Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Imagine it like this...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PiercedHeart
    ASL Info:    17/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    6.17 - 16/19/11
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 880
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 967



    Description:
       this flower isnt more than a young girls virginity
    thinking everything is alright...but once its gone you may regret it, you may not...
    the swhite sheets are gods hands covering your choice to confess and make love, the center media is your heart......


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsImagine it like this...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    clean lush air
    soft wisps of breeze
    striving off
    the swaying of
    the white sheets
    floating down
    onto smooth flesh
    five petals
    a lean stem
    center media
    never touched
    by the human hand
    happy rays of sunshine
    gaze upon oneself
    however, once picked
    its gone
    forever rememberd
    rarley forgot
    cells almost touch
    gently caressing
    up against one another
    each touch leaving
    a stain to the petal
    getting closer
    leaning into one another

    SNAP

    wilting over
    the pain
    bleeding down
    the bottom petals
    as salty tears
    release from the top
    the center media
    the heart
    is tatterd
    with something
    something called
    love
    this flower once a beautiful young spirit..
    now another virginless seed.




    Submitted on 2006-01-26 21:28:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      For some reason, this poem doesn't flow well. I think, honestly, that creating poetic effects, like having actual stanzas, or some words, that you consider important, alone like the word "SNAP". I also did not like the word SNAP. It just seems kind of cruel. Makes me think of bullied children. X_X;; Maybe a different word that would describe the same thing. I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy on that one.

    I rather enjoyed this part, actually:
    soft wisps of breeze
    striving off
    the swaying of
    the white sheets
    floating down
    onto smooth flesh

    "White sheets" just makes it for me, I think

    Also, you have grammar and spelling mistakes, but I believe that "mike" (xD) pointed them towards you in another comment.

    Good work.

    Vintage Emotion :heart:
    | Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by Vintage Emotion | [ Reply to This ]
      line one you have “cold lush air” which its intended meaning might be rich and abundant or showing extravagance; yet the other term meaning alcoholic funny it is used here and does seem to open up doors. The scene is good with the state of the air and breeze. the swaying of white sheets along with your description I read and the first glance at the entire work it does give off that virginal aura. Floating down onto five petals wonder if “five” stands for something perhaps the five senses, it is interesting. now lean stem could be a flower and may be a physical body frame the center media, on media I think of news, TV and radio. I wonder if it is suppose to be media or median. I like the once picked its gone ending the state of what once was. forever remembered and rarely forgot is also very nice you need to change “rememberd” to “remembered” and also “rarley” to “rarely” the touch leaving a stain my gosh it just sounds so horrible. the snap followed by the description of the aftermath. I take it before was more of a buildup to the tragic event. ahead it feels like a depressing feeling with pain hinted with regret; the wilting, bleeding/pain, and tears. the heart being tattered. “tattered” as opposed to “tatterd” with something called love sounds to me sarcastic. the ending leaves it off regretful and sullen. I really struggled with “virginless” I looked for a half hour online to try to find that word or to see if it was a hyphenated word but I could not. It might be hyphenated or it might be two separate words I am not sure. aside from those technicalities this is a great write, very nice visually and metaphorically. It does invoke sympathy toward the one who loses “purity” it is sad to say it like that though but that is how it feels and that is one way virginity is defined. Well done, ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    89030

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry