating poetic effects, like having actual stanzas, or some words, that you consider important, alone like the word "SNAP". I also did not like the word SNAP. It just seems kind of cruel. Makes me think of bullied children. X_X;; Maybe a different word that would describe the same thing. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy on that one.
I rather enjoyed this part, actually: soft wisps of breeze striving off the swaying of the white sheets floating down onto smooth flesh
"White sheets" just makes it for me, I think
Also, you have grammar and spelling mistakes, but I believe that "mike" (xD) pointed them towards you in another comment.
line one you have “cold lush air” which its intended meaning might be rich and abundant or showing extravagance; yet the other term meaning alcoholic funny it is used here and does seem to open up doors. The scene is good with the state of the air and breeze. the swaying of white sheets along with your description I read and the first glance at the entire work it does give off that virginal aura. Floating down onto five petals wonder if “five” stands for something perhaps the five senses, it is interesting. now lean stem could be a flower and may be a physical body frame the center media, on media I think of news, TV and radio. I wonder if it is suppose to be media or median. I like the once picked its gone ending the state of what once was. forever remembered and rarely forgot is also very nice you need to change “rememberd” to “remembered” and also “rarley” to “rarely” the touch leaving a stain my gosh it just sounds so horrible. the snap followed by the description of the aftermath. I take it before was more of a buildup to the tragic event. ahead it feels like a depressing feeling with pain hinted with regret; the wilting, bleeding/pain, and tears. the heart being tattered. “tattered” as opposed to “tatterd” with something called love sounds to me sarcastic. the ending leaves it off regretful and sullen. I really struggled with “virginless” I looked for a half hour online to try to find that word or to see if it was a hyphenated word but I could not. It might be hyphenated or it might be two separate words I am not sure. aside from those technicalities this is a great write, very nice visually and metaphorically. It does invoke sympathy toward the one who loses “purity” it is sad to say it like that though but that is how it feels and that is one way virginity is defined. Well done, ~mike
Submission Name: Imagine it like this...
